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Unread 03-29-2005, 11:00 AM   #1
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Bible Humor

So for a more lighthearted thread, what passages do you find funny or amusing in the Bible? I'll start it off with 2 King 2:23 & 24


NIV
23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. "Go on up, you baldhead!" they said. "Go on up, you baldhead!" 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD . Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.


Make fun of bald people, and God will smite you. With bears.

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Unread 03-29-2005, 12:38 PM   #2
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The prophets of baal being mocked:

1Ki 18:27 And at noon Elijah mocked them, saying, "Cry aloud, for he is a god. Either he is musing, or he is relieving himself, or he is on a journey, or perhaps he is asleep and must be awakened."

The Pharisees being mocked:

Mat 23:15 Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.
Mat 23:16 "Woe to you, blind guides, who say, 'If anyone swears by the temple, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.'
Mat 23:17 You blind fools! For which is greater, the gold or the temple that has made the gold sacred?
Mat 23:18 And you say, 'If anyone swears by the altar, it is nothing, but if anyone swears by the gift that is on the altar, he is bound by his oath.'
Mat 23:19 You blind men! For which is greater, the gift or the altar that makes the gift sacred?
Mat 23:20 So whoever swears by the altar swears by it and by everything on it.
Mat 23:21 And whoever swears by the temple swears by it and by him who dwells in it.
Mat 23:22 And whoever swears by heaven swears by the throne of God and by him who sits upon it.
Mat 23:23 "Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier matters of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness. These you ought to have done, without neglecting the others.
Mat 23:24 You blind guides, straining out a gnat and swallowing a camel!
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Unread 03-29-2005, 12:43 PM   #3
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Most of the ones I find funny are oddities / quirks in the wording used by certain translations.

Judges 11:3 (NKJV)
Then Jephthah fled from his brothers and dwelt in the land of Tob; and worthless men banded together with Jephthah and went out raiding with him.

Numbers 22:28-30 (KJV)
And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, "What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?" And Balaam said unto the ass, "Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee." And the ass said unto Balaam, "Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee?" and he said, "Nay."

1 Samuel 25:22 (KJV)
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.

Judges 3:15-25a (NLT)
But when Israel cried out to the Lord for help, the Lord raised up a man to rescue them. His name was Ehud son of Gera, of the tribe of Benjamin, who was left-handed. The Israelites sent Ehud to deliver their tax money to King Eglon of Moab. So Ehud made himself a double-edged dagger that was eighteen inches long, and he strapped it to his right thigh, keeping it hidden under his clothing. He brought the tax money to Eglon, who was very fat. After delivering the payment, Ehud sent home those who had carried the tax money. But when Ehud reached the stone carvings near Gilgal, he turned back. He came to Eglon and said, "I have a secret message for you." So the king commanded his servants to be silent and sent them all out of the room. Ehud walked over to Eglon as he was sitting alone in a cool upstairs room and said, "I have a message for you from God!" As King Eglon rose from his seat, Ehud reached with his left hand, pulled out the dagger strapped to his right thigh, and plunged it into the king's belly. The dagger went so deep that the handle disappeared beneath the king's fat. So Ehud left the dagger in, and the king's bowels emptied. Then Ehud closed and locked the doors and climbed down the latrine and escaped through the sewage access. After Ehud was gone, the king's servants returned and found the doors to the upstairs room locked. They thought he might be using the latrine, so they waited.

1 Kings 18:26-27 (NLT)
So they prepared one of the bulls and placed it on the altar. Then they called on the name of Baal all morning, shouting, "O Baal, answer us!" But there was no reply of any kind. Then they danced wildly around the altar they had made. About noontime Elijah began mocking them. "You'll have to shout louder," he scoffed, "for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or he is relieving himself. Or maybe he is away on a trip, or he is asleep and needs to be wakened!"
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Unread 03-29-2005, 03:16 PM   #4
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You stole mine, Nate, you creep.
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Unread 03-29-2005, 03:47 PM   #5
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Maybe Baal's relieving himself...classic...
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Unread 03-29-2005, 04:00 PM   #6
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2 Chronicles 14:14:
They plundered all these villages, since there was much booty there.
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Reckless and incompetent expounders of Holy Scripture bring untold trouble and sorrow on their wiser brethren when they are caught in one of their mischievous false opnions and are taken to task by those who are not bound by the authority of our sacred books. For then, to defend their utterly foolish and obviously untrue statements, they will try to call upon Holy Scripture for proof and even recite from memory many passages which they think support their position, although 'they understand neither what they say nor the things about which they make assertion
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Unread 03-29-2005, 06:03 PM   #7
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"When men fight with one another and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand. Your eye shall have no pity.
(Deu 25:11-12)
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Unread 03-29-2005, 06:06 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pennypacker11
2 Chronicles 14:14:
They plundered all these villages, since there was much booty there.
ha.....



And, Bryan, yours is just plain mean.
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Unread 03-29-2005, 07:16 PM   #9
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1Sa 25:22 So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that [pertain] to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall. 1Sa 25:23 And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,

Jdg 1:14 And it came to pass, when she came [to him], that she moved him to ask of her father a field: and she lighted from off [her] ass; and Caleb said unto her, What wilt thou?
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Unread 03-29-2005, 08:25 PM   #10
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Ha, I like how most people's involve the word "ass."
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Unread 03-29-2005, 08:39 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joshaber
Ha, I like how most people's involve the word "ass."
Then methinks I shall oblige...

Two of the most obvious verses against homosexuality...

Exd 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's.

Deu 5:21 Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any [thing] that [is] thy neighbour's.
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Unread 03-29-2005, 08:40 PM   #12
so much
 
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@ Ga^in.
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(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or
recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.
Texas Constitution, Article I, Section 32"
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Unread 03-29-2005, 08:44 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryan
"When men fight with one another and the wife of the one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of him who is beating him and puts out her hand and seizes him by the private parts, then you shall cut off her hand. Your eye shall have no pity.
(Deu 25:11-12)
LOL. This reminds me of a trip I took with a Campus Crusade group over Spring Break. We would pull up next to one of the other cars, and hold up a sign with Bible references written on it, and, being the good Campus Crusaders that they were they'd look it up, and this was one of them. I'm pretty sure it was more fun that it sounds right now. Anyway, "Show her no pity!" was a recurring theme that week.
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Unread 03-29-2005, 08:44 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightknight
Then methinks I shall oblige...

Two of the most obvious verses against homosexuality...

Exd 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's.

Deu 5:21 Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any [thing] that [is] thy neighbour's.




Bravo, Gavin.
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Unread 03-29-2005, 08:55 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lightknight
Then methinks I shall oblige...

Two of the most obvious verses against homosexuality...

Exd 20:17 Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's.

Deu 5:21 Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any [thing] that [is] thy neighbour's.
That is wrong in quite a few ways.
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