[redbaron]

This is post part one of a two part. I haven't had time today to finish it, so part two will come a bit later.

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Well, given that this is the first visit to my quasi-blog that many of you have made, I say welcome, and allow me to introduce myself (no mattslope, that's not quoting the intro of a Keoki song).

I'm not exactly new to blogging, or web logging, or journaling, as they have been called over the years. Some of you may actually be old enough to remember scribble.nu, yep, I was there, I was at livejournal (I keep a very infrequently updated, nearly 100% private journal there), in addition to my own web presence (bloviate.net)

I'm something of a different person now than I have been in the past, but that's ok. I'm changing, so is everyone else. We all change differently. Am I as "good" of a person as I used to be? In many ways, if I look at things honestly, I would say no. I'm not as innocent, not as trusting, less optimistic, more cynical, less hopeful, and more jaded. Am I less honest? No, I’d like to believe that I’m at a point where that is not the case. Over the years my integrity and honesty have come up time and again, and I am always striving to do what's right, even if it doesn't seem to matter to anyone. For instance at a restaurant the other night I got the wrong check. I could've paid the $20 check I was given, rather than the $60+ tip check that I deserved. Some of those with me would have no problem with saying "it's the waiters fault" paying the cheaper one, and leaving with a clean conscience. As I’ve grown older, I’ve begun to realize that I cannot do that. There are many things that people say "well, people just do 'x' 'y' & 'z' and there's nothing you can do to stop that". I'm not sure I believe that entirely. Perhaps its mental conditioning, perhaps I’m one of those strong willed, partially type A personalities. There are some things that I cannot do, whether I want to or not because my mind will not allow me to do so.

I've also allowed myself to develop a really healthy sense of self-guilt tripping. I find that this is very helpful in being able to do the right thing, many times for the wrong reasons. For instance, a good reason to return a lost item is so that the person who lost it isn't sad, or hurt by its loss. However sometimes my primary reason might be "so I don't feel bad or guilty". It's really not the right reason, but it's the right end. Does that make it right? From my study of the scripture, the answer I can come up with most of the time is "no". I tend to then feel convicted for that, and then, you guessed it, feel guilty about it.

I am my own harshest critic. I may say something to a friend, acquaintance or co-worker that I regret. I may realize, apologize, and ask forgiveness. It is meant sincerely and I am forgiven by them. However, it might be years, or even tens of years down the line and I still remember the wrong. I still kick myself for it. I can't let anything go. It's not my nature.

If I let something go, it's like a sign that it didn't matter, a sign that I can forget. Something that didn't matter, that can be forgotten can be repeated can't it? I spend most of my time now thinking about what I should say or do so that I don't end up repeating a zillion different things that I’ve done in the past that were wrong or hurtful or whatever.

A friend here at CGR (perhaps it was mattslope) said something about "how can we follow the commandment of Christ 'Love your neighbor as yourself' and yet hate ourselves? Does that really help us to love them?"

I've spent some time pondering this. As it turns out, I'm not a big fan of the self. This means that when someone does something and I should be loving them, I have to think about it instead of thinking "how would I like this to be righted/etc". I can't do that because I too often think "well, obviously, I would have deserved that."

Oh, let's not forget that my feelings on that issue depend on my mood at the time. I come from a long line of people with brain chemistry imbalances. Some of them are on the "better living through chemistry" plan. Some of them using a doctor's plan, and some of them are self-medicating. I am non-medicating.

I've always been a big proponent of "control it until it controls you" but then I have to start wondering, what do I mean by that? Do I mean "wait until you have no control over your life" or do I mean "wait until you can't control major parts of life" or even "wait for the minor parts to be out of control".

[mattslope]

Dang! Redbaron, you are deeper than I. Jerk.

Good post. I have questions from it:

Do you feel that you must learn to love yourself to love others or can you learn to love yourself by loving others?

Does a "brain chemical imbalance" hinder you where it shouldn't? Could you hide behind it in fear that the label itself limits you?

Why don't you like the names "Andy" or "Anderino"?

[Mattlock]

Do you know MattSlope personally?

I know you from the Guitar/Amps/Effects forums. You have given me good advice. Thank you.

If you want prayer, I'll pray for you.

[mattslope]

Originally Posted by Mattlock

Do you know MattSlope personally?

Yes. He knew me back when I was skinny and fun.

[redbaron]

Originally Posted by Mattlock

Do you know MattSlope personally?

I know you from the Guitar/Amps/Effects forums. You have given me good advice. Thank you.

If you want prayer, I'll pray for you.

prayer is always appreciated. I don't think anyone alive is in a place where they can't use at least a little bit, myself included.

I'm glad some of the advice i've given you has helped out. Oh, and i've known Matt since probably 1995-1996. I'm not exactly sure when we met.

[redbaron]

Originally Posted by mattslope

Dang! Redbaron, you are deeper than I. Jerk.

Good post. I have questions from it:

Do you feel that you must learn to love yourself to love others or can you learn to love yourself by loving others?

I don't think that the first is necessary, though it seems helpful. I'm not sure about the learning to love self either.

I've always been a very empathetic person, I can't see someone hurt, and not feel for them. Sometimes to the point where i wonder if i am feeling it for them. I swear, every time my mom bumped her foot (in the cast) it felt like someone had really lightly sucker-punched me. just for an example.

in the kiersey personality test, i come out as an INFJ which is counselor idealist... Apparently it's quite dominated by sensing & intuition, which is a very interesting thing. If you go to http://bloviate.net there's some more info on that, if you're interested in reading it.

[quote]
Does a "brain chemical imbalance" hinder you where it shouldn't? Could you hide behind it in fear that the label itself limits you?
/quote]

I don't think so. because i'm not formally diagnosed, i don't technically have any disorders. I mean sure, i may exhibit bipolar symptoms, and i may be able to observe myself become manic because someone else's mania is manifesting itself and they feed eachother. Or perhaps it's the OCD (and accompanying guilt for not being as neat and clean as i should be). I don't know, you've seen my place lately. It's not terrible, but it's not up to "andrew standards".

Why don't you like the names "Andy" or "Anderino"?

I've never been called anderino. Is that like el duderino?

As for andy, i do like being called that. However, there are criterion for being allowed to call me andy:

1) You are in fact my grandpa, who's name is Andy
2) You are in fact a beautiful woman who i am currently dating
3) You are my sister and attempting to annoy me. (i mean, you can't kill your own sister).

If you don't meet those criterion, it's patently unwise.

[redbaron]

oh, by the way, I am coming up with Part Two to my original post (instead of these small tidbits) however i'm pretty sick today so i'm going to go hit the hay for a while.

[mattslope]

Originally Posted by redbaron

oh, by the way, I am coming up with Part Two to my original post (instead of these small tidbits) however i'm pretty sick today so i'm going to go hit the hay for a while.

Get healthy soon, andy. *runs and hides from andrewlio's wrath*

[bus faucet]

...6 days later...

[mattslope]

Andrew, how is life as a employed person treating you?

[Akshay]

hello

[Ordinary Sarah]

That is a SWEEEET blog title. And username. Why didn't I think of it?? Sheesh....

[redbaron]

I am actually typing up part two as we speak. It has a slightly different tone than part one. Perhaps once it's done i can update more, because I don't have a massive update hanging over my head.

Sarah: Thanks for the kudo's. The blog title... well, let's just say that it stems from my love of peanuts (i got 2nd prize as a lookalike of linus when i was six), and the fact that i like planes & history.)

This nickname is my old standard, that i don't use as much anymore. It got taken at too many places, so most everywhere else I'm known as "Slugsgomoo" (Slugs Go Moo- get it?) It's an old inside joke that i take no joy in explaining, so you make up your own meaning. :P

Akshay- good to see you around again man.

Matt- work sucks most of the time. I was doing my devotions in the projector room last night and fell asleep, so i was majorly late for work this morning.

Oh, and i've got your DVD's here, sorry. We'll have to hook up this week, as i have DVD's & Cashola for you.

[mattslope]

I have empty pockets and DVD players...

[redbaron]

So this is supposed to be part deux of the first post. Please don't flame, i didn't do a read-pass on it. :P

I suppose I could get started by talking about the recent circumstances in my life, and why I’m here where I am. Or perhaps not. Perhaps I should just start talking, and randomly get to the original point, that I never even alluded to in the first post. If that makes any sense.

This past Friday, my friend Godfather got married. This is both good and bad, and normal and weird. It’s normal, because that’s the thing people do when they’re dating, and they like each-other. However it’s weird because I’ve been friends with him long enough to think it’s at least a bit weird that he has a “wife” and stuff. It’s good, because he’s happy. It’s bad because it’s different and I fear change. Ah well.

It really was a good wedding though, which is something- since I’m not a huge fan of the knot tying ceremony myself. The kids in the ceremony were well behaved, everyone looked great, things went off without a hitch, etc.

It is kind of depressing though, as I remain in the ever dwindling ranks of unmarried people, as they join the ranks of everyone else. It seems like a majority of the people I know are married, getting married, thinking about getting married, or at least want to get married. Well. It’s different. Perhaps I’m feeling that I’m older, or something else. I’ve always been “old for my age” and this is just another thing that seems to point that out to me.

I’ve always had a problem with my particular age group. They don’t do things the way I think of doing them, they don’t like what I like. I’ve always hung out with people a bit older, to a lot older than myself. I guess that for a while, I was a kid, but in my early teens I got a crash course in “growing up really fast.” That kind of stuck with me.

In the time period of 12-16 I lost my pastor, who was the first adult to treat me as an adult, rather than a kid, my grandfather (mom’s side) and ended up working 2 ½ jobs because money was tight when the economy crashed.

I guess things like that cause you to see things in a different perspective, but I can’t really see that those things were the initial point of where I started being a “different” person than everyone else. At dinner parties I never wanted to hang out at the kids table and goof around, I’d rather sit with the adults and listen, absorb, and respond if possible. My mom said that she once read that if you talked to your baby, they would learn how to develop good vocabulary skills, and be able to talk sooner. She once said that she at least regretted the decision to follow that advice at least a little bit. I did turn into quite a conversationalist.

The odd thing about that, is that I don’t really talk about myself on any real level to anyone. Most of my friends know me on a relatively superficial level, most “friends” are more like acquaintances, and there is a very small circle that I consider my true friends. They’re the ones that I’m liable to hang out with, and actually talk about something meaningful with. If you see where I’m coming from, and understand what I’m saying.

As such, while I’m a very outgoing person, if you run into me on the street, or at church, you might get the wrong impression, and think that I’m an extroverted person. The interesting thing there, is that nothing could be furthest from the truth. My personality type is “INFJ” which is described here.

I realized, that this is my single biggest obstacle, when I relate to the fairer gender. My only real experience is either with “buddies” in a way that does not exactly provoke a “let’s be serious & romantic” or just not at all. Is this because I’m shy? Is it because the last girl I loved was dishonest & hurtful? Is it that I’m too afraid to go through that agony again, or is it just that I’m too afraid to put my pride on the line and ask?

Anyhow. I’m sitting here realizing something. I broke up with my girlfriend in the second week of September 2000. It’s just now January 4, 2005. I had a four year anniversary of not going on a date. I will not repeat that this year.

It isn’t so much that I want to go out and simply prove that I can ask, and go, regardless of commitment, because I’m not that type. However, I am at the point where I don’t feel burdened by the previous experience, my heart feels free(er), and I’m ready to love again. I feel the drive to be at least ready to look for the one that God has for me, in a way that I haven’t before.

This brings me to my next point, which I don’t have a number for. In fact, I don’t think I kept track. Regardless, I do know a girl that I like. She has some similar interests, some similar thoughts, but is different enough from the stereotypical female that she’s interesting to me. (I being a non-stereotypical male, do not get along well with stereotypical females).

I’m just at that point that it seems I should be at- if I were still in 10th grade. The “does she like me?” and wondering how I can find out before I go out there and risk things.

The number one greatest fear that I have, in all of this is not the fear of rejection, though that is a real fear; the real fear is that I might go about this in a way that it ruins a multi-year friendship. I’m not convinced that it’s something I can do anything about or guarantee. I do not like probability, chance, or risk. I like defining a course that I can be certain of, and proceeding along to a pre-determined destination.

Anyhow, it’s 2:30am, and I’m just prattling on. I’m going to call this good, and I can proceed from new in the future. Or something like that. Motivation would be a good thing to sell in jars at Albertsons.