[Becky]

My dad and I have been searching for this song ever since I was like, what, 13? and thanks to something said in Lee's blog, I have finally found it!!

YouTube - Four Feet Eleven

I have singing the chorus to this song for a very long time

did I mention I am 4'11"?

[Becky]

I'm compiling a list of things God has said to me directly, or through other people. Part of that list, is about who God says I am:

1. Bold, Courageous, Lioness
2. a kite flying over water
3. Loyal
4. I'm the type of person who makes friends for life.
5. I'm a missionary in training

I was prophesied over when I was a baby. No one wrote it down, but we have a sense about it. I know when I find my direction, it will involve caring for people, possibly healing. At the time, my mom believed it meant I'd become a nurse.

When I was 10, it was prophesied that God wanted to use me to reach many many people who are lost and lead them to Jesus. I was also given a warning. A warning about doing things in the pattern, possibly a connection with following people instead of seeking God.


I've been thinking about #4 a LOT. It seams to be a key factor in my life.

[Becky]

I'm in a house church with my family again. My house. It's been amazing. I feel like i'm respected, and its the one place I can come and my words are not only respected, but valued. Today we had another family decide to commit to us. They are somewhat Calvinistic, but they believe that God speaks to us today through the Holy Spirit.. so their version of Calvinism plays no role in their actions as far as differences between us go. I am really excited. He's ethnically jewish, and has an insite that I love..

We just finished talking about First John. I LOVE the book of First John.

Last night was halloween. This time, I really really wanted to participate. I bought candy, dressed up.. and waited for the... 5 five tricker-treaters that came to my door. how disappointing!!

[walkwjc]

We didn't have any trick or treaters come to our door. I wasn't home for the event, but it was so.

The house church sounds pretty cool. We are currently in a home church with another couple while we sort through some theological stuff and look for another fellowship to plug into.

[Tony]

My doorbell rang 4 times. Maybe 12 kids total. I was giving out fist-fulls of candy, just to get rid of the stuff. I took the rest of the giant bag to work today.

[Becky]

Yea, I haven't even thought about how to get rid of the left overs yet!

[walkwjc]

Originally Posted by Becky

Yea, I haven't even thought about how to get rid of the left overs yet!

Oh, I've thought about the leftovers already.

[Becky]

LOL!

[Becky]

This semester has been interesting.

3 girls in Chi Alpha lost a parent this year, another friend of mine is losing a parent in another way (cheating).

I told my pastors maybe i was just depressed for attention, they decided that was the problem, decided the cure was for me to stop opening up to people. at first it was: just don't open up to people at all, anyone. Then it was, just ask people for prayer but don't tell them anything else, ever. NOW as of yesterday its - tell them the story that we've determined is the key problem (i.e. attention isn't the key problem), but don't tell anyone about any of the symptoms you're having. (symptoms = wanting to harm self, feeling badly, depressed, crying, hurting, scared, thrashing, etc).

Nothing is consistent this semester in my activities. Chi Alpha moves from location to location every week. Nothing else has structure or consistency. I panic whenever structure is lost... and this semester has been structureless.

I'm failing one of my classes out right. I think I'm managing to maintain a D in one class, and praying I keep at a C or higher in the other two.

Things with Gavin have been messy. I stop talking to him, then talk to him, then stop again... its crazy, but then I don't know what else to do.

[Becky]

Exactly two weeks ago, I was talking to one of my campus pastors (let's call him Logic guy). H was asking me to walk down memory lane, to see if we could identify a spiritual/psychological reason for my thrashing. Of course, the topic of my x-youth pastor from when I was 14 years old came up. The conversation was fine, I just talked about it in a matter of fact sort of way. Then he said that what my youth pastor did made sense, because one person isn't worth sacrificing the health of the church.

My emotions erupted. I almost hit the table as I shouted "No! I.. i would have been worth it!" i WAS WORTH IT.

The cat was out of the bag. I had finally said it. After 10 years, I finally admitted that what they did to me was wrong, they shouldn't have done it. More importantly, the REASON it was wrong, is because I WAS THE MORE VALUABLE CHOICE.

Everyone involved had the right to choose what would be best for themselves, but I am worth people choosing differently.

Part o me feels so prideful saying that. I use to stuff it down and harm myself whenever such a thought would come out. Its too late now. Its out in the open, and I can't hide it anymore. People who choose to hurt me, do it because they are ignorant about how valuable I am.

In heaven, God's going to be walking on Gold, but He's going to be talking to me.

In heaven precious stones are going to serve as common wall paper, but I'm going to have a seat at God's dinner table.

God has devoted almost 25 years to designing me, but he only took 6 days to create the world.

I am valuable. I matter. I have worth and I have purpose. God has devote time and energy into my life. more than 2000 years ago God made an investment on my soul, He invested His own blood in the hopes that in return He would receive my love.

I have worth, I have value. It is not found in how anyone here on earth sees me, because they do not know me like God knows me. They cannot see what He sees in me. So why should I base my life on what they think? I shouldn't, I wont.

My other pastor has been been telling me things lately, that I am beginning to see as false. I don't blame him for thinking the way he does... but I am wondering if perhaps his advice to me has been dangerous?

Imagine that you are driving and the person in the passenger seat is directing you. You are at an intersection and the light is green, your passenger yells at you to go, but they don't see that a car is about to run the red light. The direction isn't necessarily wrong... but its timing is.

Shane is convinced that all of my problems are centered on unforgivness, and that all I need to do is forgive them, and I will be better. The problem with this? Every time I forgive, I let go, and every time I let go... the lies in my thinking get pushed farther and farther down.

You see, there is an astronomical difference between bitterness, and forcing yourself to believe that everything bad happened because you are worthless. Because of this, any time I let myself feel that I had been wrong, it came out sounding like bitterness.

Its like any type of pressure. When you have a water hose on high and you put your finger over half of the nosle, the water that comes out the other half comes out stronger. If you label that as unforgiveness, you could be seriously causing damage. Labeling it as unforgiveness can add to the persons suppression of the event.

Especially when a person is taught that even mentioning a painful experiance means you haven't forgiven people involved.

To be honest, the best thing anyone could have done for me would have been to listen to what happened, give me a hug, and tell me "It was not your fault, what they did was wrong, and they should have cared about you more."

IT IS OKAY to look at a sitiation and say "THIS WAS WRONG"
IT IS OKAY to look at people and say "WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG"
and it is okay, to remember what happened, and remember how it changed you, and to admit that the people involved were responsible for who you became.

We discussed this in journalism class. There are people who will kill themselves because of something a journalist wrote. Should the journalist not have written it? No, but does that mean that the journalist can wipe their hands and say they are not responsible for whatever happens after they write? NO! When you separate yourself from responsibility you are more likely to do more unnecessary damage.

With every article you must ask yourself, is the information worth the damage? Is doing this activity worth the damage that this will case to that person?

We ARE responsible for the way we effect those around us.

Now that I know that... Now that I can stand and say, yes... my parents, my friends, my pastor, my youth pastor, were all to blame for this event. They hurt me, and they shouldn't have. I was worth more than that. BUT, I forgive them anyways.

Now my saying I forgive them has merit. Now my saying I forgive them means something.

I saw my counselor this morning and he was really proud of the progress I've made.

[BillSPrestonEsq]

That is really encouraging.