[DJ Kirby]

It's not done but i just wanna see what people think of it... I started writing it at about 1 in the morning a few days ago...

verse 1
You know what I'm gonna say,
On this blue-skied, perfect, ugly day,
This has gone on for too long,
Can you please tell me what I did wrong?

verse 2
Why won't you make up your mind?
Soon enough, I think you will find,
That when you play with people's hearts someone's gonna get hurt,
And I don't think this is gonna work.

Chorus
What I need to say is...
I know this will be tough and know that I love you,
And I've had enough, why don't you walk in my shoes?
See what you put me through, saying that you love me,
Why can't you just make up your mind, is it gonna be me or Tony?

Well that's it so far... I still have to finish it... tell me what you think...later.

[Demon_Hunter]

Originally Posted by DJ Kirby

It's not done but i just wanna see what people think of it... I started writing it at about 1 in the morning a few days ago...

wow, 1 in the morning?

verse 1

hmmm, so far so good, but this part of the song is a little bland . sorry, ok im gonna be for real now

You know what I'm gonna say,
On this blue-skied, perfect, ugly day,
This has gone on for too long,
Can you please tell me what I did wrong?

Seems ok, no real complaints about it. Tho it feels like its lacking something, what, i dont know. But for now, ill just say its lacking something.

Edit: Feeling. This is lacking feeling. And its not exactly orignal. The lyrics remind me of a weird mix between saliva, and seether lyrics.

Why won't you make up your mind?
Soon enough, I think you will find,
That when you play with people's hearts someone's gonna get hurt,

ehh, its ok, i dont really have any complaint.

And I don't think this is gonna work.

There is nothing connecting this idea to the previous line.

Chorus
What I need to say is...
I know this will be tough and know that I love you,
And I've had enough, why don't you walk in my shoes?

Kinda cliche'd i think. So many songs talk about walking in other peoples shoes.

See what you put me through, saying that you love me,
Why can't you just make up your mind, is it gonna be me or Tony?

Tho there is only one idea expressed in this part of the chorus, it still seems disjointed. I dont know why, but it does.

Well that's it so far... I still have to finish it... tell me what you think...later.

I look forward to reading the finished version of this song. Other then the things i pointed out, i like this song.

But it doesnt seem to flow very well, and that really is the problem. That and some cliche'd lyrics here and there.

[Skeeter]

I declare today the day of excessive RCing! I'm feeling harsh today...

Originally Posted by DJ Kirby

It's not done but i just wanna see what people think of it... I started writing it at about 1 in the morning a few days ago...

Good time to write a song. Seriously.

verse 1
You know what I'm gonna say,
On this blue-skied, perfect, ugly day,

Argh! Say/day is one of the most overused rhymes in songwriting. I like how you've got the oxymoronical blue skies on an ugly day, but Five Iron Frenzy already did it on "Ugly Day" (ugly day/sun is shining/every cloud's got a silver lining/ugly day/skies are blue, now everyday is ugly without you) so you need a new way to say this I think. Actually, don't use the fact that FiF already did it as a reason to change it; the only reason you need is that it's cliché. Change up the wording to get rid of that ugly overused rhyme.

This has gone on for too long,
Can you please tell me what I did wrong?

Again, cliché, but not as bad as say/day. These two lines are okay, but they're kinda bland.

verse 2
Why won't you make up your mind?
Soon enough, I think you will find,

Once again, this is a cliché. To me it looks like you're struggling for words because of how wordy you're being. The lines have so many one-syllable words that are just taking up space. The second line is really only saying "you will find" but you need to insert "once again, I think..." to make the line long enough. Think up something new and different; let your unique voice speak through the lyrics!

That when you play with people's hearts someone's gonna get hurt,
And I don't think this is gonna work.

I like this a little more. Probably because you didn't struggle for a rhyme and simply said what you were feeling. Unfortunately, the first two lines are simply two clichés stuck together. Word for word. I like how the one line is longer and sticks out as you could do something fun with the music there, but you need to cut out the clichés. You're a unique person with unique experiences: use unique phrases! Draw from your experience and be specific. Don't speak in generalities.

Chorus
What I need to say is...
I know this will be tough and know that I love you,
And I've had enough, why don't you walk in my shoes?

There must be a better way to say what you're thinking than resorting to the cliché "walk in my shoes."

See what you put me through, saying that you love me,
Why can't you just make up your mind, is it gonna be me or Tony?

Aha! Now we've got something interesting! We're getting a little piece of the specifics of your situation here with the last line. Why is it just coming up now? Why do you speak so generally in the verses than are suddenly specific in the last line of the chorus? If this is a song about a girl making up her mind between you and some chump, let us know that! Don't wait until the last line of the chorus to let us know what the song is about. Work that into the verses, be specific, and lose the clichés and you will have a much stronger song.

[Demon_Hunter]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

I declare today the day of excessive RCing! I'm feeling harsh today...

I think i was to harsh 2 nights ago with my rc of that one guys song. hope i wasnt this time

Why is it just coming up now? Why do you speak so generally in the verses than are suddenly specific in the last line of the chorus? If this is a song about a girl making up her mind between you and some chump, let us know that! Don't wait until the last line of the chorus to let us know what the song is about. Work that into the verses, be specific, and lose the clichés and you will have a much stronger song.

now that you pointed it out, thats what made the line seem disjointed. Cause the whole song he is speaking very generally, and now he gets specific. It kinda sets it off from the song.

[DJ Kirby]

Originally Posted by demon_hunter

wow, 1 in the morning?



hmmm, so far so good, but this part of the song is a little bland . sorry, ok im gonna be for real now



Seems ok, no real complaints about it. Tho it feels like its lacking something, what, i dont know. But for now, ill just say its lacking something.

Edit: Feeling. This is lacking feeling. And its not exactly orignal. The lyrics remind me of a weird mix between saliva, and seether lyrics.



ehh, its ok, i dont really have any complaint.



There is nothing connecting this idea to the previous line.



Kinda cliche'd i think. So many songs talk about walking in other peoples shoes.



Tho there is only one idea expressed in this part of the chorus, it still seems disjointed. I dont know why, but it does.



I look forward to reading the finished version of this song. Other then the things i pointed out, i like this song.

But it doesnt seem to flow very well, and that really is the problem. That and some cliche'd lyrics here and there.

Saliva and seether??? never heard of 'em. sorry. lacks feeling??? maybe. I tried to put as much feeling as i could into it, but then again, it was 1 AM and i was p/o and tired. I am gonna work on it more though, I know it seems simple. I'll try to work on it as soon as i can. If you find the reason you think the chorus disjointed, let me know, I want to fix that. Thanks for your opinion.

[DJ Kirby]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

I declare today the day of excessive RCing! I'm feeling harsh today...


Good time to write a song. Seriously.

Argh! Say/day is one of the most overused rhymes in songwriting. I like how you've got the oxymoronical blue skies on an ugly day, but Five Iron Frenzy already did it on "Ugly Day" (ugly day/sun is shining/every cloud's got a silver lining/ugly day/skies are blue, now everyday is ugly without you) so you need a new way to say this I think. Actually, don't use the fact that FiF already did it as a reason to change it; the only reason you need is that it's cliché. Change up the wording to get rid of that ugly overused rhyme.

Again, cliché, but not as bad as say/day. These two lines are okay, but they're kinda bland.

Once again, this is a cliché. To me it looks like you're struggling for words because of how wordy you're being. The lines have so many one-syllable words that are just taking up space. The second line is really only saying "you will find" but you need to insert "once again, I think..." to make the line long enough. Think up something new and different; let your unique voice speak through the lyrics!

I like this a little more. Probably because you didn't struggle for a rhyme and simply said what you were feeling. Unfortunately, the first two lines are simply two clichés stuck together. Word for word. I like how the one line is longer and sticks out as you could do something fun with the music there, but you need to cut out the clichés. You're a unique person with unique experiences: use unique phrases! Draw from your experience and be specific. Don't speak in generalities.

There must be a better way to say what you're thinking than resorting to the cliché "walk in my shoes."

Aha! Now we've got something interesting! We're getting a little piece of the specifics of your situation here with the last line. Why is it just coming up now? Why do you speak so generally in the verses than are suddenly specific in the last line of the chorus? If this is a song about a girl making up her mind between you and some chump, let us know that! Don't wait until the last line of the chorus to let us know what the song is about. Work that into the verses, be specific, and lose the clichés and you will have a much stronger song.

Thanks man. I liked what you wrote here. You guys keep talking about cliche's... i know what you are talking about being to wordy, or really too picky with the words... I do that unitentionally because i dont want the song not to make sense or ryhme at all, but i suppose its ok if a few lines dont really ryhme, Ben Folds Five does it all the time... then again....there not that good. FiF's ugly day??? maybe i did get the idea from there. I think i've heard that song before. I guess i thought it might add a little flavor to the song. I suppose the idea was imbedded in the back of my mind. I'll change that then if its too similar. I think what i meant by it and what they meant by it are a little different. Still, I'll try to find a different line i can use there. Specifics....hmmmm.....why did it come out there.....i dont know....probably that's when i felt the most frustration. Thanks for your tips, and if anyone wants to give me anymore tips, post here, pm me, email me, or im me. I'm probably gonna work on it now. Thanks. Later.

[DJ Kirby]

Originally Posted by demon_hunter

I think i was to harsh 2 nights ago with my rc of that one guys song. hope i wasnt this time

nah, you werent. you were very helpful, actually.

now that you pointed it out, thats what made the line seem disjointed. Cause the whole song he is speaking very generally, and now he gets specific. It kinda sets it off from the song.

Noted. I'll fix it.

[Demon_Hunter]

Originally Posted by DJ Kirby

Saliva and seether??? never heard of 'em. sorry. lacks feeling??? .

I was wrong about saying it lacked feeling, there is definately some feelings expressed in those lyrics, but i still say it sounded like saliva/seether lyrics.

They are very well known for writing songs about their girlfriends leaving them, and how sad they are, and how they want them to make up their minds, and stop playing games. Mainly i made that comparison cause i had just heard a saliva song, and then when i read that verse it seemed so close to the same thing said in the saliva song. Plus some seether songs have a very similar message.

[DJ Kirby]

Originally Posted by demon_hunter

I was wrong about saying it lacked feeling, there is definately some feelings expressed in those lyrics, but i still say it sounded like saliva/seether lyrics.

They are very well known for writing songs about their girlfriends leaving them, and how sad they are, and how they want them to make up their minds, and stop playing games. Mainly i made that comparison cause i had just heard a saliva song, and then when i read that verse it seemed so close to the same thing said in the saliva song. Plus some seether songs have a very similar message.

Yeah, that happens sometimes. A lot of bands i know of have the same exact message in one of their songs as another band does. But seriously, you mentioning the thing with saliva and seether, first time i've ever heard of them. Are they christian or secular? What kind of music do they play? Well as long as there's feeling coming from this song, I know it still has a chance at being at least something. Later.