Leaving The Mediocre behind (RC)

Mattlock · 12-08-2004, 07:28 PM

New song!!!

Leaving The Mediocre Behind.

We'll watch the bravest shrink back
And the greatest speakers of our day
Stumble over their words and phrases
And tonight, as the stars take their place
And the brisk wind blows around the trees
The strongest will surrender to us

And finally we will know
What it is to be the greatest
And what it is the be the least
And maybe, we'll leave the mediocre behind

I'll let you know now
It feels great to lead the bravest
Test the greatest, scar the strongest
Yet still be the least, under everyone else.

Wake up oh sleeper, watch the stars
Take their place in the dark sky
The night we left the mediocre behind

Please be honest with your RC.

Mattlock · 12-10-2004, 03:19 PM

Can you guys please RC? Thanks.

Josh · 12-10-2004, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skilletswitch

We'll watch the bravest shrink back
And the greatest speakers of our day
Stumble over their words and phrases
And tonight, as the stars take their place
And the brisk wind blows around the trees
The strongest will surrender to us.

You've got some nice words here... the two halves don't seem to connect though. I'm not sure what you're trying to say at all. It seems like they are two separate ideas.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skilletswitch

And finally we will know
What it is to be the greatest
And what it is the be the least
And maybe, we'll leave the mediocre behind.

The last line is a clever thought... but you haven't developed it enough. It seems like you thought up the last line, but then didn't try very hard on the first three at all. I think you can develop the idea more. What is the "mediocre" anyway? You haven't really identified it yet.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skilletswitch

I'll let you know now
It feels great to lead the bravest
Test the greatest, scar the strongest
Yet still be the least, under everyone else.

This is okay... I still don't know what you're talking about. You've sort of lost the nice words that you had in the first verse... this doesn't catch my attention, and feels a bit clumsy, especially the last line.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skilletswitch

Wake up oh sleeper, watch the stars
Take their place in the dark sky
The night we left the mediocre behind.

This is better.

My main complaint is that I have no idea what you're talking about.

Josh.

Mattlock · 12-10-2004, 10:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Josh

You've got some nice words here... the two halves don't seem to connect though. I'm not sure what you're trying to say at all. It seems like they are two separate ideas.

Thanks! I definatley understand you here...

Quote:

The last line is a clever thought... but you haven't developed it enough. It seems like you thought up the last line, but then didn't try very hard on the first three at all. I think you can develop the idea more. What is the "mediocre" anyway? You haven't really identified it yet.

Thanks. I definatley need to redo the chorus. I don't like it that much. Except for the last line.

Quote:

This is okay... I still don't know what you're talking about. You've sort of lost the nice words that you had in the first verse... this doesn't catch my attention, and feels a bit clumsy, especially the last line.

I'll redo this one too.

Quote:

This is better.

OK, thanks. Should I change it any?

Quote:

My main complaint is that I have no idea what you're talking about.

Josh.

Really? Good.

I'll see what I can do with it. Thanks for the RC.

Mattlock · 12-21-2004, 10:36 AM

I've finally revised it. I'm very happy with it now.

Leaving The Mediocre Behind

We'll watch the bravest shrink back
And the greatest speakers of our day
Stumble over their words and phrases
We'll watch stragglers make their comeback
A sweet victory for the weakest
Oh how wonderful it will be

Oh how wonderful it would be
If we knew what risk was
If we knew what revolution could accomplish
If we left the mediocre behind

Tonight, unconditional surrender
From all the the world has held in high regards
To the crippled, the handicapped
To all of the weakest
And all of us outcasts
Is all that shall be desired

Wake up oh sleep, watch the stars
Take their place in the in the sky
The night we left the mediocre behind

Demon_Hunter · 12-21-2004, 02:52 PM

I really dont have much to say, accept i like the revision alot better. Flows smoother, and seems alot clearer then the original. Really good lyrics

Mattlock · 12-21-2004, 08:08 PM

Thanks Andrew. Of course the revision is better. That's the whole point.

emo_boy · 12-22-2004, 12:12 PM

Good song. I'm not going to RC it because I pretty much agree with what Josh said in his, and you've really improved the song.
What kind of music is it?

Mattlock · 12-22-2004, 12:22 PM

Thanks!

It's sort of what most people call "emo" nowadays, I guess. It's hard to describe your own songs. We worked on it at band practice yesterday. I might have clips soon.

**Skeeter** · 12-24-2004, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mattlock

We'll watch the bravest shrink back
And the greatest speakers of our day
Stumble over their words and phrases
We'll watch stragglers make their comeback
A sweet victory for the weakest
Oh how wonderful it will be

Actually, this makes me think of Lee Bozeman for some reason. He's one of my favorite lyricists, so that's definitely a good thing. The only criticism I can make of this verse is that it might be weird to put to music because there isn't much uniformity to the lines. That's not necessarily a bad thing as it can lead to more creativity in your music.

Quote:

Oh how wonderful it would be
If we knew what risk was
If we knew what revolution could accomplish
If we left the mediocre behind

I could see the last line being a decent hook if it had the right melody. But again, not much structure.

Quote:

Tonight, unconditional surrender
From all the the world has held in high regards
To the crippled, the handicapped
To all of the weakest
And all of us outcasts
Is all that shall be desired

You don't surrender from anything. You surrender to something. I think that's what you're trying to say, that the world is surrendering to the weak, but the order of the lines confuses things here. Switch some things around or it sounds like you're saying "surrender from the world" which doesn't make sense. You need to be more clear in this verse.

Quote:

Wake up oh sleep, watch the stars
Take their place in the in the sky
The night we left the mediocre behind

I like this. This is a strong point in the song. Just one thing; is that meant to be "wake up oh sleeper" as in Ephesians 5:14, or are you personifying sleep? Either way works. And I'm assuming the double "in the" is a typo...

Good stuff. Not much structure to it, which might make it hard to put to music, but it sounds like you've got that worked out. I'd like to hear a recording soon.

Mattlock · 12-24-2004, 02:45 PM

Yes, in the bridge, it's sleeper. Typo.

I thought that the 2nd verse was the weakest part of the song. I'll work on that a little more.

I have music, I'll see when I can get a recording. Our drummer has connections to a studio, but we don't know if things will work out. Thanks for RCing this, BTW.