I'm Done With You (RC)

DJ Kirby · 12-25-2004, 08:31 PM

Well, once again, I have another unfinished song for you to rate. I figure, it shows me if its worth finishing. This one I wrote Christmas Eve....well and Christmas since i stopped writing at about 1:00 AM. I don't know if I'll keep all the stuff in the same order and whatnot, I'll see later. And unlike Make Up Your Mind, I actually have the inspiration to finish this one

. I think it's pretty easy to figure out what the song is about and why i wrote it, but hey, enough of what I think. What do you think of this song?

I'm Done With You
verse 1
I can't believe this happened,
I just don't know what to say,
Because of the way I was disrespected,
And all the frustration you sent this way.

Chorus
All the times I was decieved by you,
All the times you lied,
All the times you said you loved me,
All the times I cried,
All these times mean nothing to me now,
Because of all the lies that came from your mouth,
You had your chance and you screwed up, we're through,
Bottom line: I'm done with you.

Verse 2
Merry Christmas, just in case your wondering when I wrote this,
Laura, thanks for your gift, it means alot to me,
All the hurt you gave me, I only got you a cd,
Tell me, was that your only Christmas wish?

Well that's it... so far. I really think this one is gonna get finished, for obvious reasons. Well, let me know what you think. And, as usual, I have a poll in this thread. Well, later.

Demon_Hunter · 12-26-2004, 02:01 PM

There really is no need for me to pick this song apart. The whole thing is awsome, it flows well. You keep the same idea in the whole song, and the chorus brings botht he verses together nicely.

I give this song a thumbs up!!

DJ Kirby · 12-26-2004, 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by demon_hunter

There really is no need for me to pick this song apart. The whole thing is awsome, it flows well. You keep the same idea in the whole song, and the chorus brings botht he verses together nicely.

I give this song a thumbs up!!

Thanks man. This one was very influenced as you can see... so i had a reason to strive to be good.

I still wonder what skeeter's gonna say. He's the one who kept tellin' me i had too many cliches. Seems you two are the only ones that actually rate and critique my work around here

. Don't worry i love you guys. best critics i ever had. honest, thoughtful, yet truthful at the same time. I appreciate your opinion for this song as t probably will appear on the first recording i do (which it probably will be done by me, for me). well later.

**Skeeter** · 12-26-2004, 08:45 PM

Well, since you mentioned me, I may as well RC it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ Kirby

I'm Done With You
verse 1
I can't believe this happened,
I just don't know what to say,
Because of the way I was disrespected,
And all the frustration you sent this way.

You have rhymed "say" with "way." Welcome to the songwriter club. It is required that every single songwriter use this horridly overused rhyme at least once in a song. This is your one time. Never do it again (unless you use it in a fantastic new way that has never been done before). Because there are so many long-a rhymes that are cliché I tend to avoid them at all costs. Just a tip.

Quote:

Chorus
All the times I was decieved by you,
All the times you lied,
All the times you said you loved me,
All the times I cried,

Oosh, there's another cliché rhyme, except you used them in past tense. "Lie" and "cry" are often rhymed together I find. In any case, these lines are pretty typical; nothing new being said here.

Quote:

All these times mean nothing to me now,
Because of all the lies that came from your mouth,

Not bad. Imperfect rhymes like the one you used here can be good, as they change things up and tend to be a lot less cliché, but be careful. Imperfect rhymes can trip up a song if they sound too different. I think this one is good though.

Quote:

You had your chance and you screwed up, we're through,
Bottom line: I'm done with you.

A little cliché, but I really think this last line could be a good hook, so you're forgiven.

Quote:

Verse 2
Merry Christmas, just in case your wondering when I wrote this,
Laura, thanks for your gift, it means alot to me,
All the hurt you gave me, I only got a cd,
Tell me, was that your only Christmas wish?

You've changed the rhyme scheme from the first verse: is that intentional?

The last song I critiqued of yours I said that it was too general and not specific enough; this one might have strayed too far in the other direction. It's not bad, and I love the internal rhyme in the first line, but you're being a little too specific in some ways. That may only be because this verse seems to come out of nowhere in comparison to the first verse and the chorus. Again, you're talking in generalities in the first verse and the chorus, then suddenly switching to a very specific example.

That said, I think this is the strongest part of the song. I think you should drop the first verse as it's pretty typical and too general (don't say "this" without telling us what "this" refers to) and make this the first verse. Then continue the story in the second verse. The chorus can stay the same as choruses are usually a bit more general than verses, but the first verse is doing nothing for you.

When you say "I only got a CD" are you saying that you received the CD or that you "got" the CD for her, as in that's what you gave her. If it's the latter, then that's a great line but you're going to have to be more clear. Even if you say "I only got you a CD", then it would make more sense. Or you could chang it to something that fits the rhythm a bit better.

In any case, this second verse shows a lot of potential. The next step is using imagery and metaphor to describe the specific situations you're writing about.

DJ Kirby · 12-26-2004, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Well, since you mentioned me, I may as well RC it.

You have rhymed "say" with "way." Welcome to the songwriter club. It is required that every single songwriter use this horridly overused rhyme at least once in a song. This is your one time. Never do it again (unless you use it in a fantastic new way that has never been done before). Because there are so many long-a rhymes that are cliché I tend to avoid them at all costs. Just a tip.

Oosh, there's another cliché rhyme, except you used them in past tense. "Lie" and "cry" are often rhymed together I find. In any case, these lines are pretty typical; nothing new being said here.

Not bad. Imperfect rhymes like the one you used here can be good, as they change things up and tend to be a lot less cliché, but be careful. Imperfect rhymes can trip up a song if they sound too different. I think this one is good though.

A little cliché, but I really think this last line could be a good hook, so you're forgiven.

You've changed the rhyme scheme from the first verse: is that intentional?

The last song I critiqued of yours I said that it was too general and not specific enough; this one might have strayed too far in the other direction. It's not bad, and I love the internal rhyme in the first line, but you're being a little too specific in some ways. That may only be because this verse seems to come out of nowhere in comparison to the first verse and the chorus. Again, you're talking in generalities in the first verse and the chorus, then suddenly switching to a very specific example.

That said, I think this is the strongest part of the song. I think you should drop the first verse as it's pretty typical and too general (don't say "this" without telling us what "this" refers to) and make this the first verse. Then continue the story in the second verse. The chorus can stay the same as choruses are usually a bit more general than verses, but the first verse is doing nothing for you.

When you say "I only got a CD" are you saying that you received the CD or that you "got" the CD for her, as in that's what you gave her. If it's the latter, then that's a great line but you're going to have to be more clear. Even if you say "I only got you a CD", then it would make more sense. Or you could chang it to something that fits the rhythm a bit better.

In any case, this second verse shows a lot of potential. The next step is using imagery and metaphor to describe the specific situations you're writing about.

Yeah, there was a "you" there in the 2nd verse, sorry. I forgot to type it. I changed it now so it should be better. And about the whole verse thing, like i said, i didnt know if i was gonna keep it in the same order and whatnot, i think i might switch these verses and maybe change 'em alittle bit, and i plan on adding a 3rd and 4th and a bridge. Thanks for your opinion. And just a reminder to everyone who reads this thread, don't forget the poll on the top. thanks again and later.

Demon_Hunter · 12-26-2004, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DJ Kirby

Yeah, there was a "you" there in the 2nd verse, sorry. I forgot to type it. I changed it now so it should be better. And about the whole verse thing, like i said, i didnt know if i was gonna keep it in the same order and whatnot, i think i might switch these verses and maybe change 'em alittle bit, and i plan on adding a 3rd and 4th and a bridge. Thanks for your opinion. And just a reminder to everyone who reads this thread, don't forget the poll on the top. thanks again and later.

I hope you post the extra 2 verses, and the bridge, id really enjoy getting to see/read them

DJ Kirby · 12-26-2004, 09:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by demon_hunter

I hope you post the extra 2 verses, and the bridge, id really enjoy getting to see/read them

yeah, i will. I'll get 'em done soon too. Thanks.

DJ Kirby · 12-27-2004, 08:27 PM

Well, it's done finally. I finished it last night around 1ish. Well, tell me what you think of the completed version. Thanks.

I'm Done With You
verse 1
I can't believe this happened,
I just don't know what to say,
Because of the way I was disrespected,
And all the frustration you sent this way.

Chorus
All the times I was decieved by you,
All the times you lied,
All the times you said you loved me,
All the times I cried,
All these times mean nothing to me now,
Because of all the lies that came from your mouth,
You had your chance and you screwed up, we're through,
Bottom line: I'm done with you.

Verse 2
Merry Christmas, just in case your wondering when I wrote this,
Laura, thanks for your gift, it means alot to me,
All the hurt you gave me, I only got you a cd,
Tell me, was that your only Christmas wish?

Chorus

Verse 3
Looking back on what we had,
I thought it wouldn't end this way,
At times I wonder if you ever really cared,
Did you love me or was that just a charade?

Chorus

Verse 4
So live your life and don't worry about me,
I was never your concern,
Now, why don't you just get up and leave?
For my love I gave to you, I got none in return.

Chorus

Bridge
I never really mattered to you, but you mattered to me,
Did you really have something for me or was that a dream?

Chorus

Ending
So what's your excuse now?
You left me feeling empty, used, and abandoned,
What's your excuse now?

Well that's it. Tell me what you think. I might cut some things but i want to hear what you have to say first. And was Skeeter joking or is that Songwriter's Club an actual club here?

I just wanna know. Thanks. later.

Demon_Hunter · 12-28-2004, 09:16 AM

Quote:

Verse 3
Looking back on what we had,
I thought it wouldn't end this way,
At times I wonder if you ever really cared,
Did you love me or was that just a charade?

nice, love this verse

.

Quote:

Verse 4
So live your life and don't worry about me,
I was never your concern,
Now, why don't you just get up and leave?
For my love I gave to you I got none in return.

I really like the first 3 lines.

edit: ahh, ok. just put a comma after you, that solves the problem.

Quote:

Bridge
I never really mattered to you, but you mattered to me,
Did you really have something for me or was that a dream?

i like this, its really kool

Quote:

Ending
So what's your excuse this time?
You left me feeling empty, used, and abandoned,
What's your excuse now?

Good idea, but really doesnt flow well. and besides, for most of the song you sing like this is a one time event. and in the first line here you sudgest that this has happened many times before with this same girl. You have introduced two conflicting ideas.

you could change "this time" to "now", or "for me now". that way it keeps the same idea that the song has already begun. Or you could go back and edit the whole rest of the song to match the outro.

Quote:

Well that's it. Tell me what you think. I might cut some things but i want to hear what you have to say first. And was Skeeter joking or is that Songwriter's Club an actual club here?

I just wanna know. Thanks. later.

I dont know about any songwriting club.

skeeter, what were you talking about?

oh yeah, Thumbs up for the full version of "Im Done with You".

DJ Kirby · 12-28-2004, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by demon_hunter

nice, love this verse

.

I really like the first 3 lines.

edit: ahh, ok. just put a comma after you, that solves the problem.

i like this, its really kool

Good idea, but really doesnt flow well. and besides, for most of the song you sing like this is a one time event. and in the first line here you sudgest that this has happened many times before with this same girl. You have introduced two conflicting ideas.

you could change "this time" to "now", or "for me now". that way it keeps the same idea that the song has already begun. Or you could go back and edit the whole rest of the song to match the outro.

I dont know about any songwriting club.

skeeter, what were you talking about?

oh yeah, Thumbs up for the full version of "Im Done with You".

Thanks. Appreciate it. and about the outro, the first line was originally "What's your excuse now?", i just changed it cause i thought it might make it a little more interesting. Guess it made it more confusing. And, yeah, this stuff has happened before but its been building up to the point were i had to just let her go. If you want more of an insight on the situation my blog may explain it a little better. Hey and thanks again. later.

**Skeeter** · 12-28-2004, 11:00 PM

I meant "welcome to the club" in the sense that you had just done something that every single songwriter before you had done. That's not really a good thing, but your songwriting will mature. I don't really have the time to fully critique the rest of the song, but again there's a lot of typical material in your songwriting. Don't worry about that, it takes time to develop your own unique style. I'm not there yet. Keep progressing in your writing.

DJ Kirby · 12-29-2004, 08:26 PM

ooohhh... ok. sorry im a little slow. Yeah, i know what you mean, but i mean, it cant be that bad, my song writing i mean. But hey, I'm not a professional or dont claim to be. I'm lucky if i can claim to be an amateur at songwriting. But i guess we'll let the public decide that. That's if i can get a band together (all i really need is a drummer, and another guitarist and a bassist that i know can sing) and get the music written. well, that just my illusions of grandeur. thanks though. later.