False accusations...

FilltheEarth · 02-12-2005, 09:22 PM

Some of yu have read my other thread on "losing a friend."

A few years back, I had a ....stupid crush..on her husband. And because she and I were so close, and I felt like I was totally betraying her just by feeling that way, I told her. Ever since then our relationship has been very very rocky, because every time I'm at her house or anything, and like, almost any communication takes place between her husband and me, she thinks I'm trying to "get his attention" or usurp her or flirt with him or whatever. Now, a few years ago, there was some truth to this. But there is NO truth to this any longer. I DON'T have a crush on him anymore, I don't desire him, and I really am half afraid to even talk to him although I wish things could go back to where all three of us at one point used to be like one big family.

Well, I just ran into her today and we talked. And she is absolutely convinced that the only reason I have ever been her friend is just to get to him. She tells me that I never loved her, that our entire 12 years of friendship was a fraud, etc. And she refuses to talk to me.

I am soo devastated. I don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm completely deceiving myself and maybe she's right, and then I feel hopeless and hate myself, but then I know she's not right. I wish I knew how to deal with the enemy's lies in this situation.

Heather

**bread man** · 02-13-2005, 12:21 AM

Wow. I have no idea what to tell you in this. I'm going to be praying for you though.

danalyn · 02-13-2005, 12:25 AM

wow. what a horrible situation. Have you tried telling your friend that you don't have a crush on her husband any longer?

not sure what other advice to offer you... sometimes friendships end. It's sad, but it's the way things are. People grow apart.

Praisey · 02-13-2005, 01:00 AM

first of all, i don't understand why you would tell your friend that you had a crush on her husband... i mean, no matter how deep your friendship is you don't tell your friend that... what was your purpose in telling her that anyway?

i don't mean to sound harsh at all.. but i completely understand why she would feel that way... even if she finally believe you that you have no more feelings for her husband, the whole thing will still be awkward... that's the risk you took when you decided to tell her... your friendship with her will never be the same.... except maybe when you have a boyfriend/husband to call your own.

Chris · 02-13-2005, 01:17 AM

Well, unfortunatly, I don't have any advice that is a quick fix to your situation. You could, however, take one huge leap in the right direction and try this:

You need to talk to her. Get right to the point and tell her you're sorry about what's going on. You understand that she is feeling betrayed by you in regards to what has gone on with her husband. Apologize for anything you may have done to perpetuate those feelings and that's pretty much all you can do. After that, the ball is entirely in her court. If she forgives you then wonderful, and if not, then that's between her and God.

It's not exactly easy, and it may not end pretty. But it's the only thing I can think of personally.

ChrisHarbison · 02-13-2005, 02:07 AM

Oh dear...

I want you to visualize with me for a moment. Close your eyes and imagine your wedding day. Imagine your husband, the man you love with all your heart. The man you're giving youself too physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally. You love him more than life itself. You make an oath before God to love each other until the day you die and are united as one flesh together before God. Now visualize a younger person you've been a mentor to coming and telling you that she has secret feelings for you husband. How would you react? Don't answer hastily, really think about how you'd feel. Now, is your friend unjustified in her reaction to you? As much as I hate to say this to you, I think your friend is right. She's doing her best to preserve the sanctity of her marriage. The fact that you have no feelings for this man presently is irrelevant. Your friend sees a threat to the oath her and her husband made before God and she's going to fight to preserve it. As much as it may hurt, you need to give this woman and more importantly, her husband, space. If she doesn't want to talk to you, then you need accept that and not talk to her. I know it hurts, but can you really blame her?

For the most part I agree with Chris. You should write her (and only her) a letter apologizing for the betrayal she's felt by you. You need to claim full responsibility. You then need to accept the fact that even if she forgives you, she may want that you have nothing to do with her or her husband for the safety of her marriage. Honestly, if she forgives you and she makes that decision, I can't say that I'd blame her. In fact, I'd say she's making a wise decision. I hope this helps. I know your hurt and you're in a pickle, but I also hope you can try to see your friend's point of view as well.

FilltheEarth · 02-13-2005, 03:01 AM

I think though maybe I didn't include enough info here. See, the deal with me telling her I had a crush on her husband was about *6* years ago. This isn't recent. We moved on (I thought) and tried to resume our friendship after a lot of pain and all and have been having the hardest time for the last *6* years because she still thinks I'm after him and I'm NOT. She reads it into everything I do or say. Like, for instance, she and her husband came over to help me move a little while ago, and afterward she accused me that I let her husband do too much of the work and that I was relishing in the idea of having a man care for me and help me.. (Which was just so FREAKIN off the wall!!!!I know its my word against hers, but i have no reason to share this and LIE at the same time...)

I know this was a serious matter, I HAVE apologized, I have groveled and eaten dirt for 6 years, I tell her continually that I am not interested in him, and still she reads it into everything I do. The last incident and the one that is currently coming up when i try to resume communication with her, is an incident where her husband was talking to me (with her present in the room no less) about issues he was having with some other christians who were giving him a hard time, who are friends of mine that I have known for a long time -and she freaked out at me - but I apologized to her about even getting INTO a conversation with him although I can't stand this level of "walking on eggshells." I mean, I was young, I was stupid, can't we get past this and have normal relationships, all three of us?

But the point is, she ain't even talking to me now, and tells me that we never really did have a relationship cause I was supposedly after him the whole time. it totally breaks my heart, I go through so much pain from her rejection and she thinks I don't care about her at all.. I've never sat around crying that HE won't talk to me..I've only ever sat around praying and crying about the fact that SHE won't talk to me. It's such a freakin mess. How do I get through to her that I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HER HUSBAND????

Chris · 02-13-2005, 03:14 AM

There's nothing you can do to prove to her that you aren't after her husband. Listening to what you said almost makes her sound paranoid and not only not trusting you but not trusting her own husband.

Nevertheless, all you can do IMO is what I stated before. And after you do apologize, once and for all leave it beteen her and God.

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 02-13-2005, 11:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FilltheEarth

I think though maybe I didn't include enough info here. See, the deal with me telling her I had a crush on her husband was about *6* years ago. This isn't recent. We moved on (I thought) and tried to resume our friendship after a lot of pain and all and have been having the hardest time for the last *6* years because she still thinks I'm after him and I'm NOT. She reads it into everything I do or say. Like, for instance, she and her husband came over to help me move a little while ago, and afterward she accused me that I let her husband do too much of the work and that I was relishing in the idea of having a man care for me and help me.. (Which was just so FREAKIN off the wall!!!!I know its my word against hers, but i have no reason to share this and LIE at the same time...)

I know this was a serious matter, I HAVE apologized, I have groveled and eaten dirt for 6 years, I tell her continually that I am not interested in him, and still she reads it into everything I do. The last incident and the one that is currently coming up when i try to resume communication with her, is an incident where her husband was talking to me (with her present in the room no less) about issues he was having with some other christians who were giving him a hard time, who are friends of mine that I have known for a long time -and she freaked out at me - but I apologized to her about even getting INTO a conversation with him although I can't stand this level of "walking on eggshells." I mean, I was young, I was stupid, can't we get past this and have normal relationships, all three of us?

But the point is, she ain't even talking to me now, and tells me that we never really did have a relationship cause I was supposedly after him the whole time. it totally breaks my heart, I go through so much pain from her rejection and she thinks I don't care about her at all.. I've never sat around crying that HE won't talk to me..I've only ever sat around praying and crying about the fact that SHE won't talk to me. It's such a freakin mess. How do I get through to her that I AM NOT INTERESTED IN HER HUSBAND????

If you think about what Chris Harbison said and filtered it through this...

Your telling her this may have destroyed the friendship, and be hard to deal with. Say they are having a touch of trouble in their marriage, she has a reason, based on the past to be afraid. What I am saying is, Jealousy is the rage of a man the proverbs say... Im not sure what they would have said about a woman's jealousy, but I truly think that six years ago you dealt the friendship a mortal blow. Her view of you was marred, and frankly, what would you have expected? Her responses are totally understandable.

Id write a letter, and might ask if you could start talking with her one on one without her husband present so she could be sure of your motives... But myu guess is she has hit some rocky times with her husband, and you are now seen as a direct threat, and I am sorry to say, for a very understandable reason.

Yojimbo · 02-13-2005, 12:49 PM

I don't know if her paranoia is totally justified. I don't know in what context or with what motives Filltheearth confessed her crush, but that was SIX YEARS ago. Providing that there isn't something that Fillthearth left out (like that she stalked her crush for awhile), I think this is being excessively unforgiving. Crushes happen unwillingly. If this husband was so great, this woman shouldn't be that surprised that people come to like him after knowing him, since presumably she was in the same boat at one time. Yes, this woman should've been initially annoyed and suspcious, and yes, some measure of separation should have taken place, and still be taking place...but I don't think we should give her a free pass for her behavior, as Fillthearth has described it.

nolidad · 02-13-2005, 01:14 PM

Quote:

I think though maybe I didn't include enough info here. See, the deal with me telling her I had a crush on her husband was about *6* years ago. This isn't recent. We moved on (I thought) and tried to resume our friendship after a lot of pain and all and have been having the hardest time for the last *6* years because she still thinks I'm after him and I'm NOT.

Chris and Bill Preston have given you about the highest you can hope to get in this. By your wrong desire (nomatter how many years ago) you havew destroyed a bond of trust. Once that bond is broken though possible they rarely ever mend whole again. YOu need top give this girl time, space and love without time limits. I think when you have a husband of yoru own it may help. The issue here now is not anything whe may or may nor be overreacting to (and yes there are issues on her side as well) but the fact you had motives for her husband. Play low. You have apologized and grovelled. Now live it--no more letters are needed. You should never bring it up again in her presence. If sahe does--own yhour mistake accept the responsibility for hte pain you caused--butr then move on. You are right that it is now in her court--but that court is taking a slow time and you must be patient.

FilltheEarth · 02-13-2005, 01:52 PM

I know this dealt a mortal blow to our friendship. When I was coming to grips with the fact that I really had all these feelings I shouldn't have been having towards her husband, I prayed about it for months and months wondering what to do. I was torn in half because I didn't want to risk losing her, but I guess I felt like she would sense it or something and it would be better if I just owned up. My friendship with her was SO deep that I felt like an absolute fake if I didn't admit what I was feeling. She has been like a mom to me, and part of me just wishes she could have just seen me in my immaturity, coming to her as an older mentor, and not freaked out so bad. But this is compounded by other issues which I'll get to below.

But, the reality of the situation is that I am NOT a threat to her relationship with husband. Both in the present (since I have no feelings remaining towards him) and even in the past (because although I had feelings and stuff, I never would have acted on them or allowed anything to happen between me and him.) Not to mention that he isn't the kind of guy that would have let anything happen from his direction, either, notwithstanding the fact that I don't be he would ever have had any temptation towards me anyway.

But case in point: when I was 13, I took a vow before the Lord that I wouldnt kiss a man on the lips until I was married to him. When I was 14-15 I messed up on that vow, but ever since then I have kept my vow, and not kissed anyone. Heck, I don't even believe in holding hands. I know to some this may be extreme, but the point is that at least outwardly, I think my track record shows I can be trusted with guys.

I'm not saying this makes me righteous or holy, I realize that God wants my heart and mind to be as pure as my outside. But this was all about FEELINGS, no more, no less. Seriously, years ago I was self-destructive and suicidal about all this...I couldn't believe that I had such evil thoughts and feelings that was hurting someone that I loved so much (my friend). I just wanted to punish myself. Every church I visited, every time I prayed with a group of people, I'd tell them the whole thing (resulting in a lot of women suddenly forbidding me to talk to their husbands, like my youth leader's wife) and beg them to pray for me. I didn't know how to make it go away. I tortured myself over this and almost flunked out of college over this. This has been the hugest black cloud in my life, and yet I think she is utterly blind to the fact that I have suffered at all..she's just pissed.

And here's the deeper issue: She had health problems in the midst of all this. ANd back then, and to this day, she believes that my desires towards her husband which yes, were sin and yes, were hurtful for her and I recognize that..but to this day, she believes that my thoughts and emotions caused her to be spiritually attacked, resulting in her sickness. And it continues... if she has an ache or a pain, she believes that I cause it by sending satanic attack after her. She calls me a witch and says I am doing voodoo to her.

I'd have to say that I really doubt she is "concerned about her marriage" as much as she is concerned that if I have sin in my heart, it causes her health problems.

...
Heather

nolidad · 02-13-2005, 02:17 PM

Quote:

My friendship with her was SO deep that I felt like an absolute fake if I didn't admit what I was feeling. She has been like a mom to me, and part of me just wishes she could have just seen me in my immaturity, coming to her as an older mentor, and not freaked out so bad. But this is compounded by other issues which I'll get to below.

Well Heather let us deal with just your side as you are the one writing. IF your friendship with her was SO deep as you put it-you would have doen whatever ti took to nip those feelings in the bud before they became the problem they did. The fact you entertained them says that while she was your friend-you coveted after soemthing that was hers and not yours.

Quote:

But, the reality of the situation is that I am NOT a threat to her relationship with husband. Both in the present (since I have no feelings remaining towards him) and even in the past (because although I had feelings and stuff, I never would have acted on them or allowed anything to happen between me and him.) Not to mention that he isn't the kind of guy that would have let anything happen from his direction, either, notwithstanding the fact that I don't be he would ever have had any temptation towards me anyway.

Having counseled many many people-- you just don't know what would have happened if you pushed your feelings more and he responded to them. Purest intentions drown in the heat of passion and hormones. Literally millions of young adults have swoprn what you just said and fell when the situation became to impaasioned so you just don't know what may have happened of other circumstances played out.

All the rest are issues that have to be dea;lt with from your friends end. All you can do is love from a distance and let her breach the gap that was made--no matter how long it may take. I am sorry, but you cannot rush her to trust when you so openly told her of yoru betrayal of her. God has forgiven you completely, so omve on from there and poray for yoru friend and your restoration and reconciliation to her.

FilltheEarth · 02-13-2005, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nolidad

Well Heather let us deal with just your side as you are the one writing. IF your friendship with her was SO deep as you put it-you would have doen whatever ti took to nip those feelings in the bud before they became the problem they did. The fact you entertained them says that while she was your friend-you coveted after soemthing that was hers and not yours.

Thanks nolidad for writing, your words are wisdom and truth, and I have to agree with you and scripture to say, you know, you are absolutely right. What I allowed to live in my heart showed that I didnt have true agape love for her like I should have, because love is not jealousy and does not covet, etc etc.
But I have never experienced such a contradiction and tearing in my soul that was so unimaginable! I DID truly love her in some sense! I don't understand fully the workings in my heart and how these two things could exist side by side but I do know that it absolutely destroyed me that I was losing her friendship, while at the same time I was being the very cause of its destruction. Go figure? I was like the man who gets drunk every night, comes home and beats up his family, only to realize in the morning that his family has left him and it kills him, because he DOES love his family in some sense and desperately doesn't want to hurt them OR lose them, but doesn't know how to stop himself. But at any rate, you are right. THe part of me that had a crush on him was the part of me that didn't love her. And yet at the same time, it's years later, but to her its still the same, because every little thing I do or say is construed that I'm still feeling this way, living this way, when in reality soooo much has happened in my heart since then and I've learned a whole lot more about love, I think. http://heathercreature.tripod.com/id10.html (from my journal.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by continued....

Having counseled many many people-- you just don't know what would have happened if you pushed your feelings more and he responded to them. Purest intentions drown in the heat of passion and hormones. Literally millions of young adults have swoprn what you just said and fell when the situation became to impaasioned so you just don't know what may have happened of other circumstances played out.

I know I sound really smug to say such a thing, but I *do* know. First of all, I told her. That right there was a sign that I would not allow things to happen that shouldn't happen. Or why would I have told her?
Secondly, i am 29 years old now. I have had MANY, MANY opportunities to "let my hormones play out" in a variety of circumstances with other guys, some of which were very tempting. And yet, I have said no by the grace of God - so I do believe He would have kept me through this situation as well, and, He in such DID and HAS.
In fact, a guy in college that I DESPERATELY wanted to have a relationship with, attempted to hold hands with me and I gently had to return his hand to him and tell him that if we were going to have a relationship, that it couldn't happen like that. (Like I said, I know I might sound extreme to some people, but this is just how I feel led to walk.) At any rate, I know that outwardly I can say "no" to men because the Holy Spirit has disciplined that part of my life and it is HIS.
But the thought life stuff took a LOT longer to learn to yeild to Him (not like i have that 100% under control, either) and was a lot harder to get a handle on than outward stuff.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I mean, the fact is that she is ULTRA sensitive in this and I suppose that is my cross to bear for what I have done, to learn to be patient and sensitive to her insecurities. But the fact is, that now she aint even talking to me cause she had some aches and pains that she felt were from me. I don't know how to diffuse this situation and help her know that I really do love her and that she can hurt me too...

Honestly, I'm just really worn out and tired and about ready to tell her, "I don't care what you think of me. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise or subject myself to constant torture. Think whatever you want to think and we'll just go our separate ways."

Nah, I don't think I'm ready to do that yet. But I do feel totally disconnected from her after 2 years of intense accusations and Im just tired of fighting.

Heather

All the rest are issues that have to be dea;lt with from your friends end. All you can do is love from a distance and let her breach the gap that was made--no matter how long it may take. I am sorry, but you cannot rush her to trust when you so openly told her of yoru betrayal of her. God has forgiven you completely, so omve on from there and poray for yoru friend and your restoration and reconciliation to her.[/QUOTE]

FilltheEarth · 02-13-2005, 02:57 PM

I know I'm arguing with you and you might feel that I'm not listening to what you have to say, but I'm actually REALLY listening and just pouring out all the crap in my heart to get your feedback - and letting you see my defenses, even though they might be all wrong, to see how you all would handle it. So please don't be turned off by the fact that I keep retorting to things.

Heather