Question for married people

jbm222 · 03-01-2005, 10:56 PM

I was talking online to a friend of mine the other night, and somehow we got to talking about how I really regret no longer being a virgin. I know what I did was sinful, and I know God has forgiven me. But here's the thing. I sometimes worry that when I get married, I might start to compare my wife to the women I've had sex with in the past, which could cause problems in the marriage, especially if the woman I marry is a virgin and cannot relate.

My friend I was talking to said that if I'm worried I would compare my future wife to my past mistakes, then she's probably not right for me. He says that if you wait for the woman who completely blows away all the other people you've ever dated, it shouldn't be a problem. But I know he's having problems in his marriage right now because he dated the same girl for several years before he met his wife.

Really the same concept could apply to any aspect of a relationship.

But even if you don't ever compare your spouse to past partners, your spouse might not believe you, and become insecure. Which is potentially just as big of a problem.

So my question is for people who are married but dated and/or had sex with other people before they met their spouse. Has this ever been an issue in you marriage? How can you prevent it from happening (aside from being abstitent before mariage since its too late for me)? How do you deal with it if it does?

Nathanael · 03-01-2005, 11:01 PM

I'd like to know how you know you haven't sold yourself short and how to know when you've found the RIGHT person.

Didn't mean to jack the thread or anything, but its a similar question. I'll be watching.

racer122 · 03-02-2005, 07:47 AM

You're thinking too much.

I've been married twice (believe me, be ye not unequally yoked!)

Anyhow, as with anything including the S.I. Swimsuit edition in the checkout line in the grocery store, there will be things that you COULD compare your spouse against.

But your job in maintaining your own happiness and your fidelity to your spouse is to "make each thought captive." In other words, just DON'T GO THERE!!

I'm sorry that you made a mistake in your past. Don't compound them by letting them control you. Your body, heart and mind need to be dedicated to God first, then your spouse. Do it in that order and it will work itself out.

mlqurgw · 03-02-2005, 01:06 PM

There is a great deal of difference between sex and love. I know, I have tried both. Sex is for self graitfication, love is giving yourself to the one you love. It is the ultimate expression of of love. I can't explain it but know that intimacy between lovers is more than just a good feeling. there is nothing that can compare to it. Don't worry about comparing. If you express yourlove in more ways than just intercourse it will be apparent.

exo · 03-02-2005, 01:12 PM

I'm going to give a reality check for ya, because I've gone through this situation:

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbm222

I was talking online to a friend of mine the other night, and somehow we got to talking about how I really regret no longer being a virgin. I know what I did was sinful, and I know God has forgiven me. But here's the thing. I sometimes worry that when I get married, I might start to compare my wife to the women I've had sex with in the past, which could cause problems in the marriage, especially if the woman I marry is a virgin and cannot relate.

You will compare. There's no getting around it. However, you never, ever tell your wife about any of it. What I mean to say is do not, I repeat, do not tell her what you are comparing. You can say general things like, "I am struggling with the fact that I had sex before we got married." But specifics are too much. Comparing is your struggle, not hers. There's really nothing she can do to help you, because it is your own contentment that you are dealing with.

BTW, it doesn't really matter if your wife can relate or not. She will have to go through her own struggles in accepting that she is not the first for you.

Quote:

My friend I was talking to said that if I'm worried I would compare my future wife to my past mistakes, then she's probably not right for me.

That's a load of crap. You. will. compare. BTW, it is perfectly natrual to do so... it is what you do with it that determines your character, etc.

Quote:

He says that if you wait for the woman who completely blows away all the other people you've ever dated, it shouldn't be a problem.

He's wrong.

Quote:

But I know he's having problems in his marriage right now because he dated the same girl for several years before he met his wife.

I had that same problem, but have finally begun to move past it.

Quote:

Really the same concept could apply to any aspect of a relationship.

That's exactly right. We are natural comparators. You just can't let it make you say things like, "So and so was so much more X than you!" or place undue expectations on your wife.

Quote:

But even if you don't ever compare your spouse to past partners, your spouse might not believe you, and become insecure. Which is potentially just as big of a problem.

If your spouse is constantly harping on you about the possibility of comparing her with others, then this probably stems from the fact that you put way too many expectations on her on how she should be.

Quote:

So my question is for people who are married but dated and/or had sex with other people before they met their spouse. Has this ever been an issue in you marriage? How can you prevent it from happening (aside from being abstitent before mariage since its too late for me)? How do you deal with it if it does?

Yes, it was (and still is) an issue.

You can't prevent it from happening.

You deal with it through honesty, forgiveness, and love. Your wife has to forgive you of past wrongs (this does not mean forget!) and you have to forgive yourself. You both have to have the committment of love that you will work through your problems come hell or high water. And you have to be honest with one another (to a point) with some of the sexual troubles you might be having.

marvinranch · 03-02-2005, 08:46 PM

Quote:

There's no getting around it. However, you never, ever tell your wife about any of it. What I mean to say is do not, I repeat, do not tell her what you are comparing.

she can't feel bad about it (what if I'm not as good as....?) if you don't tell her about it.

**Role Modlin** · 03-02-2005, 08:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marvinranch

she can't feel bad about it (what if I'm not as good as....?) if you don't tell her about it.

Are you suggesting that you lie to your spouse about previous sexual experiences?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 03-03-2005, 08:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marvinranch

she can't feel bad about it (what if I'm not as good as....?) if you don't tell her about it.

It will affect your relationship. I have seen it do so with some friends of mine who were missionarry's, and i have seen how in my own life how less than honesty about sexual abuse even was very destructive to my relationship with my fiancee quite a while back.

Now if you mean do not get detailed... I could agree with that, if that is their desire. There is an element of not telling them everything they do not want to know, and an element of telling them what they need to.

**Role Modlin** · 03-03-2005, 08:58 AM

I didn't fess up to my wife until after we were married and it caused some bad problems. It was as if our entire relationship had been founded on a lie I tried ot maintain. It was tough getting the truth out, but in the end our relationship became much stronger once she was able to trust me again.

**Ted Logan** · 03-03-2005, 09:58 AM

As one who was not a virgin when he got married, I can tell you that, in my case, I had no desire to compare anything in terms of physical sexual pleasure because I had learned to despise my previous sexual experiences. Knowing that they were sinful, I understood that I ought to hate them, and amazingly enough, I did. The things I did as a high school and college student disgust me. I can't even imagine them in terms of pleasure, because they are so depraved and wicked.

That said, I do compare my present life to my past, like this: I can't believe that I could be so blessed to be with this amazing woman of God, after having defiled my body and having pursued wanton lust and covetous desire.

Does the specter of the past cast a shadow on the present? From time to time. But not because I'm comparing her to others; I'm just remembering the sinful things I've done and the way I've transgressed against the law and love of God. Maybe I'm different, and maybe I've just taken a different road. I'm not sure. But I don't believe everyone who has had sexual relationships in the past is doomed to compare them to their future spouse.

If you marry a virgin, and you're worried about her performance at the beginning of your marriage, then there's something horribly wrong with your picture of sexual companionship. Contrary to popular belief, the purpose of sexual union is not a mind-blowing orgasm! The purpose of sexual union is to be united in love to your spouse. Amazingly enough, people who have been married for many years will tell you that they aren't always looking for an orgasm when they have sex. Sometimes, the point is just to be together in the most physically intimate way they can, and they may or may not orgasm. Perhaps this will shock you, but that goes for guys as well as girls. Performance is not nearly as important as intimacy, and that means that two virgins can have a wonderful honeymoon, even though the sex will probably not be terribly impressive from a worldly viewpoint.

One last point: People often have the misconception that having had several partners makes a person an expert on sex. However, while a person who has had sex with multiple partners might have a general idea of how sex works, and may have become good at general "techniques" to accomplish a particular "goal," and may even have become somewhat familiar with a particular partner's likes and dislikes, that is a far cry from the physical and spiritual attunement of a couple that has been married for twenty years. I've been told and have read that it takes a decade with a spouse to get to the point where you really know them like you know yourself. I can testify to that fact, having been married for six months, and knowing that we are only still discovering the tip of the iceburg. So let's say, by way of example, that "Sam" gets married after having six partners, none for longer than two years. "Greta" marries "Sam" and is a virgin. "Sam" knows how to have an enjoyable sexual encounter, but "Greta" doesn't even know what she will enjoy. When they get married, essentially, "Sam" is as much in the dark as "Greta." They have years of exploration ahead of them, because as much as "Sam" thinks he knows, he can teach "Greta" in the space of a month. After that month, it will still take years to figure out the subtleties of one another's bodies. Does that mean that "Greta" will be the best at pleasing "Sam" of all his partners? Of course not. But if that's a worrysome idea, then "Sam" had best divorce himself of the idea that sex exists to please him. If, twenty years from their wedding, "Sam" is still thinking of the bygone days, then that is a problem with "Sam," and not a problem with "Greta." The first step to alleviating this problem ought to be the realization that "Greta" is the only one he was ever supposed to be with in the first place, and that all other experiences, pleasurable or not, were revolting in the eyes of God and should be revolting in "Sam's" eyes as well. The second step is to remember that the purpose of sexual union is to be one with your spouse, and that the physical pleasure associated with it is a gift from God as part of that union. Divorced from that union with spouse, sex is like heroin-- it gives pleasure in the moment, but it's gross, dirty, painful, and scarring in the long run. Why should "Sam" remember sinful things with fondness at all?

mlqurgw · 03-03-2005, 10:14 AM

I have been married to my wife for over 31 years and we are still exploring the depths of intamcy. There is absolutly no comparision with the intimate love of the marriage union and sex. They are night and day.

Nate · 03-03-2005, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aaron Adams

Does the specter of the past cast a shadow on the present? From time to time.

That could be a song.

**redbaron** · 03-03-2005, 12:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BillSPrestonEsq

It will affect your relationship. I have seen it do so with some friends of mine who were missionarry's, and i have seen how in my own life how less than honesty about sexual abuse even was very destructive to my relationship with my fiancee quite a while back.

Now if you mean do not get detailed... I could agree with that, if that is their desire. There is an element of not telling them everything they do not want to know, and an element of telling them what they need to.

my impression from that comment isn't saying "lie about not being a virgin" but more saying "don't tell her 'wow, you're not as good at 'x' as 'y' was'" as that will harm her, and it is not her fault.

One of the reasons that i've waited is because while i know that we won't be good at this whole thing at first, we'll get to learn together.

In reality, a person who has already had sex is in the same boat, they just might not see it as such. I think Aaron's post describes that in a way that i think is pretty honest.

audiorat1 · 03-03-2005, 06:41 PM

You can also use this experience to warn others about premarrital sex.

Fr33k · 03-08-2005, 09:59 PM

had sex before marraige, hundreds of times. I compared my wife to past women and all that junk. compared her to women I never had sex with and all that. Then I found a book, well 2 books that changed me totally. 1st book obviously was the bible. 2nd book was Every Man's Battle. Get it, read it. It speaks of this exact thing. You have to deal with and break off those past relationships in your mind. You can't think about them anymore. It's hard, but with God's help it's possible.
I'm reading EMB for the 2nd time right now with the study guide now and 1 question in there was how would you word a covenant with your eyes if you made one like Job's. I made mine this, it's hard to follow, but possible with God. I have made a covenant with mine eyes not to look at another woman except in her eyes. There's nothing to compare with your wife if you don't check out other women. Also it's all about taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

hope that helps. Seriously read Every Man's Battle. It changed my life more than any other book besides the Bible.