[Micaela]

I know He doesn't
but sometimes I forget
that I have a purpose
and a plan
for my life
I forget my goals
my ambitions
my hopes
I just want to
turn back the clock
and be happy again
but every memory
brings pain
and I can't help
but blame myself
for each and every
instance
that I can't explain

why......

[Micaela]

Loud music
laughing men
she smiles coyly
and taps the bottom
of her four inch spike
A fat man comes
over
a greedy smile
on his pasty cheeks
Disgust rises in her
throat,
but a job is a job,
right?
Moments later
she is back at
her game
practiced
and practiced
to the point where
she looks beautiful
in spite of her
cold eyes
and shaky appearance.
She is enticing
reguardless of her cheap clothes
and heavy perfume
and she seems like
a happy escape
although her smile fades
and her motions
are indifferent.

She takes a break
an hour later
to fix her hair
and take a breather.
She stares in the mirror
and wonders
what her mother
would think
if she saw her now?
But then she shrugs,
"Momma doesn't care,
she couldn't find one good
word to say to me,
I am no good for anything
but this."

And she leaves the bathroom
back to her square
on the countertop
back to her fear
of the men at the door
back to her measly
exsistence

if that mother only knew
the impact her words
had had....


okay, don't flip out guys, this has not a single thing to do with me...kk? *grin* okay.

[GRibbit]

Intermeresterling. YES that is a real word.

[Micaela]

haha..yeah, well...

[Micaela]

Seeing your face tonight
didn't surprise me at all
and when you didn't
say hi
I wasn't surprised
either.
Who you are now
is not the you
I knew
so I really don't
connect the two
You are like a dream
I see you laughing
and the smile
so familiar
and yet
so different.
I no longer understand
my own feelings
maybe I never have
Maybe I have been
lying to myself
just so I had something
to think about
But I always wonder
what if I did know
what I thought
my heart was saying
and what if
you meant even
one word you
said?
Then maybe I
could forget
and move on,
if i knew for sure
the real reason
why.

But I wasn't angry
when you never even
said....goodbye.

[Micaela]

the carpet is stained...you stare in confusion. Thoughts whirling in your head. What if...what if...but there are never any answers. Will there ever be? Probably not. That shirt got clean. Thank goodness for that. Don't worry, I don't think she even noticed...but you still remember...can't even wear that shirt anymore. ha, you are such a freak. That clock...another memory. But of something different. You never look at it...but you will never get rid of it. What about that notebook? Disgust rises every time you look at it...well, not every time...sometimes sadness, or anger. Never good feelings, you know that. But do you get rid of it? No...in fact, it is in your bed. You see it all the time. I have never understood you. But, maybe I do. I mean, feelings run deep, so it takes a while to chisel them away. Takes forever to sew up rips and holes, to pour concrete in infections. Then finally, one day, it is done, and you forget who you were, and face the future with more weight, but less feeling. But for you, it hasn't happened yet. You are close, but, something keeps pulling you back. You curse the day you let yourself fail...again. You just can't get over failures. Must be hard for you since you are one. haha. Yeah, I am laughing at you again. It is easier than pity...cause then I would actually have to feel for you. Sometimes I feel pity...see you wallowing, bleeding, crying. Nice little picture you make. But you know it never does any good. Not for you or anyone else. But, you do it anyway. You are such a human. So inpractical, illogical. Whatever. I am ready to give up on you. Just when you start making progress...you fail ME. I mean, come on, can't you do anything right? Just think about it...yeah, I know you do, you sit for hours going over and over your failures, how you have messed up, let someone down. Ha, and then you get so depressed you can't think. You know you don't deserve love from anyone, you don't understand why people do. Hello? God made you, there has to be something right. I mean, you are pitiful, and sinful, but you can be likeable. That is if you can drag yourself out of your self-pity long enough to smile. Yeah, there's one...don't see that often. It's only cause you are on the phone. Up, it's gone. They got serious on you. There's that familiar scowl...oh yeah. Well, I guess I can leave you alone now...why don't you try talking to someone today instead of going off by yourself again? Gee...what a novel idea! I'm going to go get some sleep...you tire me out...

[Brandon]

was that a direct punch in the face?

*falls back from the blow...head reeling*

[Brandon]

I know it's me
don't say it's not
I know that I
Don't know what to do
But that doens't mean
That I try for you
And every time
I try to bring
Myself from this
Bloody circus ring
I take another
blow to the chest
or heart, or face,
and again fail the test

But don't tell me that you
Give up on me now
Don't give me the view
Of letting you down
Don't I still try
To calm your deep fears
Don't I attempt
to soak up your tears

It's not my fault...
it's...my fault...

i'm sorry...

[Micaela]

You can't fathom
my present feelings
my shock at reading your
words
it hurts so much
that you think
that I would talk
like that
to you
My love for you runs
so deep
I would never
try and hurt you that
way
I am soo sry you thought
I was talking to you
when it was me
I was referring too.
and I am almost crying
cause I re-read it
and I can see your shock
if you applied it
to yourself

I'm sry

I am sooo sry...

[Brandon]

No..cause in a way
It has to be
about the days
i failed to be
a friend to you
and missed the calls
when you needed me to
help you out
of your deepest pits
calm your pains
repair the slits
that each emotional
blade has torn
rendered into
your heart forlorn

Just when you start making progress...you fail ME. I mean, come on, can't you do anything right? Just think about it...yeah, I know you do, you sit for hours going over and over your failures, how you have messed up, let someone down. Ha, and then you get so depressed you can't think. You know you don't deserve love from anyone, you don't understand why people do.

and yet i read
this once again
those so few lines
of so much pain
and then i think
that maybe this
was meant for me
not to miss
because then I
would never know
the deepest feelings
that you show

and how they
prtray even me
and how i
try not to be

So say not
that this is mine
for in reality
it is...all mine...

[Ayria]

brandon she didn't mean it for you..it may SOUND like it, but really, she didn't, lol

[Brandon]

i know
she told me...but it really sounds like it...

it does...

[Anchored]

good thing it wasn't then. I think it could probably be applied to a lot of people. But Rachel is too nice to write something that mean about anyone but herself...she needs to get nicer to herself too.

I is bossy.

anyways, nice poems Rach.

[Micaela]

sry...I really am...I sat there writing it...and I just let my inner thoughts flow..this is how the little voice in my head talks...I hear this stuff all day long...I just felt like expressing it for once..I guess, since in a way we are alike...you took them personally...but, the only time I thought of you in this, is when I talked about the smile appearing...cause you always make me smile when I am on the phone with you. That quote you have above...I fail myself a lot...and that is so torturous to me...I go over every failure over and over and over, what I did wrong, what I should have done...so,

You fail ME. Can't you do anything right?

okay...this runs through my head daily...over and over...it is just so...yeah...I hate myself sometimes...that little demon that taunts me and screams at me and laughs at me....

[Brandon]

i know rach...


i know...