[tinytimo]

I need help.

My name is Tim and I'm a youth ministry major at a Christian school in OK. I'm 19 yrs old, almost 20, and I'm single. Now that I've given a little background, here's what's going on. (Sorry, this might end up being long.)

I've spent all of my teenage years addicted to pornography. I've always wanted to get help for it and find freedom again but I've been too afraid. I was always active and involved in my youth group, so I unfortunately felt like I had to be a role model, by not having any faults. I've never told anybody. And now here I am telling, with pseudo-anonymity, literally anyone in the entire world. I'm that desperate for help.

I'm also dealing with a lot of guilt. (which is what I should be dealing with, I know, because I've sinned) You see, not only was I putting up a front as a youth, I was also putting up a front as a youth leader. In January, I accepted an internship at my church working under our (newly found) youth pastor. Shortly thereafter, it was found out that he was struggling with the same problem as I was. Within a couple of months, the church had to let him go to get healing, and as his replacement they selected me, of course without the knowledge that I was in the same struggle.

And I did it. I, who had stood behind my youth pastor in his struggle when the senior pastor thought that he should just be counseled but not removed from his position because me hope of acceptance as the wretched man that I am, I who then 'switched sides' when the pastoral staff decided (based on, I believe, correct advice from regional heads) to remove him from his post, I who still struggled with exactly what I knew we needed to remove him for stepped in and took over. And I knew it was wrong, but I knew that if I admitted what I was struggling with that I would be ousted too.

I like to think that it was because of my love for the youth, who have been through countless shifts in leadership, that made me stay bound by my secret. There was no one to step up if I stepped out. And I was dying, I was killing myself on the inside with this addiction. It may, though, have been my sinful pride that kept me there, my shame in what I had done, my fear of being found out.

So, what do I need? I need prayer. And I need advice as to how to deal with this. I'm beginning to realize that sexual sin is by and large the least acceptable in the Church; we seem to respect those who confess their addictions to drugs and alcohol, but we're disgusted by sex addicts. I know. I've been on both sides.

Thank you for reading this and for your prayer and support.


"Those who claim to know Him must walk as Jesus did." 1 John 2.6

[Andrew]

I can't give you any real advice, because I wouldn't trust myself to give you good advice. There are some people that will see this in the next couple of days that will give you real, Biblical advice. I will, however, be praying for you, my friend.

[Ted Logan]

I recommend that you find and read The Pursuit of Holiness by Jerry Bridges. Either read it or find it on CD (I got it for $10 on CD and listened to it on my commute last week). He touches on so many important issues for you to hear, the most important of which is this: You must learn to hate your sin, not because it is a weakness in yourself or because it is a failure on your part, but because it is an affront to the holiness of God. Consider these verses:

Psa 119:104 From Your precepts I get understanding; Therefore I hate every false way.

Psa 119:113 s Samekh. I hate those who are double-minded, But I love Your law.

Psa 119:163 I hate and despise falsehood, But I love Your law.

Psa 139:21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD? And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
Psa 139:22 I hate them with the utmost hatred; They have become my enemies.

Psa 36:1 For the choir director. A Psalm of David the servant of the LORD. Transgression speaks to the ungodly within his heart; There is no fear of God before his eyes.
Psa 36:2 For it flatters him in his own eyes Concerning the discovery of his iniquity and the hatred of it.
Psa 36:3 The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit; He has ceased to be wise and to do good.
Psa 36:4 He plans wickedness upon his bed; He sets himself on a path that is not good; He does not despise evil.

Psa 26:4 I do not sit with deceitful men, Nor will I go with pretenders.
Psa 26:5 I hate the assembly of evildoers, And I will not sit with the wicked.

Psa 97:10 Hate evil, you who love the LORD, Who preserves the souls of His godly ones; He delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

Psa 101:1 A Psalm of David. I will sing of lovingkindness and justice, To You, O LORD, I will sing praises.
Psa 101:2 I will give heed to the blameless way. When will You come to me? I will walk within my house in the integrity of my heart.
Psa 101:3 I will set no worthless thing before my eyes; I hate the work of those who fall away; It shall not fasten its grip on me.
Psa 101:4 A perverse heart shall depart from me; I will know no evil.
Psa 101:5 Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy; No one who has a haughty look and an arrogant heart will I endure.
Psa 101:6 My eyes shall be upon the faithful of the land, that they may dwell with me; He who walks in a blameless way is the one who will minister to me.
Psa 101:7 He who practices deceit shall not dwell within my house; He who speaks falsehood shall not maintain his position before me.
Psa 101:8 Every morning I will destroy all the wicked of the land, So as to cut off from the city of the LORD all those who do iniquity.

Pro 8:13 "The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; Pride and arrogance and the evil way And the perverted mouth, I hate.

Amo 5:15 Hate evil, love good, And establish justice in the gate! Perhaps the LORD God of hosts May be gracious to the remnant of Joseph.

Rev 2:6 'Yet this you do have, that you hate the deeds of the Nicolaitans, which I also hate.

This is not a formula to success. There is no success except the work on Calvary by the Lord who saves. Do not read these verses and say, "Eureka! I have finally found the key to success!" Instead, read them and hate your sin. Love the love of Christ in you, and consciously say to yourself that you hate every false way, and that you hate it not for causing you pain, but because God hates it. And turn your mind to holy things. Hate sin, and rejoice that sin cannot defeat what Christ has bought. Rejoice in the Lord:

Phi 4:4 Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice!
Phi 4:5 Let your gentle spirit be known to all men. The Lord is near.
Phi 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Phi 4:7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Phi 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things.

Notice what the precondition is for the peace of God guarding your heart and mind in verses 4-6.

If you must remove the internet from your house, do so. If you have an issue with movies, sell your DVD player. Contrary to popular belief, you do not need one. You must discipline yourself to think on things that are true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, and good, and you will do much more on that road if you are forced to read more and watch less.

[salvaged]

Sexual sin is something alot of people called into ministry deal with, it is another tool used against you to get you away from what you are called to do, same goes with the guy you replaced, same for me and the same for alot of others, you are not alone in this. Each case is different, like mine is a mind battle, I have a couple of times been sitting in church and thoughts come into my mind that I dont not want and these thoughts have been so bad that I have to keep my head down and not look at the pastor to keep from these visiual images poping into my head. I do not want these thoughts, I have prayed that they go away and it hurts me deeply that out of nowhere they just pop out at me. In my case its a distraction, satans was playing on my mind and enjoying every moment of it, till I desided to take a stand agaisnt him and I realized he was trying all he could to distract me from God. But greater is He that is in me then the world!! Our God is a mighty God and with Him all things are possible.Satan is a liar!! It was time I told him where to go, it was time to knock down those lies!!! I had been a victom for too long and allowed him to play on me for too long. There is power in the name of Jesus, to break the strongholds!! I know our cases are different, but the power of God is the same!! Its time to take your stand against him and that struggle and tell it where go!! Dont be a victom anymore. Stand up and stand strong. I will be praying for you. Jesus is the way, the only way.

[em0ticon]

i used to have the same problem.

i had cut alot of paper and drew the letters NWI for "not worth it" and stuck them everywhere, the ceiling above my head, on my computer, in the bathroom, just everywhere. i also had a white shoelace that i tied around my wrist with the words NWI on it. I wear it to school, kinda keeps me away from lusting.

yea, im a creative kid.

ill be praying for you.

[Blindman]

There's really two different problems you're describing here:

1) Your church's problem. It's very easy for church communities to begin to view themselves, not as a place for redeemed sinners to gather and seek help, but as a club for perfect people. In truth, both you and the previous youth pastor are no worse sinners than others in your church; it's only their pride and unwillingness to acknowledge their own sin that causes them to be harsh with "sinners." Only communities of broken people ever come close to being grace-filled communities.

2) Your problem, which has to be dealt with _before_ you'll be able to have much effect fixing your church. We turn to sin only when we are not finding fulfillment and pleasure and purpose in God; if we are fully satisfied in God, and fully delighting in Him, sin has no power to tempt us. So your solution _isn't_ the sort of self-discipline methods than many people here will suggest; far better is to take such pleasure in God that you aren't even tempted by sin.

That isn't to say that you shouldn't take some obvious steps to make it harder for you to give in to this temptation (unplug the Internet, for example). But I've tried the approach of fighting sin through my own will-power - seeing myself as some sort of holy warrior defeating temptation through my own strength of character and by doing so, pleasing God - and I can tell you that it won't work for long. The only power that can help you is the power of God Himself, and it is to Him that you must go, even though you feel less worthy of His help than ever:

"Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." (Heb 2:18)

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (Heb 4:16)

God's grace is truly amazing. It is especially when we come to Him as utter failures, weak and broken and so much in need of His help, that He delights in meeting our needs and restoring us and giving us strength. Too many churches despise weakness in others because they consider themselves to be strong, but Jesus Himself says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor 12:9)

[ChrisHarbison]

I only skimmed through the replies, so if I repeat something I'm sorry.

A few things that need to be said, mostly concerning a problematic attitude that you seem to hold. First, being a leader in the church means exactly the opposite of "so I unfortunately felt like I had to be a role model, by not having any faults." Of course, the fact that you used the word unfortunately indicates that you are realizing the error in this thinking. The leads to the second thing. Congratulations, you're a normal human male. Trust me when I tell you that I know all too well the struggle you're dealing with. If you think the hurt and guilt is bad now, imagine how bad the guilt and pain is when your fiancee finds out about it and you see her crushed. I wish I could give you a magic formula to deal with sexual sin, but if I could, then I wouldn't deal with it myself. So all I can do is offer my sympathy and prayer support.

As far as your concern for the way the Church deals with confessions of these sorts, I can only say that it's a tragedy. Again, I really wish I could give you better advice, but the best thing I can say is to let the disgust for sin in general drive you to your knees in prayer for deliverance from evil through the grace and blood of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

Actually, I was reading in Song of Solomon last night and the Lord touched me in a way that I think is applicable here. In Song of Songs chapter 5:2, the Lover (representative of Christ) says to the Bride (representative of the Church), "Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one." Note the way the Groom addresses the Bride. Think of how disgusting and sinful we all are. We see ourselves in the light of filth and tainted by sin, and we should. However, look at how Christ views us, His Bride. He calls us His "flawless one" and addresses us with terms of love and intimacy like, "darling" and "dove". Remember this when guilt creeps into your heart and mind. Let that guilt drive you to beg for forgiveness, and let these kind words assure you of the forgiveness that we have in Christ.

[Astonished]

My advice would be to stay in the Church because as Paul said, it doesnt matter so much who is preaching the Gospel but that the Gospel is being preached. I'm not saying that you shouldn't be preaching the Gospel but right now the only way the Gospel can be preached is through you. I know its tough, I would suggest reading "Wild at Heart". Here is another suggestion: On the website www.xxxchurch.com there is a program that you can download that keeps track of all the internet sites you visit and then e-mails that list to a friend every month. I would set it up so that in your youth group you get all the guys who are struggling with this issue to download the program and you just make a circle and because you are their leader you join the circle too and set it up so your list goes to someone and you get someone else's list.

[Strat_dude]

On the website www.xxxchurch.com there is a program that you can download that keeps track of all the internet sites you visit and then e-mails that list to a friend every month.

I second this one. Granted, it wasn't that big of a problem for me (I have similar struggles, just not this one so much), but even so, it hasn't even been a temptation for me knowing that my friends are going to see exactly what web pages I've been looking at.

Also, get accountability. Surely there's someone you can admit your struggles to without becoming a bad role model. And even if you feel there isn't, it's something that has to be done. I was in a very similar situation and didn't ask anyone for help, and then the situation got out of control (even more than it was before). The best advice I ever got about this was James 5:16 - "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed."

If none of that works, then my advice is get rid of your computer/cut off the internet. Seriously. "If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away." Getting rid of your internet access isn't too drastic.

Strat_dude

[JaytheK]

If your having trouble with sexual sin, read "Every Young Man's Battle", by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey. It did/is totally helping me get over my sin. With the help of the Holy Spirit, of course. Anyways, that book is really, really good, so I encourage you to read it.

God bless,
John

[Spazzy McGee]

i struggled with porn too. im 14 now and i found out about it when i was 11. i would look at it on the internet when my mom wasnt home. through middle school my life wasnt very fun. i had a few friends and i cant remember really enjoying myself. during the 8th grade my best friend ****** and i were on a camping trip with her father and we were sitting on a rock together. long story short, a potentially volatile situation presented itself and he did the right thing. that next weekend i talked to her about it and she confessed that she was having a little trouble with profanity. i looked down and confessed me too. she seemed pretty surprised after what she had happend on the camping trip. the next day i came over and gave her a book called every young womens battle. i told her i was reading the young mans version.


this book helped both of us both. i recommend the mens version. it helped me so much. now my life has changed so much. im blessed by being popular and having many friends mostly girls by who i like for whats in their hearts instead fo between thier legs. i pray that you will help because i promise you after you get over this you will find much more joy in life


wishing you the best
Spazzy McGee

[rb18b]

Originally Posted by johnkess

If your having trouble with sexual sin, read "Every Young Man's Battle", by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker with Mike Yorkey. It did/is totally helping me get over my sin. With the help of the Holy Spirit, of course. Anyways, that book is really, really good, so I encourage you to read it.

You beat me too it . . . This book is so great and practical. I was dealing with sexual sin as well and was recommended this book to read. I read it in 3 weeks and it (and God ) changed my life. It answered many questions that I had that I couldn't find the answers to elsewhere. I encourage you to check it out! I'll be praying for you,
God Bless,
rb18b

[em0ticon]

I third about reading "Every Young Man's Battle" too. It tells a story of someone struggling with sexual immorality since he was young, yea, i guess its a thing we can all relate too.

[Blindman]

I haven't read _EYMB_, but I would warn you against any method for dealing with sexual temptation (or any other temptation, for that matter) that focuses on developing will-power, self-discipline, etc. and trying to overcome sin just by trying harder not to sin.



Take a look at Rom 1:18-32. This is one of the chief Bible passages on the power of sin, and sexual sin in particular. But what many people miss is that it describes a _process_ through which we become susceptible to temptation. The process has three stages, with increased sin being the _result_, not the cause, of each stage:

1) First stage: loss of thankfulness and delight in God. "For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him" (v. 21). It's only when we aren't delighted with the good things that God offers us that we begin to seek pleasure elsewhere. And Paul says here, that when people reach this stage, still knowing but no longer glorifying God, the result is that they are "handed over" to their sinful desires and to sexual impurity (v. 24). They lose God's protection, and can no longer resist their own desires.

2) Second stage: questioning God's character, and ceasing to worship (v. 25). Result: even worse sin.

3) Third: renouncing all knowledge of God (v. 28). Result: the entire range of human sin.

All other sins affect chiefly those who have lost the knowledge of God, but sexual sin alone - in this passage - is said to affect those who "although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him" (v. 21).



Often, Christians take a view of sin that looks more like this:

Step 1: We're tempted by sin, and that temptation is so strong, and the sin seems so pleasurable, that we just can't resist.

Step 2: The more we give in to that sin, the more it tempts us.

Step 3: Our relationship with God begins to suffer because of that sin.

But in truth, the exact reverse is true. What happens is that _first_ our relationship with God is weakened, and then, because we are not finding pleasure and satisfaction in Him, sin becomes more and more tempting, until we end up giving in. Consider the temptation of Eve in Gen 3: does the serpent come up to her and say "The fruit is tasty; you know you want it..."? No! He attacks her view of God and her trust in His goodness, telling her that God is selfishly denying her a pleasure that should be hers, and as she is influenced by the serpent's perspective, suddenly she becomes open to temptation.