[Godslilrosebud]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

Once upon a time there was a girl
Who grew up living the modern life
Once again she straddles the line
Between what everyone says and what she knows is right

I love how it starts with "once upon a time." Because that makes it almost fairy-tale-ish. But it works.

Bright-eyed girl, hit the world
But don't let them hold all you know
Bright-eyed girl, you've got a plan
To free yourself from everything you were told
But your soul's been sold

Awesome.

Every day a smile on her face, what a waste
Make haste, keep up the pace of this world
Plastered on the web, her toothy grin for all to see
It's even harder to reach this girl

Wow. What a good description!

(but your soul's been sold)

... to the highest bidder
Collect your money, hit the mall
Spend to your heart's content
The bane of your existance is
It's not the first time nor the last
You'll do it again

Very good wrap up.


You know, as I was reading through this, I thought of Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse. This song seems to summarize their lives perfectly, if you don't mind my saying so.

[hapa_angel]

Massive, almost shameless borrowing from Tony Bennett, but oh well. Lyrics only, though the basic melody/chord progression is in mind.


I miss my home in San Francisco
But not the world the tourists know
No cable cars under fog-covered stars
Just places and faces from ago

I'm longing to see my hometown
From China Beach, the Sunset, to the Bay
Stuck in rush hour traffic going westbound
Take me home to see it all another day

[hapa_angel]

I actually came up with a song chorus the night before last. Imagine that.


We're spinning in circles, awake in a dream
You don't have to speak just to say what you mean
And I'm not so different; no, I am not different at all

Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
Crazier than all the things that I've seen
Nothing is perfect, and I feel so perfectly small


The fun part is, the creative burst came in the middle of reading lyrics to a newly written song by a band called MiGGs. I'm friends with them on Myspace, and as I was reading Don's new blog entry, I think my brain was semi-subconsciously trying to input the lyrics into a chord progression. At about the bridge, my mind wandered and managed to come up with the first half of a chorus on me. Craziness.

I don't have a verse tune or lyric yet, but I do have a couple more disjointed lines for another chorus.


Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
*insert line here*
Nothing that's simple is all that its cracked up to be


I'm thinking "Dizzy" is a good working title for this one.

[taykey]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

I actually came up with a song chorus the night before last. Imagine that.


We're spinning in circles, awake in a dream
You don't have to speak just to say what you mean
And I'm not so different; no, I am not different at all

Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
Crazier than all the things that I've seen
Nothing is perfect, and I feel so perfectly small

I'm thinking "Dizzy" is a good working title for this one.

i like that it's really good

[hapa_angel]

I now have a verse and a prechorus, or at least half of a verse. Probably first half. It just feels like it needs to be fleshed out more, musically and lyrically.

BTW, this is in 6/8. I don't think I mentioned that before.


Years are so fleeting
Seasons escape into time
I don't know what has meaning/ Anymore


Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid


We're spinning in circles, awake in a dream
You don't have to speak just to say what you mean
And I'm not so different; no, I am not different at all

Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
Crazier than all the things that I've seen
Nothing is perfect, and I feel so perfectly small



Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
*insert line here*
Nothing that's simple is all that its cracked up to be

[hapa_angel]

Can you believe I actually wrote something, for once? And it was more of this song. So here goes.

--------------

Years are so fleeting
Seasons escape into time
I don't know what has meaning/ Anymore

Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid


We're spinning in circles, awake in a dream
You don't have to speak just to say what you mean
And I'm not so different; no, I am not different at all

Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
Crazier than all the things that I've seen
Nothing is perfect, and I feel so perfectly small


Things aren't so different
But everything seems like it's changed
Heaven forbid we understand

Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid... of it all


Spinning in circles, deciphering lies
You don't have to make sense whenever you try
Nothing that's simple is all that its cracked up to be

Spinning in circles, upside down
I can't decipher a smile from a frown
Everyone's crazy, but then again, same with me



------


I think I need another couple of ending choruses and this one's set.

Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller?

[hapa_angel]

So, I finished this. Here's the rest. I'll be attaching a crappy quick recording I did after I fix one part.


--------

Years are so fleeting
Seasons escape into time
I don't know what has meaning/ Anymore

Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid



We're spinning in circles, awake in a dream
You don't have to speak just to say what you mean
And I'm not so different; no, I am not different at all

Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
Crazier than all the things that I've seen
Nothing is perfect, and I feel so perfectly small



Things aren't so different
But everything seems like it's changed
Heaven forbid we understand

Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid... of it all



Spinning in circles, deciphering lies
You don't have to make sense whenever you try
Nothing that's simple is all that its cracked up to be

Spinning in circles, upside down
I can't decipher a smile from a frown
Everyone's crazy, not unlike you and me




Moving faster, coming to a head
All the laughter, all the things you said
Failed to notice whispers in my ear
Now it makes sense as long as you're here



Spinning in circles, just because
I can't go back to the way that it was
Not anymore now that I have a purpose to me

Spinning in circles, dizzier still
Going along with it just for the thrill
Don't even mind if my head and my heart don't agree

[hapa_angel]

Well, so much for fixing that one part. I sang "my heart and my heart don't agree" accidentally at the end, mixed it down and saved it, and then I had just fixed the vocals when my hard drive died. I got the original mp3 back at least, so here that is. I do intend to reinstall the TASCAM drivers and get a good recording out sometime soon.


Anyway. *attaches file*

[walkwjc]

I think this is the first time I have ever just full out gave constructive criticism to a song, so remember, my opinion doesn't count much .

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

Years are so fleeting
Seasons escape into time
I don't know what has meaning/ Anymore

I like this introduction.

Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid

I don't really like 'I'm under the weather'. I can't really give you a reason, except that I don't think it fits. I'd suggest something like 'Can't hold it together' . Just feels more right to me.

We're spinning in circles, awake in a dream
You don't have to speak just to say what you mean
And I'm not so different; no, I am not different at all

Spinning in circles, wanting to scream
Crazier than all the things that I've seen
Nothing is perfect, and I feel so perfectly small

I absolutely love the Chorus here. Spinning in circles is a great hook.

Things aren't so different
But everything seems like it's changed
Heaven forbid we understand

I like this.

Now more than ever
I'm under the weather
Afraid... of it all

Same here as above.

Spinning in circles, deciphering lies
You don't have to make sense whenever you try
Nothing that's simple is all that its cracked up to be

Spinning in circles, upside down
I can't decipher a smile from a frown
Everyone's crazy, not unlike you and me

Again, the Chorus is great. I love the way you change it up. The second half of this chorus is amazing. I love the 'upside down, can't decipher a smile from a frown' part. Great description.

Moving faster, coming to a head
All the laughter, all the things you said
Failed to notice whispers in my ear
Now it makes sense as long as you're here

Smooth transition to bring it around.

Spinning in circles, just because
I can't go back to the way that it was
Not anymore now that I have a purpose to me

Spinning in circles, dizzier still
Going along with it just for the thrill
Don't even mind if my head and my heart don't agree

Great how you turned it all around. Good close.


A for the recording. I think you need a better mic...or I need better speakers.

As you know, I love your voice. The thing that struck me about this song, compared to some of your other work was the lack of low parts. You have an amazing voice, but I think the part that gives me goose bumps are the parts like the last word on the first and third verses (Anymore and understand) when you drop down into that throaty tone inflection. If you could take down parts of the verse an octave and then bring it back up during the verse, or drop the entire song a step, then I think it would have more distinction.

Overall I loved it.

[Art]

Better mic. she recorded with the built in mic on the old dell.

[hapa_angel]

Originally Posted by Art

Better mic. she recorded with the built in mic on the old dell.

Haha. Yeah.

I reinstalled the TASCAM drivers on the wiped lappy and have been messing with recording the last few days. Maybe after the superbowl I'll get a new recording of Dizzy in. I won't have time tonight or the rest of the weekend, sadly.



Thank you for the critique, Donnie. I rarely get comments in here, so a full-on critique is very much appreciated.

I'm not too sure if I'll change the prechorus now. I had a reason for using "under the weather" at the time... unfortunately I can't seem to remember it now. But I had a reason. I swear. *chuckle*

Maybe once I get a better recording out I'll sound better on the lower notes. I'm not too sure about that though, because my voice has been atrophying from lack of use these last few years. I can't sing all that high anymore. That song about hits my upper range now. I really, really need to work on that. I am not a true alto, though I can sing in alto range, so totally losing my soprano notes would be a tragedy.

[walkwjc]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

I'm not too sure if I'll change the prechorus now. I had a reason for using "under the weather" at the time... unfortunately I can't seem to remember it now. But I had a reason. I swear. *chuckle*

Don't get me wrong, it sounds good. That was just one lyric I would have changed.

Maybe once I get a better recording out I'll sound better on the lower notes. I'm not too sure about that though, because my voice has been atrophying from lack of use these last few years. I can't sing all that high anymore. That song about hits my upper range now. I really, really need to work on that. I am not a true alto, though I can sing in alto range, so totally losing my soprano notes would be a tragedy.

I think you misunderstood me. The low notes sound good, like really good. I think there should be more of them. That sound is what sets you apart, in my opinion. You have a great soprano sound and your occasional jaunt into the alto range is awesome.

That makes sense about the mic, not to mention that I played it back on the built in speakers of my dell.