Hello (RC)

Swanky · 01-04-2005, 09:00 PM

Verse 1:
hello, can you hear my heart race?
I know it's been awhile since we've talked
and even longer since I've listened

Chorus 1:
But I
I don't have reasons
I don't even have excuses
that I can comprehend
I can't
can't find my feet
let alone the floor to kneel
won't you hold me now?

Verse 2:
"my dear," you said. "I know your heart,
better than you do."
How am I supposed to know? Because

Chorus 2:
I
I don't have reasons
I don't even have excuses
that I can comprehend
I can't
can't find my feet
let alone the floor, to kneel
won't you catch me when I'm

Bridge:
on my way down
down onto my knees
I don't need the floor
I'll fall until I'm on my face
as long as I can say

Chorus 3:
I
I don't have reasons
I don't even have excuses
that I can comprehend
I can't
can't find my feet
let alone the floor, to kneel
won't you catch me

Outro:
"hello," you said, as I rest in your arms again

**Skeeter** · 01-04-2005, 10:50 PM

Hello? Is it me you're looking fooooorrr?

Anyways...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Swanky

Verse 1:
hello, can you hear my heart race?
I know it's been awhile since we've talked
and even longer since I've listened

I like this opening. It's a little short, but it's a suitable introduction to the mood and feel of the song

Quote:

Chorus 1:
But I
I don't have reasons
I don't even have excuses
that I can comprehend
I can't
can't find my feet
let alone the floor to kneel
won't you hold me now?

The bolded lines are the strongest in my opinion.The other lines are good, but they don't grab me as much as those two.

Quote:

Verse 2:
"my dear," you said. "I know your heart,
better than you do."
How am I supposed to know? Because

Hrm, not as strong as the first verse. This one's a little piecemeal and a little too ordinary.

Quote:

Chorus 2:
I
I don't have reasons
I don't even have excuses
that I can comprehend
I can't
can't find my feet
let alone the floor, to kneel
won't you catch me when I'm

This obviously isn't a typical verse/chorus/verse/chorus deal as you're changing things around. Musically it may follow that structure but I wouldn't label it as such in your lyrics. That may just be me though.

Quote:

Bridge:
on my way down
down onto my knees
I don't need the floor
I'll fall until I'm on my face
as long as I can say

I like "I don't need the floor" and the rest is fairly strong as well.

Quote:

Chorus 3:
I
I don't have reasons
I don't even have excuses
that I can comprehend
I can't
can't find my feet
let alone the floor, to kneel
won't you catch me

Good good. But I'm not sure I like the progression of the last line of each of the choruses. You start off asking God to hold you, then ask Him to catch you? That seems a little strange. I'd like to see a different line in the first chorus and make the line in this last chorus "Won't you hold me." Get a progression from falling (or something), to catching, to holding.

Quote:

Outro:
"hello," you said, as I rest in your arms again

Not bad at all. Good song, I like it. A little ordinary in a couple places, but you've got some great lines here and a good theme running throughout the piece. Strong work.

finchfeeder · 01-05-2005, 06:39 AM

I disagree with Skeeter about verse 2. I like the: my dear I know your heart better than you do line. It tells me the point of the song.

I'm not a great expert. I don't usually hang out in this department. I'm impressed by your work or I would not have responded.

I like the overall concept of this song and the style.