[guitarfan01]

Ok, I'm back blogging. I probably won't update this one too often, but instead a lot of stuff will be in my Xanga and OutcastChristianGuy (you can find links in my sig). I'll probably just put summaries and stuff here.

Right now, I need to focus on God, and get my mind off of all the problems that are facing me at the moment. I know He is so much bigger than any problem could ever be, but I can't see Him at the moment. Of course, just because a man is blind doesn't mean that light doesn't exist, and that is comforting.

So, Rants and Raves. I know, it's just typical selfish emo crap, not mature worries or anything spiritual, but, eh, I don't know how to be anything else... no, that's a lie. I do know how to be something else, it's just hard.

Rants:
1. Mom is demanding money from me, both immediately and for rent.
2. She is also removing from me my gas card.
3. She also forced me to get back on my Ritalin, and I think it's bringing me down/closing me off.
4. I have spent too much money on music the past two weeks (over $200!) and, as I have no income, this is putting the squeeze on me.
5. I don't even know if I'm going to get to go on the Mexico mission trip Saturday (it's a week long) because I don't have any way to get to the church.
6. I'm selfish.
7. A girl I want to get to know hasn't answered my email in 3 weeks.
8. So many people I know are having spiritual trouble.
9. As near as I can tell, I have no responsibility-ability (haha) in me.
10. My attitude about these things is the worst possible -- selfish, moping, self-assaulting, unproductive, like a dog that's been beat by his master for so long that he doesn't know what else to do but sit in a corner and die.
11. I talk and think big, but don't do anything about it.
12. I ignore the responsibility and the duty right in front of me, and go off looking for others elsewhere.

Raves:
1. God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He will not ever leave me or forsake me.
2. God loves me and will order things so that the best that can happen will happen.
3. God is at work in me, big time.
4. My little brother loves me, and really tries to help.
5. My God is not dead, but alive and active!
6. God's perfect and loving will will be done, no matter what enemies array themselves against it. He is sovereign!
7. God can break my attitude in half.
8. My Master doesn't beat me... but He does punish me when I need it, and even then, He only punishes in love, not in anger.

Galen

[sanzi]

so good to have you back! missed ya!! im adding you to my msn as soon as it starts working again too.

[guitarfan01]

Recently, I've been having quite a few dreams of conversating with people online. I think the computer/internet is trying to take me over.

Galen

[guitarfan01]

Something I wrote after getting off last night/this morning:

Shoved about by every passing desire
Stimulus-response is the name of the game
Find a new button and play with it's function
And see why the pangs of your hunger persist

You can't be filled, you can't be healed
Impossible for one as mechanized lifeless as you
You can't taste love, you can't taste life
Enslaved to the wretched machinery of man
Someone must free you -- but there are none here who can.

Your zombiefication has only begun
One only can stay it -- He is Christ, the Son
One can reverse it -- His Spirit of Love
One can command it -- the Father above.

I dunno. I think this came about after reading Jeff's rants on Switchfoot's new(est) album. So, with that last section, I wanted to sort of hint at the ideas of justification, sanctification, and God's sovereignty.

EDIT: As of 11 PM July 11, I really don't like the last section. Though true, it's still trite, trite, trite, crap!

[guitarfan01]

Well, I have half of another verse now. I will go ahead and post my song that I wrote last Sunday about the trip I'm leaving on tomorrow. It's sort of a FIF punk-ska thing, maybe.

Mexico Suite

I. Looking Forward

I volunteered
Didn't know what I was getting into
It's almost here
Looking forward to see what You'll do
You know my doubt
I'll get in the way, mess up what You're doing
So pour me out
Fill me up with the things You're choosing

One week to go and I don't know the plan
Six more days, I'm on my way to a foreign land

Mexico
Why did You choose me?
What are You doing?
God live through me.

I don't think it's quite finished. Probably since I now think of it as crap. Any prayers about the trip would be much appreciated, thanks.

Galen

[merryweather]

hey awesome blog!!!!i'm gonna miss talking to you online when you go on your missions trip but yeah i hope and pray you have fun! so how's life? haha i always ask you that. yeah i have alot of freaky dreams too....rather weird. but yeah hope you have a great time!
Bethany

[Brian-Alexander]

hey i just checked out your site/blog. i think its pretty sweet. Can you check out my site too. well yeah thats all. later kidz!

[guitarfan01]

Brian, that was painfully cheap. I have returned from the mission trip, by the way. It's somewhat annoying that none of my old (or new) CGR friends except Vikki are posting. (Bethany, you were more of an acquaintance then.) And the trip was awesome, but I don't think the awesomeness has to end. Because God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, you know? And the same on both sides of the border. The awesomeness that we percieve happens when we get the right set of eyes, when we put our hearts in the right place, when we determine to sacrifice ourselves upon the altar of love, as Jesus sacrificed Himself on a cross of love. Love has been my life this past week, and I don't want to stop living in love. If I have a fear, it's that I will stop loving. But one thing that changed in me this week is that I now can honestly sing the song I've wanted to be able to honestly sing ever since I heard it: "Cannonball" by Five Iron Frenzy, especially the bridge and outro.

By the way, I love love in all its forms. And I've got an overflow of the stuff right now.

Galen

[Praisey]

hey, galen!

great to hear you had an awesome time!

[guitarfan01]

Something written Thursday, while on-mission. Actually, most of the first half of the first verse, second half of the chorus, and bridge were written today. I also cleaned up/screwed up the first verse today. And after posting, I thought of introducing the "leave me alone" line as a repeated refrain type of thing. I had a melody in mind for this Thursday, but I can't remember what it was. I'm thinking this one is actually good, but I'm also thinking that six months from now, I'll look back on it and barf. Any constructive criticism (that is, neither ego stroking nor simple bashing) would be much welcome.

My Condition (Leave Me Alone)
Unheard, I am unheard
Lost in a crowded world today
Wayward, I am wayward
Heedless of the call to to pray
Empty, I am empty
A waste of space, a waste of air
Guilty, you know I'm guilty
And I've waited far too long to share
What's on my heart
What's on my mind

(And) I'm just a foolish, foolish man that You've chosen
Just a lost and hopeless man that You love

Stupid, I am stupid
Unable to comprehend Your truth of love
Timid, so I'm timid
Fearful in my heart of what may come
That comes from You
That comes from me

(And) I'm just a foolish, foolish man that you've chosen
Just a lost and hopeless man that you love
My condition is a source of constant pain to you
I can't see why you wouldn't leave

Leave me alone
Leave me alone

(Leave me alone)
Don't ever let go of me, you know I'd fall, you know I'd bleed
(Leave me alone)
Much like you once bled for me, you know I'd fall, you know I'd see

(That) I'm just a foolish, foolish man that you've chosen
Just a lost and hopeless man that you love
My condition is a source of constant pain to you
I can't see why you wouldn't leave

Leave me alone
Leave me alone

I'm just a foolish, foolish man that You've chosen
Just a lost and hopeless man that You love

Leave me alone...

© 2004 Galen Rappé

[Leboman]

Well....I have now made my presence felt here. A cheap start to what will no doubt be a glorious explosion in posting.

[Braid]

Hello, I am here... I think I shall ditto what the above poster put

[guitarfan01]

haha, thanks Lee and Laura.

And I've been thinking of writing a divorce service. You know how we have church for marriages? I'm going to write something like that for divorces. My parents can be the first ones to use it. That sentence made me feel like upchucking.

Ok, I guess I'm still bitter. I don't want to be. It's not right to be, no matter how "expected" or "natural" you call it, it's not right. But still, it's not the type of bitterness you might expect. Mom has this weird idea that she's "hurting" me in some way, and I suppose she is, but not in the way she means. She's simply demonstrating to me that she isn't a follower of Christ. And Dad is demonstrating much the same thing. He's just a savior to them, not Lord -- and I don't believe you can have one without the other. And that's a bit hard on me, but I don't want to fall away from them -- it's my job to be Christ to them, I think. Not because there's anything special about me except for Christ in me, but that I'm the one who's there, who has the access to both sides, you know?

I don't care if they get back together. I care that they grow up and start worrying about someone other than themselves and (occasionally) their kids. I mean, what about the homeless people? What about other people's kids? The only true love is Christ's love, and I don't think that Mom and Dad have that love for anyone, not even their kids -- Mom has flat out told me that she wouldn't sacrifice her comfort for my spiritual growth, and Dad has told me much the same by his actions.

It's hard having selfish parents. I'm glad they don't beat me or anything, but... And I don't want to outright declare them selfish, because they have housed me for a long time and given me food, and they changed my diapers when they needed changing, and taught me to read, and taught me to appreciate music, and started me on the path of righteousness, but I wonder how much of that was real love, and how much of that was just parental instinct. I mean, all good things in me come through God through my parents, and all the bad things in me have come from my parents, and from my own sinful nature.

I hate to call them evil, because they aren't out robbing banks or being prostitutes, but everything that is not of God is evil, and I feel that, through their actions and words, they have declared that they are no longer of God -- or perhaps never were. I mean, how can two people swear before God that they will be faithful until death do them part, and then split up like this, and still be following Christ? Not to mention the fact that God hates divorce, and that Jesus said that there is no justification for it except for marital unfaithfulness -- and there hasn't been any here, except if you count denying sex to your spouse marital unfaithfulness (I actually think that maybe could count, so Dad might have a case here).

However, I know that I am much more selfish than they are. Oh you hypocrite! Pull the log out of your own eye and then clean the speck from your brother's eye! Not to mention the fact that Paul tells us to exhort our elders "gently, as you would your father," which stabs a pang through my heart -- I've never exhorted even my father gently.

So, in conclusion, although the recent turn of events greatly disturbs me, it's not my parents' actions that really gets me, it's their hearts.

Galen

[Braid]

Hey Galen -- I'll be praying for you, don't get down on yourself for being angry. Anger is natural, just be sure that you don't act out on it.

[tropicana]

Salut, Galen. It's nice to see you back.

I will be praying about your parental situation. Like Laura said, don't put yourself down for being angry about it; it's natural. I wish I could offer more comforting word than these, but I am a poor comforter. I will be praying.