[SupaNova]

Here's a new song I've been working on for a while. Have at it gents (and ladies, of course):

Sarcastic Remarks

V1

Friday night’s the fashion
I’ll just cave in for some action
Every pretty face I spy becomes my new fatal attraction
Too bad I’m introverted
The whole world makes me so nervous
I Heard you loud and clearly simply ignored you on purpose
And I just shot a metaphoric bullet through my head
The first step to purge myself of every word you said
Cause I’m sick of looking foolish
and putting myself through this
I keep forgetting that you keep falling for tall, dark, and stupid

Pre Chorus

So no hard feelings
Real wise guys never cry
Is this really so appealing
Watching youth just passing by
While standing still on central time and..

Chorus

These are sarcastic remarks that I’m prone to make
It’s just my useless attempt at saving face
And all the girls seem to hate mine anyway
Someone told me after high school life was gonna be okay

V2

Everyone’s so nice to me
That’s cause I’ve got dirt on everybody
Probably why I’m still at home when all my friends leave for some party
And I feel much more mature
When I’m all alone and insecure
It’s better not to talk when no one understands your slurs
You said that I was special, exactly why always eludes me
And I never found your sunny optimism all that amusing
I even tried looking past
That silver spoon shoved up your ass
But your lies were never convicting and I’m tired of stomaching that.

(Pre Chorus)
(Chorus)

2nd Chorus/Outro

But it’s not, everyone’s even more cliché
And the worst part is they’re all happy that way
Beautiful, shallow people force a smile then walk away

Maybe after college life is gonna be okay
Maybe everyone could just start acting their own age
Maybe I’m just over thinking everything anyway

[Josh]

This song is really really really really really good x 20. I'm serious. It's really good. Really.

Josh.

[Skeeter]

I like it, but from a preliminary readthough, it looks like you're going to have some rhythm problems. The differing lengths of lines might give you some trouble.

[Mattlock]

I didn't read it all the way through. But holy crap, that is amazing! Good job! When I get a chance to thoroughly read it, I'll tell you what I think.

[Rich*]

It’s just my useless attempt at saving face
And all the girls seem to hate mine anyway

good stuff

[SupaNova]

Wow, thanks a lot guys

And Skeeter, the differing lines work with the melody I've hammered out. But you're probably right, I haven't tried singing the song the whole way through yet, and that might be when a few rhythm problems show up.

[Vvildcard]

Love it... just make sure Relient K doesn't steal it

Here's some advice to try and move it from a poem to a song...

Friday night’s the fashion
I’ll just cave in for some action
Every pretty face I spy becomes my new fatal attraction
Too bad I’m introverted
The whole world makes me so nervous
I Heard you loud and clearly simply ignored you on purpose

Love this... the rhythm on the words is great and will fit nicely into a melody. I can see this turning out something close to Relient K's "Jefferson Aeroplane" The lines are also clearly painting a picture of what emotions you're dealing with and will set the tone for the rest of the song.

And I just shot a metaphoric bullet through my head
The first step to purge myself of every word you said
Cause I’m sick of looking foolish
and putting myself through this
I keep forgetting that you keep falling for tall, dark, and stupid

The melody would have to change here because the rhythm of the words change... which is definately not a bad thing. I'm worried, though, about the rhyme scheme in the last 3 lines. The first two work very well together. The 3rd and 4th lines need to be combined. The 5th line (which would become the 4th line) should probably rhyme with "this" ... or at least half-rhyme. "Tall, dark and stupid" is a good line, though and I hate to see it go... so maybe you could find something for line 3 that ends in a rhyme with "stupid."

So no hard feelings
Real wise guys never cry
Is this really so appealing
Watching youth just passing by
While standing still on central time and..

Not much to change here, but I'm having a hard time feeling the rhythm of how it will line up... especially with the last line. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to change it.

These are sarcastic remarks that I’m prone to make
It’s just my useless attempt at saving face
And all the girls seem to hate mine anyway
Someone told me after high school life was gonna be okay

Each line is good, but I just don't feel them flowing together. The 3rd line is a good play on the 2nd, but it just feels out of place... it's not comfortable like the rest of the song is. Try to keep the idea, but it needs a rewording (the words "seem" and "mine" are the ones that stand out the most to me).

Unfortunately, I feel like the chorus is the weakest part of the song. A solid, catchy melody could fix that, but the chorus needs to the most memorable part of the song and right now, I just don't think it has the chemistry to pull it off.

Everyone’s so nice to me
That’s cause I’ve got dirt on everybody
Probably why I’m still at home when all my friends leave for some party
And I feel much more mature
When I’m all alone and insecure
It’s better not to talk when no one understands your slurs

Excellent... you're right back into the way you started the first verse. I would check the syllables compared to the first verse and trim/add words as needed. Depending on the melody you use, you might be able to sneak more words in, but having them line up closer would be preferrable. The "Probably" (3rd line) just doesn't work for me... too many syllables to start a line.

The only other problem I have with this set is that idea expressed in the last line doesn't fit with the rest of it. I agree with trying to express your insecurity, but I think you could do it in a more vivid way.

You said that I was special, exactly why always eludes me
And I never found your sunny optimism all that amusing
I even tried looking past
That silver spoon shoved up your ass
But your lies were never convicting and I’m tired of stomaching that.

See my comments above about making the word rhythm line up with the first verse.

Looking at this, I think the first line of this section works perfect for the last line of the first half of the chorus... or at least the idea of it. It would flow better with the first sections line about being excluded from parties. You could replace the first line in this half with an idea that I think is sorely missing... a promise from someone to do something (like hanging out), but never takes the time to actually get around to it.

I'd also try to get the AABB rhyme scheme a little stronger, like it was in the first verse... and combine the two short lines (3 and 4). "Crass" rhymes with "ass." Maybe: "I even tried to look past that silver spoon shoved up your ass ---> But your lies were never convincing and I'm tired of being crass"

But it’s not, everyone’s even more cliché
And the worst part is they’re all happy that way
Beautiful, shallow people force a smile then walk away

Surely you could come up with something better than "But it's not". I also think you could leave out "shallow," but maybe throw in a play on being shallow later in the line by changing the verb: "Beautiful people force a smile then wade away."

Maybe after college life is gonna be okay
Maybe everyone could just start acting their own age
Maybe I’m just over thinking everything anyway

I'd end it on the second line... unless you can make the last line less cumbersome. "over thinking everything anyway" is a little much, imo.


Overall, I love the idea behind the song and you've definately got some great little things going on with the wording. A little cleaning up and I think you've really got something here.

Good luck with it!

[Opie]

Bullet through my head... wondeful line!

SOME GIRL COME OVER HERE AND GIVE SUPA A BIG RIGHT NOW!

[SupaNova]

Sorry for the late response, I wanted to have plenty of time to reply:

Originally Posted by Vvildcard

Love it... just make sure Relient K doesn't steal it

Well, I highly doubt it, seeing as their record label wouldn't even let them say crap on one of their records

The melody would have to change here because the rhythm of the words change... which is definately not a bad thing. I'm worried, though, about the rhyme scheme in the last 3 lines. The first two work very well together. The 3rd and 4th lines need to be combined. The 5th line (which would become the 4th line) should probably rhyme with "this" ... or at least half-rhyme. "Tall, dark and stupid" is a good line, though and I hate to see it go... so maybe you could find something for line 3 that ends in a rhyme with "stupid."

Yeah, the rhythm patterns for this song are difficult to figure out on paper, but unfortunately I have no means of recording anything right now. Also, "foolish", "through this", and "stupid" are all suppose to be imperfectly rhymed. Same thing with "pass", "ass", and "that" at the end of the 2nd verse.

Not much to change here, but I'm having a hard time feeling the rhythm of how it will line up... especially with the last line. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to change it.

By any chance, have you heard a song called "Hover Near Fame" by the New Amsterdams? Well, my pre-chorus is based around the setup of that song's chorus. Although that may not help you out at all..

Unfortunately, I feel like the chorus is the weakest part of the song. A solid, catchy melody could fix that, but the chorus needs to the most memorable part of the song and right now, I just don't think it has the chemistry to pull it off.

Well I'm sorry to hear that. I have actually had the chorus written for a couple of months now, and wrote the rest of the song around it. But yeah, perhap I'll have to write that catchy melody to change your mind

I'd also try to get the AABB rhyme scheme a little stronger, like it was in the first verse... and combine the two short lines (3 and 4). "Crass" rhymes with "ass." Maybe: "I even tried to look past that silver spoon shoved up your ass ---> But your lies were never convincing and I'm tired of being crass"

Hmm..."crass" might rhyme a bit better than "that". I'll consider it.

Surely you could come up with something better than "But it's not". I also think you could leave out "shallow," but maybe throw in a play on being shallow later in the line by changing the verb: "Beautiful people force a smile then wade away."

The last chorus goes straight into the outro, and "but it's not" is the best phrase I've found that continues the thought from the chorus without shoving too many words into one sentence. The wading metaphor is pretty clever, but I think it might be a bit too abstract for this song. Just saying straight up "Beautiful, Shallow people" is much more obvious, and works with the bitter, sarcastic mood of the song, I feel.

I'd end it on the second line... unless you can make the last line less cumbersome. "over thinking everything anyway" is a little much, imo.

Well, I will take your advice and change the final line to "over thinking all of this anyway", but just ending on the 2nd to last line would just sound unfinished.

Overall, I love the idea behind the song and you've definately got some great little things going on with the wording. A little cleaning up and I think you've really got something here.

Thanks, I appreciate the critique!