[Micaela]

Brandon...I repeat..wow. These are amazing...I got all shivery, cause I can relate. I really like them...*sniff*
Love ya,
~Rach

[Brandon]

really? you really like them? no way. stop lying!
i've been making them up on the spot...it's kinda wierd huh...


Slowly fading
Ethereal
Surely hating
what I feel
Can you believe
This is real
Will you ever know
How I really feel

[Brandon]

So what happens next?
When does it end?
What do they say
When my soul ascends?
Do you weep at my grave?
Or are you stronger?
Sometimes even the brave,
Are brave no longer
My rope's length is short
My life's weave soon ending
And Fate's sharp retort
Away has me sending

I'm not gone yet
Though soon it may seem
The stone has been set
I've voiced my last scream
Silence is all now
Darkness is near
What happens now
That I'm no longer here?

[SmileAndFollow]

Good stuff! This last one is my favorite so far.

[Ayria]

yes i love the last one brandon-especially the ending

[Brandon]

Living this lie
A dream fantasy
And as I walk by
Your laughter I see
So I'm not like you
Or all the rest

But what you don't see
Is what I feel inside
You don't know me
Or the feelings I hide
Leave me alone now
Just stay away
You've not shown me how
To stop feeling this way

What do you want?
Am I hurting again?
How do you Know?
You see not my pain
One day i'll show you
The scars, and the stains
The ones on my carpet
When the blood quickly came

[Brandon]

So waht can I say?
(I wish I could spell better today)
Boy, this poem
Wasn't meant to
Turn out this way...

So much for that one

[Brandon]

Caution: bridge out
S-Curve ahead
Show me the signs
I don't want to dread
I'm sick of the warnings
The cautions and lies
I'm tired of giving you
Things I despise

[GRibbit]

Originally Posted by Brandon

Living this lie
A dream fantasy
And as I walk by
Your laughter I see
So I'm not like you
Or all the rest

Living this lie
A dream, a fantasy,
As I walk by
Your laughter I see (or hear maybe?)
So I'm not like you
Or all the rest
Does that work? Good stuff.

But what you don't see
Is what I feel inside
You don't know me
Or the feelings I hide
Leave me alone now
Just stay away
You've not shown me how
To stop feeling this way

The only thing I would change is the structure of the last 2 lines to:
You've not shown me
How to stop feeling this way

What do you want?
Am I hurting again?
How do you know?
You see not my pain

I *love* that last line. It fits very nicely into the stanza as a whole.

One day I'll show you
The scars, and the stains
The ones on my carpet
When the blood quickly came

Awesome.

Great job Brandon. I'll critique some more.

[GRibbit]

Originally Posted by Brandon

Screams
In the night
I look around for the source
Blood
Dripping off
Cut not long before
Who
Is crying
Aloud for someone
Why
Are they here?
What do they want?
Wait
Is it me?
Is it my misery?
Stop
Let it go
I wish it could be
Live
Why should I
The pain never stopped

Bleed
Does it hurt
Tell me it can't
Cut
Did I flirt
With death once again?
Black
Surrounds me
I fall to the floor

Where
Am I now
Where was I before
Start
Renew this
Cycle of pain

I *really* like this one. Great!

[Brandon]

Living this lie
A dream, a fantasy,
As I walk by
Your laughter I see (or hear maybe?)
So I'm not like you
Or all the rest
Does that work?

the "and" in the second line was to help with the rythm flow...
i see the laughter to rhyme with fantasy

The only thing I would change is the structure of the last 2 lines to:
You've not shown me
How to stop feeling this way

i know it sounds funny...but it was the only way i could get it to rhyme...grr...
i like rhyme...

[Brandon]

One by one
The tree leaves fall
Heeding slowly
To Autumn's call
And as I sit
Cold in the sun
I watch the change
Time has begun

Meditating
On distant pasts
Hoping they
Will dissappear at last
Tell me when
I'll sleep in peace
Maybe then
I can release

[Brandon]

Is this all
You have to show?
Don't you recall
The blood's dark flow?
You were right there
Next to me that night
But you didn't stop me
Didn't show me what's right
So what happens now
That you've given up
Do you know how
I've struggled to cut?
But what do you do
When you see the blood
You just sit there staring
At the bloody dark flood

[GRibbit]

Originally Posted by Brandon

i know it sounds funny...but it was the only way i could get it to rhyme...grr...
i like rhyme...

I used to like rhyme as well, but on your next poem, maybe try something that doesn't rhyme. Rhyme doesn't necessarily mean "flow", ya dig?

[Anchored]

yo, brandon, this is for you. I was going for happy...but I'm not quite sure if this is really that happy...but yeah, its for you, from me.

ohoh..since you like rhymes...lets see if I can make it rhyme.


The sun rises high
day breaks again
today's a clear sky
there's not even a wind.

Day moves along
stress starts creeping in
you sing a sad song
as the day moves to an end.

Moon's coming up
and you're watching the stars
your hands ache to cut
and theres a pain in your heart.

Who needs the blood
when theres something else
all you need is to come
He'll save you from yourself.

You picked up the phone
and tried to call a friend
but they weren't home
so you cried out to Him.

Tired from the inside-out
and begging for rest
you took it to Him
you passed your own test.

A peace is upon you
as you fall to your dreams
because God above loves you
and will help you through everything.