[mattslope]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

New snippet. Unfinished. And untitled as of yet.


In a world of concrete evidence
I find myself incomplete

I got used to disillusion
And swallowed all the lies

Now I see that I was living
in a candy-coated, homogenized
paradise

I would like to hear an intro on this. And some percussion.

I approve thus far...

[hapa_angel]

Haha. The latter, I have no access to, and the former, I am stumped on currently.


But thanks.

[hapa_angel]

It's been awhile, hasn't it.





Here's what I'm working on as of late.


Lonesome Creek

Stormy weather, been like this for weeks
the sky looks exactly as I feel tonight
a leftover raindrop spills onto my cheek
to make up for tears I can't bring myself to cry

doesn't anyone care anymore
or at least pretend they did
not like they even bothered before
just an elaborate masquerade

I'm five miles up lonesome creek
long since lost my oar
I'm drifting faster than I can see
who knows what's on the other shore

*insert second verse here*

I thought I wrote you off long ago
so why are you trapped in my mind
so many reasons for me to say no
but somehow I sill want you in my life

I'm ten miles up lonesome creek
long since lost my way
*stuck on a line*
maybe I'll find you someday

*insert bridge or instrumental break here*

I'm twenty miles up lonesome creek
... (etc.)

[hapa_angel]

Please, someone tear into that last post. I am stuck and want critiques.

[hapa_angel]

*bump*


Comment, PLEASE. Tell me it's crap, if you must. But comment. Or this is getting clopsed.

[SupaNova]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

Comment, PLEASE. Tell me it's crap, if you must. But comment. Or this is getting clopsed.

Sorry you needed to take such drastic measures, as you probably already know, the SW forum gets pretty slow traffic.

Stormy weather, been like this for weeks
the sky looks exactly as I feel tonight
a leftover raindrop spills onto my cheek
to make up for tears I can't bring myself to cry

Nice intro, especially the last two lines. It's the good ole' tear-running-down-a-cheek cliche, but twisted around with the raindrop image, cool.

doesn't anyone care anymore
or at least pretend they did
not like they even bothered before
just an elaborate masquerade

Well, it starts sounding more vague in this section. Maybe presenting more of a specific situation might help.

I'm five miles up lonesome creek
long since lost my oar
I'm drifting faster than I can see
who knows what's on the other shore

The chorus kind of has a acoustic/folk to it, which I assume is the music direction you're kind of heading. It's simple but I like it, goes along pretty well with the imagery you set up in the intro.

I thought I wrote you off long ago
so why are you trapped in my mind
so many reasons for me to say no
but somehow I sill want you in my life

More good lines, but the first one kinda bugs me a little. Instead of "writing you off", maybe something about the other person leaving, it might work better with the next line about being trapped in your mind. Of course, maybe I'm just an idiot who thinks too much about lyrics, the choice is yours

I'd really like to read the complete song whenever you get a chance to finish it.

[hapa_angel]

Thank you for commenting. I know I'm not the only one who looks at my thread, and I post stuff in here because I want it to be seen and commented on.


I abandoned that song for the time being due to lack of direction/ideas, and I wanted help on it but got none. I'll get back to it another day with your suggestions, and hopefully have a more finished product to post.



For now.. here's the stuff I've been holding out on you guys. Coming right up....

[hapa_angel]

(verse 1)
Sometimes things can be so crazy
I feel my life is just a mess
Don't wanna wake and start a new day
Only to find I've overslept

Sometimes I feel I'm being childish
I try to do my grownup things
When everything falls into pieces
Then I need the happiness you bring

(chorus)
I don't need to try to be someone that I'm not
You love who I am
I don't know where I would go to find another you
Someone who understands

(verse 2)
Sometimes I don't wanna fight back
Stare down the demons that I face
Then you remind me that you love me
And suddenly, it's all okay

Sometimes I don't feel so pretty
Don't think I'm good enough for you
But still you say you don't deserve me
And that's part of why I love you, too

(bridge)
When I'm about to lose my mind
That's when you comfort me
And tell me it's all right



(yes, this is sort of a pop-crap-ish song. well, maybe it can be prettied up a bit...)

[hapa_angel]

(verse 1)
I watched you breathe again
Your chest rise and fall
The air flowed out and in
While I couldn't talk
I had nothing to say
It was no use
I was just too afraid
Paralyzed by you

(chorus 1)
Don't you know what you did to me
When you caught my eye
Heal me of this lovesickness
That I caught tonight

(verse 2)
Every day's a struggle
Not to let you know
If you found out how I feel
It would be my end, I'm sure
Every night I toss and turn
Lie awake in bed
All my dreams, they are of you
Can't get you from my head

(chorus 2)
Don't you know what you did to me
When you looked my way
Help me cure my lovesickness
Seems it's here to stay

(bridge)
And when our eyes meet
Everything else fades to grey
When I get to see your face
Suddenly it's all okay

(key change)
(quick instrument break)
(end chorus)
Heaven knows what you do to me
Every time you smile
I've come down with lovesickness
It's been here awhile

Don't know how I got this lucky
Didn't even try
Now you've caught my lovesickness
It's in your eyes
(instrumental fade out)

[Art]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

(verse 1)
Sometimes things can be so crazy
I feel my life is just a mess
Don't wanna wake and start a new day
Only to find I've overslept

Sometimes I feel I'm being childish
I try to do my grownup things
When everything falls into pieces
Then I need the happiness you bring

(chorus)
I don't need to try to be someone that I'm not
You love who I am
I don't know where I would go to find another you
Someone who understands

(verse 2)
Sometimes I don't wanna fight back
Stare down the demons that I face
Then you remind me that you love me
And suddenly, it's all okay

Sometimes I don't feel so pretty
Don't think I'm good enough for you
But still you say you don't deserve me
And that's part of why I love you, too

(bridge)
When I'm about to lose my mind
That's when you comfort me
And tell me it's all right



(yes, this is sort of a pop-crap-ish song. well, maybe it can be prettied up a bit...)

Some sort of pop-crap-ish songs are among my favorites.

Not every song has to be deep and intricate.

Plus, I like it. So there.

[Art]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

(verse 1)
I watched you breathe again
Your chest rise and fall
The air flowed out and in
While I couldn't talk
I had nothing to say
It was no use
I was just too afraid
Paralyzed by you

(chorus 1)
Don't you know what you did to me
When you caught my eye
Heal me of this lovesickness
That I caught tonight

(verse 2)
Every day's a struggle
Not to let you know
If you found out how I feel
It would be my end, I'm sure
Every night I toss and turn
Lie awake in bed
All my dreams, they are of you
Can't get you from my head

(chorus 2)
Don't you know what you did to me
When you looked my way
Help me cure my lovesickness
Seems it's here to stay

(bridge)
And when our eyes meet
Everything else fades to grey
When I get to see your face
Suddenly it's all okay

(key change)
(quick instrument break)
(end chorus)
Heaven knows what you do to me
Every time you smile
I've come down with lovesickness
It's been here awhile

Don't know how I got this lucky
Didn't even try
Now you've caught my lovesickness
It's in your eyes
(instrumental fade out)

The imagery your lyrics convey is pretty stunning to me. I can not seem to manage that when writing songs.

[hapa_angel]

Originally Posted by Art

Some sort of pop-crap-ish songs are among my favorites.

Not every song has to be deep and intricate.

Plus, I like it. So there.

Originally Posted by Art

The imagery your lyrics convey is pretty stunning to me. I can not seem to manage that when writing songs.

Haha. Thanks.



I forgot to post two more songs that I also finished writing since I posted Lonesome Creek and was waiting for comments. Posting.

[hapa_angel]

(verse 1)
Somewhere between hello and maybe
I lost myself to you
Your boyish charms worked wonderfully
Better than I even knew

(chorus)
And I've fallen, fallen
I don't wanna get up
Would you catch me, catch me
I'm nearly to my knees
You got me crawlin', crawlin'
Dying for a taste of you
Boy, you got me beggin' please

(verse 2)
Hold on, wait up, just a minute now
I never was the type
To go running out and chasing down every single guy
That I sorta liked
But now you've got me wrapped around your finger
With your foot in the door
And every single step I take takes me deeper
Crying out for more

(chorus)
(instrumental break)
(chorus twice)

[hapa_angel]

(verse 1)
Rain falls as I mourn
Watching my heart slowly rip in two
Right before my eyes
The ever-present memories of
All the time I spent with you
Are anything but nice

(prechorus 1)
Oh, what a gift naivete is
Bestowed upon the most unwitting fools
Now I'm collecting all the pieces
That you threw about after you used

(chorus)
"I'm gonna be just fine"
I say as I lose my mind
You don't understand
But you know you're out of line
Telling me it's quite all right
Don't offer me your hand

(verse 2)
An old worn-out melody
Plays in my head as I toss and turn
Another sleepless night
And all this time I wondered
What and where and why and when you'd ever learn
How to say goodbye

(prechorus 2)
Oh, what idiotic choices
We made when we each wanted our own way
Now they've brought us far from where our joy is
Long since lost our reasons to stay

(chorus)
"I'm gonna be just fine"
I say as I lose my mind
You don't understand
But you know you're out of line
Telling me it's quite all right
Don't offer me your hand

(bridge)
Just be a man, take a stand
Do the right thing while you can
And get far away from me
We are done, over and gone
We've been crying for too long
Over a thing that cannot be

(prechorus 3)
I hope you don't think about us
When you try to go to sleep tonight
Sure, it's easier to reminisce
I know because I'll be awake all night

(chorus 2x)
"I'm gonna be just fine"
I say as I lose my mind
You don't understand
But you know you're out of line
Telling me it's quite all right
Don't offer me your hand
"I'm gonna be just fine"
I say as I lose my mind
You don't understand
But you know you're out of line
Telling me it's quite all right
Don't offer me your hand


(clip.)

[Art]

Originally Posted by hapa_angel

(verse 1)
Somewhere between hello and maybe
I lost myself to you
Your boyish charms worked wonderfully
Better than I even knew

(chorus)
And I've fallen, fallen
I don't wanna get up
Would you catch me, catch me
I'm nearly to my knees
You got me crawlin', crawlin'
Dying for a taste of you
Boy, you got me beggin' please

(verse 2)
Hold on, wait up, just a minute now
I never was the type
To go running out and chasing down every single guy
That I sorta liked
But now you've got me wrapped around your finger
With your foot in the door
And every single step I take takes me deeper
Crying out for more

(chorus)
(instrumental break)
(chorus twice)

How many writing styles do you have, anyhow?

All I really have to say is that I am eagerly anticipating hearing these three songs.