[just_a_friend]

Why do you hate
When love is in hand
Unconditional, no judgment
Just there for its own sake?

You never understood
Nor will you ever understand
You are too busy
Trying to prove some ridiculous point.

I have always known
For I can read between the lines
It never really mattered to me
But you never gave me the chance

Hatred is not becoming
I know that somewhere inside
There is a spark of goodness
A lightness of being

You are my friend
You were never my enemy
But you declared a war
Over some principle I never knew

Life is never as it seems
It twists and turns in many directions
But the one constant in all things is
love, unconditional with no judgment.

It is never perfect, nothing is,
For perfection is in the eyes of God
But it is as perfect as it can be
When two people are friends.

[Skeeter]

Just a tip. It's general courtesy to read and critique a poem for every one you post. Also, it would be best if you spaced out each poem you post rather than posting a large group of them at once.

As for this poem, it seems pretty good. Nice topic choice and you've said some good things. However, the different stanzas don't seem to flow very well together. You need some transition points from stanza to stanza, or else it just seems like you've put some random stanzas together simply because they're all on the same theme.

~Daniel

[just_a_friend]

Originally Posted by Skeeter

Just a tip. It's general courtesy to read and critique a poem for every one you post.

I apologize, I read everything...I'm a bit shy about giving critiques, but I shall do my best.

Also, it would be best if you spaced out each poem you post rather than posting a large group of them at once.

I was inspired all of a sudden today with a lot of things. It is like they popped into my head and I had to write them before I forgot. I don't write too often, so pardon my lack of board etiquette. Would it perhaps have been better had I posted them all in one thread?

As for this poem, it seems pretty good. Nice topic choice and you've said some good things.

Thanks.

However, the different stanzas don't seem to flow very well together. You need some transition points from stanza to stanza, or else it just seems like you've put some random stanzas together simply because they're all on the same theme.

I shall work on it and see what I can do. In the meantime, why not give me an example with one stanza flowing to the other? Then I can see what you mean. If you don't want to write it, then maybe you could give me a hint. Thanks.

[Skeeter]

I simply mean a connection of thought from one stanza to another. In a poem that tells a story, often the connection is simply one of time and place. The story travels from one destination to another. It's a little harder in thematic poems, but there should still be some connection from stanza to stanza. It could be one of form. Each stanza could take a similar form, with parallel lines that show a progression of thought.

Progression and connection of thought. Hard to explain, and I don't really have anything offhand that demonstrates it.

Posting all your poems in one thread can work, but it's often a better idea to just save the other poems and post your best one on one day, wait a couple days and post the next. You're more likely to get critique when you space them out.

[just_a_friend]

The poem I cannot rewrite for it is what is, but I shall add this one...

I have seen more tragedy in my short life than I care to know. It has found its way into my living room, my friendships, my job and my life...to deal with the tragedies (one being a boyfriend who took his life looking at the end of a gun) has taken its toll and NONE of it was fabrication. A strong worldly person, it has left me saddened and disheartened with a spirit trying desparately to mend the wounds of others where others have so bitterly stabbed and, yet, I too find myself doing the very same thing for which I fight against. It was never intentional but out of fear and my own imprisonment. I can do no more but to be silent forever, for words are bitter pills to some and real truth (vs. Truth) is hard for others to reveal. I shall move forward doing what little I can to bring a smile to a face tortured with pain...but for now - the lock has been keyed, I shall merely go through motions... for actions speak louder than words. Mother Theresa proved that one.


Thank you folks. Rest in the Peace of Christ, all things shall come to you accordingly, in its proper time and place. Love to all (even if I haven't met you)

[Ayria]

Why do you hate
When love is in hand
Unconditional, no judgment
Just there for its own sake?

pretty good, the last line seems kinda long though. maybe take out the 'just'.

You never understood
Nor will you ever understand
You are too busy
Trying to prove some ridiculous point.

good.

I have always known
For I can read between the lines
It never really mattered to me
But you never gave me the chance

i don't really like the last line. maybe change it to..uh i'm thinking. i can't think of anything good, but is there anything else you could change it to? otherwise-good.

Hatred is not becoming
I know that somewhere inside
There is a spark of goodness
A lightness of being

good.

You are my friend
You were never my enemy
But you declared a war
Over some principle I never knew

nice, i like that part.

Life is never as it seems
It twists and turns in many directions
But the one constant in all things is
love, unconditional with no judgment.

the last line again is kinda choppy. maybe make it "is love, unconditional." or "is love, with no judgment." just with both in there it sounds kinda much. otherwise, good.

It is never perfect, nothing is,
For perfection is in the eyes of God
But it is as perfect as it can be
When two people are friends.

good ending i also like the extra thing you added in the above post..

[GRibbit]

Just a note before I start....if you want critique be willing to change it otherwise there's not much point of posting it Then again, if you just want to post them for people to read...awesome.
NOW.....

Originally Posted by just_a_friend

Why do you hate
When love is in hand
Unconditional, no judgment
Just there for its own sake?

The last line doesn't really seem to fit. Try playing around and find something that does. The rest I like though.

You never understood
Nor will you ever understand
You are too busy
Trying to prove some ridiculous point.
I have always known
For I can read between the lines
It never really mattered to me
But you never gave me the chance

I really like this stanza...it kind of shows different tenses...kind of flipping back and forth a bit. I like that. Only thing I'd change is the second-to-last line, it doesn't really seem to fit in with the rest of the stanza. Good job.

Hatred is not becoming
I know that somewhere inside
There is a spark of goodness
A lightness of being

Good.

You are my friend
You were never my enemy
But you declared a war
Over some principle I never knew

I really like this stanza. Nothing to change.

Life is never as it seems
It twists and turns in many directions
But the one constant in all things is
love, unconditional with no judgment.

I also really like this stanza as well. Good substance.

It is never perfect, nothing is,
For perfection is in the eyes of God
But it is as perfect as it can be
When two people are friends.

Doesn't flow as well as some of the others but good.

Something I want to point out, though I like this poem and I think you have a nice vision, is that all the stanzas dont really flow with one another. Try, maybe, changing some of the lines, adding in some lines to cause a better flow from one stanza to another.