[emo_boy]

Verse 1
The flowers that are your eyes
Bloom every morning
They color my life
Though a storm is forming
The river that is your tongue
Flows clean and new
It refreshes makes me feel young
Life is old without you

Chorus
You are
The brightest shining star
In the sky tonight
I wish
I could walk on the clouds
So I could be that much closer to your light

Verse 2
The roses that are your cheeks
Glow brighter every day
Leaving me unable to speak
I lack the words to say
The tree that is your heart
Makes oxygen for me
I hate when we're apart
Because I can't breathe

Ending
You are my world

[PontiusPirate]

I hate when we're apart
Because I can't breathe

That part's a bit choppy.....kinda keep with the same flow...
Otherwise, I LOVE IT....awesome imagery....have music yet?

[Ordinary Sarah]

I really like the comparison to nature throughout. And the Chorus is my favorite part.

[Vvildcard]

The river that is your tongue

This line made me chuckle... "tongue" seems a bit too, um... un-romantic for this song. What about "The wind that is your breath" or something like that?

[PontiusPirate]

It made me chuckle at first also....but I like it now....
just because it's not pretty & junk doesn't mean it's unromantic....It reminds me of a poem..by someone....about teeth and lips...I can't remember who wrote it though....
I like that line though.

[emo_boy]

Yeah that line was awkward when I wrote it, but it's grown on me. I originally had something like "the wind that is your words", but could not find anything at all to rhyme with words. I usually don't have a problem not rhyming, but this song is very structured in the verses that way.

[PontiusPirate]

I really do like that line. It gives the whole thing...I don't know...reality? I dont' know. (besides, you can't see the wind...you can see everything else )

[Ordinary Sarah]

It made me chuckle at first also....but I like it now....
just because it's not pretty & junk doesn't mean it's unromantic....It reminds me of a poem..by someone....about teeth and lips...I can't remember who wrote it though....
I like that line though.

yeah, I agree. Is the song you're thinking of "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer?

[SupaNova]

Originally Posted by emo_boy

The flowers that are your eyes
Bloom every morning
They color my life
Though a storm is forming
The river that is your tongue
Flows clean and new
It refreshes makes me feel young
Life is old without you

Really cool, almost poetic imagery. The 4th line about the storm seems really out of place though.

You are
The brightest shining star
In the sky tonight
I wish
I could walk on the clouds
So I could be that much closer to your light

Nice, you managed to pretty much get around all of the common star cliches in songwriting.

The roses that are your cheeks
Glow brighter every day
Leaving me unable to speak
I lack the words to say
The tree that is your heart
Makes oxygen for me
I hate when we're apart
Because I can't breathe

I see you're sticking with the plant/nature theme. The imagery is original here as well, the tree lines in particular are really great.

You are my world

I'm quite confident you can come up with something more epic then this

This song is really different from the your last few offerings, but with that said I also really like it. Great job man!

[Philipe]

Hey, nice job! You have a great way of using comparisons, which is definately useful for writing. Keep on writing, I like your stuff!

[emo_boy]

Yeah, I don't like that last line. We all do stupid things, that line was a stupid thing.

[PontiusPirate]

yeah, I agree. Is the song you're thinking of "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Mayer?

I said POEM
and I know what it is now...."There is a Garden in her face" by Thomas Campion....
nothing like it, so nevermind. :-p