[JWillett]

hey guys,
for those of you who know my history in the recent months regarding my breakup, you would know that it got pretty messy and then we got close again (kissing) a month ago, and that we agreed that we wouldnt do it again. We agreed that we werent over each other and that we needed alot of time to both be single and to move on and see what happens.
Well, I also mentioned that she was also interested in another guy and they had gone out on a few dates as well. Now she is interested in another guy also. A guy I used to know in fact, who had started hanging out with her after we broke up and that I trusted that his intentions were purely friendship based. Well, they hung out so much and comforted each other so much that now they have fallen for each other. (he had broken up with His girl of six years, I thought they were gonna get back together). It hurts all over again, its feeling like Ive been betrayed. She seems to be following her feelings and getting caught in the moment and alot of people are getting hurt.

What should I do, say, and act about this situation? Keep in mind Ive lost alot of influence with her, her family and her friends since Ive been made to look like Im some kinda clingy person, who isnt over her. I feel led along by her and she left alot of things unsaid because she was unsure of what she was doing in the long run. But when I would call her and her friends were around, I would be made out to look like Im harrassing her even though we had kissed four days earlier. I have lost their respect and also her family's.

She told me this news today and it hurt all over again. I want to do whats best for me and say to her what I need to say, because Im sick of thinking about her and doing whats right for both of us. I thought we could have had something again in the future when I got myself sorted out but I dont think so anymore. Im feeling used, betrayed, hurt and also angry at myself for letting myself get into the state Im in now.

Im feeling like I cant trust anyone, and my depression is getting deeper. I need to get out of all this and even though I mentally know that God is with me, I dont feel like he is.

What do I do?

[JWillett]

We just talked, she is pretty excited with the new guy. I am in so much pain. She said she loved me but she doesnt feel right about us anymore because we had sex. We stuffed it all because of this and she wont give me a second chance. She said she could have seen us getting married but this is the consequences of what we did. We burnt that bridge.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

Im praying for you. I would really love to have some wisdom to say or something, but all I can say is, I pray for a reconcilliation of you two. Maybe not at the moment, but in the future, and that if it is not God's will, that he help you both to recover.

I admire your willingness to try and make things right and I am praying for you. Thats all I can say or do to help.

[BWyatt]

Originally Posted by JWillet

We just talked, she is pretty excited with the new guy. I am in so much pain. She said she loved me but she doesnt feel right about us anymore because we had sex. We stuffed it all because of this and she wont give me a second chance. She said she could have seen us getting married but this is the consequences of what we did. We burnt that bridge.

That complicates things quite a bit. Sex creates deep emotional bonds that, while they are hard to break, once they are broken friendship is often unrealistic. However, I don't see anything in your case (unless your holding something back) that would make that the absolute final end here.

What should I do, say, and act about this situation? Keep in mind Ive lost alot of influence with her, her family and her friends since Ive been made to look like Im some kinda clingy person, who isnt over her.

But you aren't over her. Isn't that what this post about? I'm a little confused by this statement. Could you clarify a bit? I've been in a similar position myself, and at the time I thought I wasn't clingy at all. Now that I've distanced myself from that a bit, I can see that I was being clingy and in general unfriendly toward my ex.

Well, I also mentioned that she was also interested in another guy and they had gone out on a few dates as well. Now she is interested in another guy also. A guy I used to know in fact, who had started hanging out with her after we broke up and that I trusted that his intentions were purely friendship based. Well, they hung out so much and comforted each other so much that now they have fallen for each other. (he had broken up with His girl of six years, I thought they were gonna get back together). It hurts all over again, its feeling like Ive been betrayed. She seems to be following her feelings and getting caught in the moment and alot of people are getting hurt.

Whis is "alot of people"? It looks to me like it's just you and most of your pain is being caused by jealousy. I don't want to come across as some insensitive ass, but I really think you're victimizing youself here. Yeah, you were with her for a while, yes you slept with her, yes she kissed you after you had broken up, but she's really confused right now (or else she wouldn't have kissed you and then gone for another guy). And she needs your support. Unfortunately, because of your refusal to give up and say "alright, it's over" that you're not able to support her. I've been here. And it ruined my friendship with that girl. By the time I was ready to apologize, she was killed in a car accident. That was almost 11 months ago and I still weep in agony sometimes thinking of how much I hurt her.* Don't let your selfish desire to get her back get in the way of being the kind of friend (and ultimately, the kind of man) you need to be right now.

Pray. Hard. Pray for her every day, and pray for yourself. I've said a little prayer for you just now myself, and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Be strong, seek wisdom from God, and lay yourself down in this situation. This is not about you. It's about her.


* I don't tell that story for sympathy. I tell it to show that you don't always know what the future holds, so clutching the past is one of the most hurtful things you can do.

[JWillett]

Originally Posted by BWyatt

That complicates things quite a bit. Sex creates deep emotional bonds that, while they are hard to break, once they are broken friendship is often unrealistic. However, I don't see anything in your case (unless your holding something back) that would make that the absolute final end here.

Friendship is unrealistic. She said she learned from our relationship that its not a good idea to hang out with the ex boyfriend. I struggled with her baggage from her past relationship because she would often catch up with him and he would bag me out (She ended their relationship and jumped straight into ours). She would tell me what he said too. I got hurt on a number of occasions and struggled with physical boundaries because they had done things in their past other than having sex. It hurt to find out your gf was out til 5am at a club with her ex bf. I felt quite insecure by the end and I have not recovered.
She doesnt want me to ever hang out with her, she doesnt want me to call her or have anything to do with her or her family which I loved. I asked why she couldn't have done the same for me and she said she's grown alot from our relationship. Where does that leave me? Loving a girl who I want to maintain friendship with but cant see her.
I am jealous! Because this guy, who I trusted, went behind my back and not only stole my gf but also my best friend. I am jealous that we struggled so much and yet she couldnt afford me the same chance that she is giving him. Im jealous that Ive shared myself with someone who now says she is over it all so quickly. Im feeling like I hadnt been given a good chance and I feel that from the start it was hard for us.
I want to be able to bless them but I feel only resentment. I want to be her friend but I cant. I want for us to try and make things right between us but Im not myself these days and I am unable to control my emotions. I wear my heart on my sleave.
I feel so heavy and burdened with what she said - 'that she loved me and that we would have gotten married, but we stuffed it'. I feel like I have disappointed everyone, including myself. Its been four months and I am not sleeping much and I am not thinking straight. I feel I have let down her father, who I considered my own. I feel I need to tell him everything, apologise, ask for his forgiveness. I am burdened and I need to be free from this and I know that what I am going to do will burn any bridge I had left with the father and the family.

[JWillett]

Thanks for your prayers Bill. I need it.