[Epaphras]

Let me know what you think.

The format is: Intro paragraph with thesis, concession/rebuttal paragraph, three pro-statement paragraphs with cited support, and a concluding paragraph with restated thesis.

Silent Screams

Over 3,700 abortions are performed each day in the United States (Alan Guttmacher Inst.). That’s more than the number of victims of the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, dying every day. Abortion is a hot issue in America, especially among teens. A recent Gallup poll indicates that 72% of American teens believe abortion is morally wrong, and 32% of teens (1 in 3) believe abortion should never be permitted, compared to only 17% of adults (Gallup, Nov 24, 2003). Another poll indicates that 55% of Americans hold a strong view on abortion, either pro-life or pro-choice. This same poll indicates that about 25% of Americans are strongly pro-choice, while 30% are strongly pro-life (Saad). These 30% of Americans believe that abortion should be illegal because it ends a human lives, harms mothers both physically and emotionally, and it deprives loving couples and families from being able to adopt.

Pro-choice advocates would immediately say, “It’s a woman’s body, she has the right to choose what she does with it.” DNA research tells us that the fetus, which ironically is Latin for “young one” or “little child” (Alcorn 31), has distinctly different DNA than the mother, and is therefore not a part of the woman’s body, anymore than a half-chewed cheeseburger is part of a woman’s mouth. As for choice, women have the right to choose whether or not to have sex in the first place. Another popular pro-choice argument plays on fear; “A woman should be able to have an abortion if she is raped”. First of all, only 0.49% of rapes end in pregnancy, and not all of those pregnancies go full term. Second, a survey of women who were raped and subsequently had an abortion reports that over 90% said they would discourage other victims of rape from aborting, and not one woman who was raped and carried to term regretted her decision (Matthewes-Green).

Abortion ends a human life, a life that begins at conception (the joining of the ovum and sperm within days of intercourse). Even pro-choice advocates admit this fact. The owner of Oregon’s largest abortion clinic, Aileen Klass, testified under oath, “Of course human life begins at conception”. When the sperm fuses with the ovum, all the genetic material the baby will have for the rest of its life is combined at that moment. Cell division and growth begins immediately; so much so that by the time most women find out they are pregnant (8 weeks), the unborn is fully formed – just not full size. It is proven fact that abortion stops a beating heart. Simple ultrasound pictures are changing the way expectant mothers view their unborn children. Audrey Stout, a nurse, describes an ultrasound she performed on a two-month pregnant mother, “[The baby] opened and closed her mouth, had the hiccups, laid back as if in a beach chair, stretching her little legs … the mother was visibly touched”. Researcher Thomas Glessner states, “Prior to ultrasound technology, pregnancy centers reported that of the ‘abortion-minded’ women who came in for testing and advice, about 20-30% decided to remain pregnant. With pregnancy centers using ultrasound machines, that proportion has jumped 80-90%”. Since human life begins at conception, and abortion ends that life, and murder is defined as the premeditated taking of human life, abortion is murder and therefore should be illegal in the U.S.

Abortion not only fatally harms the unborn child, but it causes many harmful physical, mental, and emotional problems in the mother. 66% of aborted teens suffer a miscarriage or premature birth during a later pregnancy. Women who have an abortion face a 58% greater risk of dying during a later pregnancy than do non-aborted pregnant women (Reardon). The British Journal of Cancer tells us that having an abortion increases a woman’s risk of developing breast cancer later in life by 50-300%. But there are also mental and emotional complications caused by having an abortion. In interviews with 100 aborted women, researchers found that 80% of them experienced “self-hatred” after the abortion. Post-abortion specialist David Reardon writes, “In a study of aborted women only eight weeks after the abortion … 31% had regrets about their decision”. In surveys of women who experienced post-abortion complications, over 90% said they weren’t given enough information to make an informed decision, and over 80% said it was very unlikely she would have aborted if they had not been so strongly encouraged to abort by others. Interestingly, 83% of aborted women said they would have carried to term if they had received support from boyfriends, families, or other important people in their lives (Alcorn 74-75). The burden of proof is on pro-choice advocates to deny these findings which prove that abortion harms women physically, mentally, and emotionally.

The best alternative to abortion if the mother cannot support the child is adoption. On average, 1.35 million babies are aborted each year in America (Alcorn 16). The National Council for Adoption estimates that 1.3 million families are waiting to adopt. In other words, for every newly adopted child, 30 more are killed, and 40 other couples wait in line. But adoption is portrayed negatively in pro-choice rhetoric. Pro-choice advocates Carol Anderson and Lee Campbell say of adoption, “The unnecessary separation of mothers and children is a cruel, but regrettably usual, punishment that can last a lifetime” (Yoest 10). But what separates a mother and child more than death? With adoption, the opportunity for a relationship with the child in the future is a comfort completely unavailable to women who abort. Several institutions and organizations exist to care for scared pregnant teens, such as Open Arms and Crisis Pregnancy Centers. These places take girls in, give them a home, food, clothing, tutoring, counseling, and aid in adoption; but most of all, they offer love and support. Adoption offers babies the chance of a better life in a loving home, allows infertile couples to have a family, and offers mothers freedom from the emotional trauma of abortion. Abortion, on the other hand, guarantees the death of a baby, the deprivation of couples waiting to adopt, and unceasing emotional trauma for the mother.

Due to the fact that adoption is such a viable alternative to an unwanted pregnancy, and because abortion harms young mothers and ends human lives, abortion should be made illegal in the United States. To reverse the effects of pro-choice rhetoric in our schools and in the media, Americans should inform themselves on this issue, and know the facts about pregnancy, ultrasound technology, the health effects of abortion, and be well informed about adoption, and even be willing to adopt a child. Abstinence should be taught in homes and schools, and adoption praised in the media. More than 45 million unborn martyrs have been slain since Roe v. Wade. Let this be the first generation courageous enough to honor the sanctity of human life in the womb and end the national scourge of abortion.

[whit3K2]

Very good, Very good,
Unfortunately, [playing the devil's advocate here] a lot of contraceptives spokespeople are on the head boards of Government studies to reducing statistics of the younger generation. And that equals lot's of promoting of planned parenthood and the distrubution of contraceptives in schools. And with promotion comes profits.

So while using great facts, statistics and providing the perfect touch of sensitivity, your argument is A-1, however, the pocketbooks of contraceptive companies and the day after pill are probably going to win this one out.

I really like the excuse given by the pro-choice camp gives for hating adoption. (What a bunch of BS.

[ethinkis]

Thats a great paper.

[bobthecockroach]

I don't pretend to be an expert, but you asked for thoughts, so I'm going to give them to you.

I will preface my post by saying the following:

In my opinion, good content and good style are inseperable. Thus, I will comment on both.

PS - I also think good style and good grammar are inseperable.

Originally Posted by Epaphras

The format is: Intro paragraph with thesis, concession/rebuttal paragraph, three pro-statement paragraphs with cited support, and a concluding paragraph with restated thesis.

Silent Screams

Over 3,700 abortions are performed each day in the United States (Alan Guttmacher Inst.). That’s more than the number of victims of the terrorist attacks on September 11, 2001, dying every day.1 Abortion is a hot2 issue in America, especially among teens. A recent Gallup poll indicates that 72% of American teens believe abortion is morally wrong, and 32% of teens (1 in 3) believe abortion should never be permitted, compared to only 17% of adults (Gallup, Nov 24, 2003). Another poll indicates that 55% of Americans hold a strong view on abortion, either pro-life or pro-choice. This same poll indicates that about 25% of Americans are strongly pro-choice, while 30% are strongly pro-life (Saad). These 30% of Americans believe that abortion should be illegal because it ends a human lives3, harms mothers both physically and emotionally, and it4 deprives loving couples and families from being able to adopt.

1 - Bad sentence structure. Read it out loud. It doesn't flow, or at least it doesn't flow well enough to be the second sentence in your paper. I would suggest something along the lines of, "Abortion[, then,] kills more people in one day than the total number of victims of the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001."

(Side notes: Avoid contractions and using this/that without proceeding to a noun.)

2 - "Hot" seems too colloquial to me. I'd recommend using a more formal adjective.

3 - I'm guessing this mistake is just a typo but, nevertheless, "a human lives" is improper grammar. It should be one of the following: "a human's life," "human lives," or "a human life."

4 - The word "it" is unnecessary there. You didn't use it when talking about the mothers, why use it now when talking about adoption?

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At first glance, I wouldn't consider this a strong thesis, but I don't know your assignment. If your assignment was to describe the views of the pro-life group, then your thesis is perfect. If your assignment was to explain your own views, then your thesis is weak. All you are doing with your thesis (read over your last sentence) is giving the reasons that pro-lifers believe the way they do. You are not making any statement about abortion itself. If you want to make a statement about abortion and still include the bit about "30% of Americans," then you should rephrase it something like the following:

"As 30% of Americans believe, abortion should be illegal because..."

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Pro-choice advocates would1 immediately say, “It’s2 a woman’s body, she has the right to choose what she does with it.” DNA research tells us that the fetus, which ironically is Latin for “young one” or “little child” (Alcorn 31), has distinctly different DNA than the mother,3 and is therefore not a part of the woman’s body,4 anymore than a half-chewed cheeseburger is part of a woman’s mouth. As for choice, women have the right to choose whether or not to have sex in the first place. Another popular pro-choice argument plays on fear;5 “A woman should be able to have an abortion if she is raped”. First of all, only 0.49% of rapes end in pregnancy, and not all of those pregnancies go full term. Second, a survey of women who were raped and subsequently had an abortion reports that over 90% said they would discourage other victims of rape from aborting, and not one woman who was raped and carried to term regretted her decision (Matthewes-Green).

1 - Something strikes me as wrong about the tense of that "would." I think it should be "will."

2 - Again, avoid contractions when possible in formal or semi-formal writing.

3 - Comma splice. If this paper is for an english class your teacher will definitely notice this mistake. Just remove the comma and everything will be okeydokey. Commas are used before conjunctions when the conjunction begins an independent clause.

4 - Unnecessary comma. There's no need to use a comma before this dependent clause. Read it out loud, do you pause there? I don't. Kill the comma.

5 - I believe this should be a colon but that's not too important I suppose.

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This paragraph is pretty good overall. You might want to explain yourself a little more thoroughly in some places. Read it slowly out loud and see if anything sticks out to you as being vague. Also note, you aren't saying anything that hasn't been said before in this paragraph. When using cliche arguments (I don't mean that in a negative way because I think the arguments are good), you need exceptional analysis and explanation. Otherwise you just sound, well, cliche. You'll come across as if you're just spitting out things you've heard before and not as if you've actually thought about the issue, and you don't want that misunderstanding to occur.

Oh, also, there's no real topic sentence in this paragraph.

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Abortion ends a human life, a life that begins at conception (the joining of the ovum and sperm within days of intercourse). Even pro-choice advocates admit this fact. The owner of Oregon’s largest abortion clinic, Aileen Klass1, testified under oath, “Of course human life begins at conception”.2 When the sperm fuses with the ovum, all the genetic material the baby will have for the rest of its life is combined at that moment.3 Cell division and growth begins immediately;4 so much so that by the time most women find out they are pregnant (8 weeks), the unborn is fully formed – just not full size. It is proven fact that abortion stops a beating heart. Simple ultrasound pictures are changing the way expectant mothers view their unborn children. Audrey Stout, a nurse, describes an ultrasound she performed on a two-month pregnant mother, “[The baby] opened and closed her mouth, had the hiccups, laid back as if in a beach chair, stretching her little legs … the mother was visibly touched”. Researcher Thomas Glessner states, “Prior to ultrasound technology, pregnancy centers reported that of the ‘abortion-minded’ women who came in for testing and advice, about 20-30% decided to remain pregnant. With pregnancy centers using ultrasound machines, that proportion has jumped 80-90%”. Since human life begins at conception, and abortion ends that life, and murder is defined as the premeditated taking of human life, abortion is murder and therefore should be illegal in the U.S.5

1 - I think this sentence would read better as follows:

"Aileen Klass, the owner of Oregon's largest abortion clinic..."

If you look at it carefully as it is now, it could be saying that Aileen Klass is the name of Oregon's largest abortion clinic.

2 - Periods go inside quotes even when it seems stupid to put them there.

3 - You already said when it happens; there's no reason to repeat that information by saying, "at that moment." Drop that phrase and the sentence will be stronger (by being more concise).

4 - Semicolons divide independent clauses; this punctuation mark should be a comma.

5 - This sentence is awkward. It would flow much better if you remove the "and" inbetween "life begins at conception" and "abortion ends that life." Leave the comma; kill the "and."

Oh, and "therefore" should be set off by commas... I think.

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This paragraph is pretty good. You should probably spend a little time explaining the importance of the examples and statistics you are presenting. Obviously you and I can see the importance but pro-choice supporters won't be so open.

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Abortion not only fatally harms1 the unborn child, but2 it causes many harmful physical, mental, and emotional problems in3 the mother. 66%4 of aborted teens suffer a miscarriage or premature birth during a later pregnancy. Women who have an abortion face a 58% greater risk of dying during a later pregnancy than do non-aborted pregnant women (Reardon). The British Journal of Cancer tells us that having an abortion increases a woman’s risk of developing breast cancer later in life by 50-300%.5 But6 there are also mental and emotional complications caused by having an abortion. In interviews with 100 aborted women, researchers found that 80% of them7 experienced “self-hatred” after the abortion. Post-abortion specialist David Reardon writes, “In a study of aborted women only eight weeks after the abortion … 31% had regrets about their decision”. In surveys of women who experienced post-abortion complications, over 90% said they weren’t given enough information to make an informed decision, and over 80% said it was very unlikely she would have aborted if they had not been so strongly encouraged to abort by others. Interestingly, 83% of aborted women said they would have carried to term if they had received support from boyfriends, families, or other important people in their lives (Alcorn 74-75).8 The burden of proof is on pro-choice advocates to deny these findings which prove that abortion harms women physically, mentally, and emotionally.9

1 - Can't you just say, "kills"?

2 - You already used one connective (not only), there's no reason to use another one. Drop the "but."

3 - I'd use "for" instead of "in" here, but I suppose that's just a matter of personal preference.

4 - Never begin a sentence with a number. "Sixty-six percent..." would be much easier to read. Don't worry about the fact that this sentence would be the only place you'd type out the number; just don't begin sentences with numbers... please.

5 - Statistics without analysis. Either add a sentence or two to explain why these statistics are important or rephrase the sentences so they explain themselves. All you are saying is that these statistics are true. You aren't saying that these statistics are a problem because they indicate that abortion causes physical harm to mothers. That's what you mean, but it's not what you're actually saying.

Two possible fixes:

1) Add an explanatory sentence (or several sentences). Something as simple as, "As these statistics show, abortion causes severe physical harm to mothers," would work fine.

2) Rephrase the sentences making abortion the subject (instead of the different researchers/pollsters). Example:

"The British Journal of Cancer tells us that having an abortion increases a woman’s risk of developing breast cancer later in life by 50-300%."

...would become...

"According to the British Journal of Cancer, abortion increases a woman’s risk of developing breast cancer by 50-300%."

This way you'd be saying what abortion does. YOU'D be saying it instead of letting the researchers say it.

6 - And you shouldn't start sentences with conjunctions. Drop the "but."

7 - This pronoun has no antecedent. Because "aborted women" is in a dependent clause, it cannot function as the antecedent. (Notice that I just made the same mistake. Let me rephrase.) Because it is in a dependent clause, "aborted women" cannnot function as the antecedent. One possible rephrase would be as follows:

"In interviews, researches found that of 100 aborted women..."

8 - Again, you have a chunk of writing in which you don't actually say anything. You're showing what researchers have found but you aren't explaining the significance of their findings nor making any claims of your own. Again, either rephrase or add explanatory sentences. It would be even better to do both and the same with 5.

For example:
"In interviews with 100 aborted women, researchers found that 80% of them experienced “self-hatred” after the abortion."

...would become...

"Abortion often causes "self-hatred" in mothers. In interviews, researchers found that 80% of aborten women experienced such 'self-hatred.' "

Then, at the end of this section (where I put the 8
"As these researchers have shown, abortion causes emotional harm as well as physical harm."

9 - Unless your assignment is analyzation of the pro-life/pro-choice debate, this sentence is bad. If you're just talking about abortion, who cares where the burden of proof lies? I would chance the concluding sentence to something like the following:

"As these findings show, abortion causes physical, mental and emotional harm to women."

Then, if you wanted to, you could add a blip about the burden of proof, but don't make it the theme of your conclusion when it wasn't even discussed in your paragraph. Example:

"As these findings show, abortion causes physical, mental and emotional harm to women, and the burden is on pro-choice advocates to prove otherwise."

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Overall, I think this paragraph needs work. You're citing a lot of great research, but, as I've said before, you aren't really saying anything. YOU aren't. The researchers are saying plenty but it's your paper, not theirs. Make positive claims. That is what you said you were going to do in these paragraphs. Don't just show what researchers have found. Use their research as support but not as your main/only content.

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The best alternative to abortion if the mother cannot support the child is adoption. On average, 1.35 million babies are aborted each year in America (Alcorn 16). The National Council for Adoption estimates that 1.3 million families are waiting to adopt. In other words, for every newly adopted child, 30 more are killed, and 40 other couples wait in line. But adoption is portrayed negatively in pro-choice rhetoric. Pro-choice advocates Carol Anderson and Lee Campbell say of adoption, “The unnecessary separation of mothers and children is a cruel, but regrettably usual, punishment that can last a lifetime” (Yoest 10). But what separates a mother and child more than death? With adoption, the opportunity for a relationship with the child in the future is a comfort completely unavailable to women who abort. Several institutions and organizations exist to care for scared pregnant teens, such as Open Arms and Crisis Pregnancy Centers. These places take girls in, give them a home, food, clothing, tutoring, counseling, and aid in adoption; but most of all, they offer love and support. Adoption offers babies the chance of a better life in a loving home, allows infertile couples to have a family, and offers mothers freedom from the emotional trauma of abortion. Abortion, on the other hand, guarantees the death of a baby, the deprivation of couples waiting to adopt, and unceasing emotional trauma for the mother.

Due to the fact that adoption is such a viable alternative to an unwanted pregnancy, and because abortion harms young mothers and ends human lives, abortion should be made illegal in the United States. To reverse the effects of pro-choice rhetoric in our schools and in the media, Americans should inform themselves on this issue, and know the facts about pregnancy, ultrasound technology, the health effects of abortion, and be well informed about adoption, and even be willing to adopt a child. Abstinence should be taught in homes and schools, and adoption praised in the media. More than 45 million unborn martyrs have been slain since Roe v. Wade. Let this be the first generation courageous enough to honor the sanctity of human life in the womb and end the national scourge of abortion.

I'm afraid I need to head to bed. If you find my critique useful, I'll be happy look over the rest of the paper tomorrow. If not, well, I'll just leave you alone.

G'night!

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If this is something you've already finished and turned in, then I'll just look like an idiot and shut up.

[Nate]

Originally Posted by Epaphras

Let me know what you think.

You didn't say anything that hasn't been said before, and you blatantly ripped off anti-abortion catch-phrases throughout the paper. Sorry, but it was not a compelling paper to me.

You asked for my thoughts.

and is therefore not a part of the woman’s body, anymore than a half-chewed cheeseburger is part of a woman’s mouth.

Bad analogy... yikes. You're trying to prove that an unborn child is alive and should not, therefore, be killed under any circumstances, yes? If so, then compare the unborn child to something else that is equally important and equally "sacred," and not to greasy fast-food fare. Nobody feels sympathy for a cheeseburger, so your analogy doesn't help your cause at all here.

In His love,
Nate