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Unread 01-13-2005, 01:39 PM   #1
is growing up
 
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Jamie Grace (RC)

Just finished this song last night, and would appreciate it if you guys would rip it apart for me. Thanks

Jamie Grace

1st verse
She took me for a spin , all I asked for was a ride
Am I still half drunk, or am I back in my right mind
I think she walked down from the clouds
Were those flowers in her hair
She was too cliché to be true
But in the moment, couldn’t say I really cared

chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
This night was always ours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, so full of grace

2nd verse
So she took hold of my hand and refused to let me go
Whatever she saw in me, I wonder if God even knows
Hoping in some hopeless dolt
Must have been her philosophy
Seemed like the earth was at a stand still
Of course, it was probably just me

(chorus)

3rd verse
So the hours turned to days which turned to weeks all by myself
Couldn’t seem to hold a conversation with anybody else
Then chance must of taken pity
When we collided by mistake
Tattered red hair veiling stoned blue eyes
Barley pieced my name together
Must of caught her by surprise


2nd chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
My life was never yours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, falling so far from grace

bridge
Probably crumpled up my number long ago
Just trying to get a one night buzz for all I know
Maybe you were just a fantasy
Embedded into my memory

For once I was heading toward the right place
For once, I walked up at the right time
And once again, I was in love for all the wrong reasons
Then again, I guess that you were too

(2nd chorus, repeated a few times)

------------------------------------
Note: I just realized that the last verse has an extra line Oh well, just ignore the rhyme scheme for now, I'll fix that verse later.

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Last edited by SupaNova; 01-13-2005 at 11:37 PM.
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Unread 01-18-2005, 08:41 PM   #2
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[QUOTE=SupaNova]Just finished this song last night, and would appreciate it if you guys would rip it apart for me. Thanks

Jamie Grace

1st verse
Quote:
She took me for a spin , all I asked for was a ride
Am I still half drunk, or am I back in my right mind
It's a good start, a nice way to take it off, we can already basically see where you're going with this.

Quote:
I think she walked down from the clouds
Were those flowers in her hair
She was too cliché to be true
But in the moment, couldn’t say I really cared
"But in the moment, couldn't say I really cared" seems a little off-rhythm.


Quote:
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
This night was always ours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, so full of grace
It's about the best part of the song, but it doesn't quite include the spirit of verse3/the bridge, but otherwise, it's a strong, catchy chorus.

Quote:
So she took hold of my hand and refused to let me go
Whatever she saw in me, I wonder if God even knows
Hoping in some hopeless dolt
Must have been her philosophy
Seemed like the earth was at a stand still
Of course, it was probably just me
"and refused to let me go" also seems strange, just as if it didn't totally fit, maybe one syllable too many. Otherwise it goes well, the "Dolt" reference is a little less "sophisticate" than the rest of the song, but it still fits in pretty well.

Quote:
So the hours turned to days which turned to weeks all by myself
Couldn’t seem to hold a conversation with anybody else
Then chance must of taken pity
When we collided by mistake
Tattered red hair veiling stoned blue eyes
Barley pieced my name together
Must of caught her by surprise
I like this verse best of all, it seems more like your cup o' tea. But "of" doesn't work, it should be "must've" or "must have." at least, I think.


Quote:
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
My life was never yours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, falling so far from grace
Beautifully done except for the last line, I might cut out the "falling" reference, unless it's needed.


Quote:
Probably crumpled up my number long ago
Just trying to get a one night buzz for all I know
Maybe you were just a fantasy
Embedded into my memory

For once I was heading toward the right place
For once, I walked up at the right time
And once again, I was in love for all the wrong reasons
Then again, I guess that you were too
A strong ending, but "then again, I guess, so were you" might work as well as the final line, it seems a little, I dunno, stilted.

All in all, it's a great song, it needs maybe a little touching up. But nothing major, it has that same "There" feeling as your other songs, you really have a gift for songwriting, albiet, sad, angry songs.
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Unread 01-23-2005, 12:55 AM   #3
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Thanks for the critique. Yeah, I intend on sitting down and editing a few lines to make them flow better rhymthcally sometime soon. But in the meantime, does anyone else have any thoughts?
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Unread 01-24-2005, 02:41 AM   #4
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i'm going to post some thoughts in the morning, it's too late for erika's to be thinking this time of night - but i'm liking it!
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Visit: Andrew's blog Kepa's blog Galen's Blog Fuzz's Blog Travis' Blog Blessed are the hands that keep giving, but never recieve.
Locked into a corner, up against the wall,
I know you've been stumbling, trying not to fall.
I can feel your sorrow, and I can share your pain
I can hear the questions exploding in your brain.
Walking in the shadows, feeling all alone;
Looking for the answers, rolling every stone.
'Tis a run in silence, and laughing nearly came
Though my eyes can't see you, I know we're much the same.
-Just The Same, Phil Keaggy

The sky is raining tears tonight My brother You know it's hard to sleep So far from home The moon has covered up her eyes My sister I thought I'd find you here But I am all alone All alone Light of Heaven Lord of mercy Shine the goodness Of your love upon this day Till we see you Till we know you Till the sorrow And the darkness fades away Fades away I searched the city streets today My father The tunnel and the train The river and the rain I walked beneath the harbor lights My mother And in the shadows there I call your name I call your name
-Light Of Heaven, Fernando Ortega
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Unread 01-27-2005, 10:42 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Erika
i'm going to post some thoughts in the morning, it's too late for erika's to be thinking this time of night - but i'm liking it!
Did you have any other thoughts or did you wake up in the morning and realize that it was a piece of crap
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Unread 01-27-2005, 11:55 PM   #6
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haha...no, i do have thoughts, but I had to fix someone's computer and it took most of yesterday. today i am going to work at a christian camp near me and won't be back until monday (your sunday) and then i will give you ALL my thoughts. but i leave in about 5 minutes

God bless you...
-erika
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Visit: Andrew's blog Kepa's blog Galen's Blog Fuzz's Blog Travis' Blog Blessed are the hands that keep giving, but never recieve.
Locked into a corner, up against the wall,
I know you've been stumbling, trying not to fall.
I can feel your sorrow, and I can share your pain
I can hear the questions exploding in your brain.
Walking in the shadows, feeling all alone;
Looking for the answers, rolling every stone.
'Tis a run in silence, and laughing nearly came
Though my eyes can't see you, I know we're much the same.
-Just The Same, Phil Keaggy

The sky is raining tears tonight My brother You know it's hard to sleep So far from home The moon has covered up her eyes My sister I thought I'd find you here But I am all alone All alone Light of Heaven Lord of mercy Shine the goodness Of your love upon this day Till we see you Till we know you Till the sorrow And the darkness fades away Fades away I searched the city streets today My father The tunnel and the train The river and the rain I walked beneath the harbor lights My mother And in the shadows there I call your name I call your name
-Light Of Heaven, Fernando Ortega
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Unread 02-02-2005, 11:12 PM   #7
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I'm just giving this thread one final bump to see if I can squeeze a RC out of anyone else.
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Unread 02-02-2005, 11:23 PM   #8
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Fine, geez!

Quote:
Originally Posted by SupaNova
Jamie Grace

1st verse
She took me for a spin , all I asked for was a ride
Am I still half drunk, or am I back in my right mind
I think she walked down from the clouds
Were those flowers in her hair
She was too cliché to be true
But in the moment, couldn’t say I really cared
Nice. Great intro to the song, theme, characters, mood all introduced well. I especially like "she was too cliché to be true."
Quote:
chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
This night was always ours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, so full of grace
I'm sorry man, but this chorus causes me physical pain. Of course, this is coming from the guy who wrote "Sofia, everybody wants to be ya" and has had to suffer through countless requests from friends to play it. Constantly. This chorus just kinda...hurts. But it might be relentlessly catchy and a crowd favourite. So take my words here with a grain of salt. I did, after all write "Sofia". Oy...
Quote:
2nd verse
So she took hold of my hand and refused to let me go
Whatever she saw in me, I wonder if God even knows
Hoping in some hopeless dolt
Must have been her philosophy
Seemed like the earth was at a stand still
Of course, it was probably just me
Good. "Dolt" seems a little bit hard in the middle of a bunch of soft-sounding words, but that might be intentional. It's not as strong as the first verse, but it accomplishes its purpose and I like it.
Quote:
3rd verse
So the hours turned to days which turned to weeks all by myself
Couldn’t seem to hold a conversation with anybody else
Then chance must of taken pity
When we collided by mistake
Tattered red hair veiling stoned blue eyes
Barley pieced my name together
Must of caught her by surprise
"Chance" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Fate" maybe? Some other personification that would have more of an impact? Furthermore, are you suggesting she was on drugs? Not sure what you're saying in parts of this verse.
Quote:
2nd chorus
Jamie Grace
With your hands upon your waist
Jamie Grace
My life was never yours to waste
Jamie Grace
Jamie, falling so far from grace
Rhythm change has been previously mentioned.
Quote:
bridge
Probably crumpled up my number long ago
Just trying to get a one night buzz for all I know
Maybe you were just a fantasy
Embedded into my memory
Nice. I really like this.
Quote:
For once I was heading toward the right place
For once, I walked up at the right time
And once again, I was in love for all the wrong reasons
Then again, I guess that you were too
This isn't as strong as the first part of the bridge.
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Unread 02-04-2005, 12:22 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeeter
I'm sorry man, but this chorus causes me physical pain. Of course, this is coming from the guy who wrote "Sofia, everybody wants to be ya" and has had to suffer through countless requests from friends to play it. Constantly. This chorus just kinda...hurts. But it might be relentlessly catchy and a crowd favourite. So take my words here with a grain of salt. I did, after all write "Sofia". Oy...
I apologize, may you find a more creative chorus to soothe your wounds But yeah, the chorus only exists to be sickeningly catchy and guaranteed to stay in your head for days on end. I kind of came up with the character and the chorus melody, and then wrote the rest of the song around it. Now, I shall have to check out this "Sofia" song....

Quote:
Good. "Dolt" seems a little bit hard in the middle of a bunch of soft-sounding words, but that might be intentional. It's not as strong as the first verse, but it accomplishes its purpose and I like it.
The only words I could think of were "dolt" and "fool" and I figured that "dolt" would at least pack a better punch lyric wise.

Quote:
"Chance" doesn't seem to be the right word. "Fate" maybe? Some other personification that would have more of an impact? Furthermore, are you suggesting she was on drugs? Not sure what you're saying in parts of this verse.
Hmm..."fate" might be a better word for that slot, I shall consider it. As for the girl being on drugs, well...that's kind of the right idea. Since the first part of the song makes her out to be the ideal, "perfect" girl and kind of gives off this dream like, drunken state, I figured why not give her a bit of a hang-over on this last verse. And in hindsight, "stoned" may not have been the best word to use there.

Quote:
This isn't as strong as the first part of the bridge
I haven't really been satisfied with this part either. I can't seem to word it just right, so maybe I'll scrap it and try some new lines there.

Thanks man, your thoughts are always appreciated!
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Unread 02-04-2005, 05:08 AM   #10
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I wrote this two years ago. I still get friends asking me to play it. Heck, sometimes I'll play it when I'm alone. It's a bit of a guilty pleasure for me: Sophia.
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Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
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Unread 01-29-2015, 09:12 PM   #11
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Ya know, 10 years later, this could be taken a different route. You know, since Jamie Grace is a famous Christian singer.
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Unread 01-30-2015, 12:22 AM   #12
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lol, I actually thought it was about the singer....

I was about to comment that this was a bit of a crazy fandom...
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