My Song(s) (RC)

Mattlock · 09-21-2004, 07:37 PM

I might and might not post more songs in here. But here is my song so far. Tell me how bad it is.

When Winter Gave Up

When winter gave up
And the sun came through
Your burning fire filled the sky
And then I knew the truth

When winter gave up
And the spring of life came
I was free
Even though I should take all blame

And the world seemed cold
And this life was getting old
I felt far away from everything knew
And I needed truth
And I needed you.

The cold seems like it won't end
But the winter will die
The sun will wake
And the burning fire will fill the sky

Keep in mind that this was one of my first songs I've ever written. I know its sucky. Give me ideas. Feel free to tell me it sucks. Please, please be honest.

Mattlock · 09-22-2004, 04:30 PM

I guess it really does suck since no one really cares to post anything...

Griffon · 09-23-2004, 01:54 AM

I like the idea, it's the execution that needs work.

Some personal preference ideas.

"Burning fire" here sounds redundant, it's a fire...it's burning....heh, also, I'm, having issues with the line "Spring of life". I know you're trying to use metaphor for rejuvanation, but it's something we hear every day.

In general I like thick metaphors that make me think. A little more abstract....but in the end you need to write what's in your heart. I like the "When Winter Gave Up" idea, just work it more....make the story mor about winter and srping, and how spring finally beat winter....tell me a story in your song!

Mattlock · 09-23-2004, 07:14 PM

Hey, thanks for the suggestions. I will revise it again. That was the 2nd version of that song.

Mattlock · 09-23-2004, 07:49 PM

I fixed it up a little, changing the second verse completley, and moving the old second verse to the bridge. I still have a few changes in mind, though.

When Winter Gave Up

When winter gave up
And the sun came through
Your burning fire filled the sky
And then I knew the truth

When winter gave up
And the spring of life came
I was free
Even though I should take all blame

And the world seemed cold
And this life was getting old
I felt far away from everything knew
And I needed truth
And I needed you.

All was disconnected
It was all a broken mess
The lights went out
And I lost all hope in this darkness

And winter closed in
But I fought back
Fell to my knees, where I should have been
And then the winter gave up

The cold seems like it won't end
But the winter will die
The sun will wake
And the burning fire will fill the sky

And winter closed in
But I fought back
Fell to my knees, where I should have been
And then the winter gave up

Mattlock · 09-26-2004, 04:17 PM

OK, I've finally thought of something semi-good. It doesn' have a name yet.

Verse 1
You sit in the haze
Cut off from everyone's sight
You've felt this way for days
The constant pain, guilt and shame

Chorus
But there's more, so much more
If we could just see
Would we come to our minds
And would we believe?

Verse 2
You dream of a life
far from this place
You glimpse that paradise
But in an instant it's gone

Chorus
Bridge
You cry out for more
More than what they offer
Wipe away your pride
And get up from the floor

Any suggestions? Ideas? Please tell me what you think.

Demon_Hunter · 09-27-2004, 07:16 AM

kool songs man. i think the second one you posted was better then the first.

i cant think of anything wrong right of the bat with the second one, it flows really well. and the main idea set by the first verse stays constant in the song, so there is alot of continuity there.

on the first song:

Quote:

When winter gave up
And the spring of life came
I was free
Even though I should take all blame

that last line doesnt seem to fit the rest of the verse. the idea fits perfect, but the wording kinda sets it out from the rest of the song.

the rest of the song flows really good from that point.

Quote:

And winter closed in
But I fought back
Fell to my knees, where I should have been
And then the winter gave up

i especially like that last part, that is realy kool.

Mattlock · 09-27-2004, 02:43 PM

Thanks!! I actually thought that the first one was better. And I don't like the last part of the second verse.

natedawg5280 · 10-01-2004, 06:45 PM

great songs!

Mattlock · 10-01-2004, 06:46 PM

Here is another new one... the stuff in brackets is a line that I think needs to be changed...

I'm caught in the middle
Of my hopes, dreams and needs
My hopes of a perfect life
My dreams of you
I'd give everything, but my pride is too strong
I'd give you control, but my mind isn't willing.

Prechorus:
Me and my dreams
To gain everything...

Chorus:
[But welcome to the world
And welcome to everything]
The tension between what I am
And what I want is here
It's you or me
And you are everything

White washed tomb
I'm alive outside
But I'm a dead corpse inside
Teach me to breathe
I'm dying to know
So kill me right here
And let me go

I need to add a bridge or something. RC your heart out.

Mattlock · 10-01-2004, 06:51 PM

And another one...

Bite the pain
It won't go away
Your wound is deep
So why leave it untamed

Prechorus:
You worry about your blood
But let your life spill out

Chorus:
The redness soaks the sky
Eating its way through the night
Live is simple, yet such a joke
[ (need line here) ]

This breakthrough surgery is yet to come
[And you wake up and realize]
This wound is your failure
But no hope is soaking the blood

Let the blood flow
Soak the ground red
There's nothing you can do
The surgery has come, and you're dead
[Your life is renewed]
[ (need line here) ]

Mattlock · 10-01-2004, 06:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by natedawg5280

great songs!

Thanks!!

Demon_Hunter · 10-04-2004, 02:36 PM

well, i am always a fan of lyrics that are dark sounding. so i liked that last song when it talks about blood, and soaking hte ground. if it was on the radio, im sure its a song i would crank way up.

emo_boy · 10-05-2004, 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by skilletswitch

OK, I've finally thought of something semi-good. It doesn' have a name yet.

Verse 1
You sit in the haze
Cut off from everyone's sight
You've felt this way for days
The constant pain, guilt and shame

i'd like to see you expand on your ideas here. is the person hiding from people? been rejected by people?

Quote:

Chorus
But there's more, so much more
If we could just see
Would we come to our minds
And would we believe?

again expand. see what? believe what?

Quote:

Verse 2
You dream of a life
far from this place
You glimpse that paradise
But in an instant it's gone

this song would be greatly improved with all around expansion.
what is their dream? what is this place they're at? what is the paradise like?

Quote:

Bridge
You cry out for more
More than what they offer
Wipe away your pride
And get up from the floor

this is good, i don't know that you can really expand on it. but a bridge is supposed to sum up the song, and i can see just some conclusion in it. like i'm not sure what "they" are offering or what it has to do with the ideas you have in the rest of the song.

all in all a good rough draft. it's got good ideas and you know what you want to say, you just need to expand. I'd love to see this when it's reworked.

Mattlock · 10-05-2004, 05:40 PM

Hey dirt_jumper! Thanks for reading my songs! I'll see what I can do with it. I'm new to songwriting, so I'm not really good at it right now.