[Twain's Mystery]

Yeah...this one's still very working. I just need some feedback on it b/c I'm stuck right now writing it. It's really rough, some rhymes don't exactly match up, and I think conceptually it's still coming together. Thanks for taking the time!

I've been scared
I've been locked in my cathedral
Beneath the pew
Peering out the stained glass windows

And I confess
That I've blown out all the candles
Polished my pride
Set it high atop the mantle

And a glass bottle can't take a ship no where
And it can't take a message if there isn't one to bear
It can't fill the emptiness if there was nothing ever there
It's just a grey and empty bottle catching every tear

I wonder why
They all seem to see
the same signs
Are they for everyone but me?

What I need
Is not some writing in the sky
Just a voice
A silent whisper in the quiet




edit: Oops, I wrote in a verse I scrapped, so I took it out.

[SupaNova]

Originally Posted by Twain's Mystery

Yeah...this one's still very working. I just need some feedback on it b/c I'm stuck right now writing it. It's really rough, some rhymes don't exactly match up, and I think conceptually it's still coming together. Thanks for taking the time!

Really, the only critique I can give right now is that the 2nd verse seems less interesting compared to the chorus and the 1st verse. You have all of this imagery about this room in a cathedral with pews, and candels, and a ship-in-a-bottle, but then you just start musing thoughts in the 2nd verse. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but that just struck me as a different approach from the rest of the song so far. Wait, there is one specific line I'll give you feedback on:

And a glass bottle can't take a ship no where

Oh...the grammatical horrors
Well not really, but it still sounds akward and seems like you just stuck that part in to force a rhyme out of it.

I'll be looking forward to reading this song when you've completed it. Keep up the great writing man.