A New Years Allegation(RCish)

Opie · 12-30-2004, 10:03 PM

I wrote this song...because I haven't written in a while and I fealt like being emo because...I'll be alone on New Years eve! woohoo! Here it is...tear it apart!

A New Years Allegation

V1) Well I jotted down this note
To thank you for waiting until I got through the doorway
To make him your new years resolution
And as for self improvement
I plan on taking a hiatus
Just to add to the effect of this broken hearted illusion

C) Well tonite I think I'll set this place on fire
And burn away all my hearts desires
I'll watch these letters blaze so highly
From all the cologne that I supplied them
I'm going to watch it come down around me
And leave this as a monument to memories

V2) Well Introverted little me
In a room full of people I can manage to be alone
And I'm terribly happy...You can see that I lie so well
The clock strikes midnight...
You've run out of time
Burnt out on the floor...I guess payback really is hell

B) Melting down, leaving everything but this foundation
So I guess we'll both start over with all our good intentions
In different directions...In different directions

guitarfreak217 · 01-01-2005, 01:22 AM

I really love the 4th and 5th line in the first verse. I love it. You must have been feeling very emo but it suits being alone on new years.

Opie · 01-01-2005, 02:40 AM

Alrite Skeeter-Dan...I'm waiting for you to rip it to shreds!

emo_boy · 01-01-2005, 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

I wrote this song...because I haven't written in a while and I fealt like being emo because...I'll be alone on New Years eve! woohoo! Here it is...tear it apart!

A New Years Allegation

V1) Well I jotted down this note
To thank you for waiting until I got through the doorway
To make him your new years resolution
And as for self improvement
I plan on taking a hiatus
Just to add to the effect of this broken hearted illusion

Ok, the first three lines seem disconnected from the last three. I guess I'd have to hear the music. The ideas seem complete, so if there was a kind of division in the music, maybe a couple measure riff or something it would work.

Quote:

C) Well tonite I think I'll set this place on fire
And burn away the memories and all my hearts desires
I'll watch these letters blaze so highly
From all the cologne that I supplied them
I'm going to watch it come down around me
And leave this as a monument to memories

I really like this chorus. It flows very well. It's cliche but it works because it seems you've put your spin on the cliche's. I think you might want to change your title to Monument To Memories. I think it could be a great hook and would tighten up the song.

Quote:

V2) You said you would love me
Forever and tomorrow
Tomorrow is approaching and forever was just a year
And now I'm writhing in your insults
Not spoken but contrived
I break down when your away but I can't stand it when you're here

this verse if just ok. starts out with the classic emo cliche lol, but unlike the chorus this seems to just dry up. Probably the weakest part of the song.

Quote:

B)Melting down, leaving everything but this foundation
So I guess we'll both start over with all our good intentions
In different directions...In different directions

[/QUOTE]
If you changed the title to Monument To Memories you could end this with that line, maybe taking out one of the repeats or however you could work into the music.

You
ve got some good writing skills. They improve with every song.

Opie · 01-01-2005, 07:43 PM

Yeah I like that Monuments to Memories...I may just do that...thanks for your comments...I do agree I think the 2nd verse needs something else but I don't feel like messing with it right now...Maybe in the next few hours I'll see what I can do...

Thanks for your comments

Opie · 01-01-2005, 08:14 PM

Ok I tryed to fix the second verse...I don't know that I like it any more...what do you think?

Opie · 01-03-2005, 06:40 PM

RCs?

**SupaNova** · 01-04-2005, 12:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

RCs?

Okay, but you asked for it....

Quote:

Well I jotted down this note
To thank you for waiting until I got through the doorway
To make him your new years resolution
And as for self improvement
I plan on taking a hiatus
Just to add to the effect of this broken hearted illusion

The verse is quick and to the point, but judging from the anger that permeates through the whole song, I'd say a harsh, simple lyrical scheme is appropriate. The two longer lines are a mouthful however.

Quote:

Well tonite I think I'll set this place on fire
And burn away the memories and all my hearts desires
I'll watch these letters blaze so highly
From all the cologne that I supplied them
I'm going to watch it come down around me
And leave this as a monument to memories

I think that the first two lines would flow better if you took out "I think" and "the memories and", respectively. They don't really add anything to the point of the song, but ultimately the choice is yours. Are the 3rd and 4th lines suppose to rhyme? Other than that the chorus is pretty solid.

Quote:

Well Introverted little me
In a room full of people I can manage to be alone
Just to let you know I'm terribly happy...but not really...
The clock strikes midnight...
You've run out of time
Your charade is almost over...won't you tell me how you're feeling...

The rhyme scheme isn't very clear, and the 2nd line is fairly cliche, but other than that it's great.

Quote:

Melting down, leaving everything but this foundation
So I guess we'll both start over with all our good intentions
In different directions...In different directions

Not the strongest part of this song, but it gets the job done.

I'm kind of torn whether or not to add my recommendation for a name change. While I like "Monument to Memories" better, without some kind of allusion to New Years Eve, the lyrics lose much of their punch. But overall, it seems that you're continuing to harness your talent of writing the "emo song". Keep up the great writing!

Opie · 01-04-2005, 04:24 PM

The rhyme scheme was written around the guitar part...You'd have to hear it to fully understand so thats part of what makes the rhymes seem so forced or whatever...

On the chorus it's not supposed to rhyme but the way I sing it it does seem to kind of rhyme a little bit...I kind of like the "I think" but I agree that I can take out the and memories...

The line in the second verse is kind of cliche...if you have suggestions I would be more than willing to change out...that was the best I could think of at that moment in time...I was basically tired and not thinking much...

I agree the bridge thing needs to be stronger but it does tend to kind of pull the song together...So I don't mind it being as weak...

maybe for the song title thing I could do a something like this...
Monuments To Memories: a new years allegation

or use parenthesis...I agree...I like both titles and I'm quite torn over it!

Thanks for your comments!!!

**SupaNova** · 01-06-2005, 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

The rhyme scheme was written around the guitar part...You'd have to hear it to fully understand so thats part of what makes the rhymes seem so forced or whatever...

I can understand that. I think that's a problem with some of my lyrics too.

Quote:

maybe for the song title thing I could do a something like this...
Monuments To Memories: a new years allegation or use parenthesis...I agree...I like both titles and I'm quite torn over it![/

That's actually a pretty good solution, I'd go with both titles, paremthesis and all

**Skeeter** · 01-07-2005, 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

I wrote this song...because I haven't written in a while and I fealt like being emo because...I'll be alone on New Years eve! woohoo! Here it is...tear it apart!

Tearing.

Quote:

A New Years Allegation

V1) Well I jotted down this note
To thank you for waiting until I got through the doorway
To make him your new years resolution
And as for self improvement
I plan on taking a hiatus
Just to add to the effect of this broken hearted illusion

Nice. Good opening. A little unclear, but that's alright.

Quote:

C) Well tonite I think I'll set this place on fire
And burn away the memories and all my hearts desires
I'll watch these letters blaze so highly
From all the cologne that I supplied them
I'm going to watch it come down around me
And leave this as a monument to memories

Little cliché in the first couple lines, but I love the third and fourth lines. The final line is good too. "Monument to memories" rolls off the tongue nicely and can make a nice hook, depending on the music.

Quote:

V2) Well Introverted little me
In a room full of people I can manage to be alone
Just to let you know I'm terribly happy...but not really...
The clock strikes midnight...
You've run out of time
Your charade is almost over...won't you tell me how you're feeling...

The third line...meh. Not too thrilled with it. Normally I would like that kind of switch, saying something than disagreeing with yourself, but the way you did it here is just so half-assed. "Not really" just sounds so wussy. If you're going contradict yourself, do it! Don't _____-foot around! Last few lines of this verse are okay.

Quote:

B) Melting down, leaving everything but this foundation
So I guess we'll both start over with all our good intentions
In different directions...In different directions

I like it a lot. Great way to shift away from what we're expecting in the last line.

Good song. I'd have to hear it to see how all the rhythms work, but you've got some great lines and a few that can be improved pretty easily. I like this one.

Opie · 01-07-2005, 03:56 PM

thanks skeet...I knew i could count on you :-D

Any suggestions?

Opie · 01-10-2005, 10:54 PM

???

**Skeeter** · 01-11-2005, 06:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Opie

thanks skeet...I knew i could count on you :-D

Any suggestions?

I don't know. I kind of made the suggestions I could in my RC. Just the one suggestion really, to not be a wuss on the one line. Just...be more forceful with yourself. If you're going to contradict yourself, do it for real or don't do it at all.

Opie · 01-11-2005, 03:59 PM

Is that any better? Check the original post...