[Opie]

I just wrote this one...If you can figure out what its about you get a cookie

Eleven Past Twelve

Your words were broken up
And I didn't move
Aside from the pulsing of my heart
A different beat for every mood
My muscles all shut down
This last attempt to break atrophy
But all to no avail...no avail
I somehow managed to whisper my appology

I'm surrounded by waves of redundancy
And they're ripping away this raft
I'm as good as dead...
I know I've mentioned this before
How quick I am to ask you to forgive...Do you really forget?
When I'm in over my head...
Should I just go down with the ship?

My words were all so calloused
I've been practicing them so much
Rehersals of disinterest
My core so passionate for this lust

So I sit and stare at these waves
Bigger than the mountains I boldly moved in faith
But now I sit on the plank of all that remains
Begging for your sweet embrance...terrified its all in vain...

Should I go down with the ship?
Terrified its all in vain...
(ad lib etc...)

[Opie]

n e one?

[SupaNova]

Originally Posted by Opie

n e one?

*looks at his own empty thread and feels compassion well up from somewhere deep inside*
Since you don't have a "verse,chorus, etc" set up I guess I'll just go chunk by chunk.

Your words were broken up
And I didn't move
Aside from the pulsing of my heart
A different beat for every mood
My muscles all shut down
This last attempt to break atrophy
But all to no avail...no avail
I somehow managed to whisper my appology

Pretty good start, but it strikes me as a bit cliche. The lines themselves aren't necessarily cliche, just the overall feel is very typical "emo". Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I'm surrounded by waves of redundancy
And they're ripping away this raft
I'm as good as dead...
I know I've mentioned this before
How quick I am to ask you to forgive...Do you really forget?
When I'm in over my head...
Should I just go down with the ship?

This is pretty cool, I like the "lost at sea" idea you're developing. I can't say that I can make out a definate rhytm scheme though, at least not an obvious one.

My words were all so calloused
I've been practicing them so much
Rehersals of disinterest
My core so passionate for this lust

Nice, good lines man.

So I sit and stare at these waves
Bigger than the mountains I boldly moved in faith
But now I sit on the plank of all that remains
Begging for your sweet embrance...terrified its all in vain...

I'm really liking all of the sea imagery here too. Judging from this last line, I'd guess this is a more spiritual song, correct?

Should I go down with the ship?
Terrified its all in vain...
(ad lib etc...)

Ad lib? As in you're going to sing a different ending every time or you just don't know what to put there just yet?

Overall, I like the song, even though I'm not sure what the title has to do with it. I'm probably just not thinking deep enough. Good job, I'll be interested to see how this song developes.

[Opie]

ad lib as in like repeat those lines as necissary...

The title is kind of representative of the things that happen to make me feel that way...It's kind of a song of being upset with yourself as you sin against God and you wonder exactly how he feels about forgiving you over and over again and you get so sick of it that you wonder if you should just stop trying...It's a song of doubt and being completely overwhelmed(by the sea thats so big) and eleven past twelve is kind of the idea that on Saturday night you're our partying until midnight or later and then eleven hours later you're sitting in church asking forgiveness for what you did the night before...No that I party and everything that was just a generality...anyway hope that clarifies anything and everything...tks for the critique!