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Unread 01-06-2004, 10:33 PM   #1
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...untitled musings... (why does no one RC? *cries*)

Why are there two mes?
The one who wants to "face reality"-
and the one who can't bear to let go
and wants to pour the contents
of her soul
upon unsuspecting blog junkies
who read her thoughts at 2 A.M.,
wondering who she is.
The me who desperately wants
to do what must ultimately be done
and let you go-
and the me
who could never do that
because clinging to false hops
is somehow satisfying
and much more drama-inductive
than simply giving up
and moving on;
because a known unhappiness
seems somehow better
than a life without
this familiar
self-torture.


________________________
I'd like comments please.

__________________
it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com

Last edited by hapa_angel; 02-12-2004 at 01:32 AM.
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Unread 01-07-2004, 11:16 PM   #2
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Umm, gee thanks for not replying anyone...
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it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com
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Unread 01-08-2004, 04:19 AM   #3
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1) You'll probably want to give it longer than 45 minutes before you start expecting comments. This place isn't exactly the most bustling forum on CGR.

2) If you want your poem critiqued, you should probably include an "(RC)" in the title of your thread; this stands for "Ruthless Criticism," and, well, it will get you just that (constructive crticism, though, mind you).

Assuming that criticism is what you're looking for, I'll go ahead and offer my thoughts.

First of all, a lot of it seems really cliché—"face reality," "can't bear to let go," "clinging to false hopes"—these are all phrases that are far overused, and all-in-all, they're just uninteresting. Secondly...to be honest, this doesn't even really seem like a poem. It seems more like a collection of random thoughts, split up into different lines to give it an awkward sense of rhythm. There's no poetic imagery, no metaphors, no analogies...there's no real substance to captivate the reader's attention. There's nothing memorable or interesting about it. Uses of some metaphors or analogies, some clever rhymes, a better sense of structure and rhythm...any of these could go a long way toward improving the poem.

Keep it up! I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Unread 01-08-2004, 03:18 PM   #4
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*I waited a whole day! *


comments= yes
"ruthless critisicm"= umm....

From what "ruthless critisicm" I've received in the past, I don't exactly think I want that towards anything I write... so I refuse to use a term which is so vague, it could be misinterpreted by outsiders. (This is why I write. I can be more vague in my own thoughts. )

But what you gave= comments, at least to me.

Thank you!
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it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com
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Unread 01-08-2004, 03:33 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hapa_angel
*I waited a whole day! *
Oh, oops. Sorry, I paid more attention to the times on the posts than the dates.

Quote:
comments= yes
"ruthless critisicm"= umm....

From what "ruthless critisicm" I've received in the past, I don't exactly think I want that towards anything I write... so I refuse to use a term which is so vague, it could be misinterpreted by outsiders. (This is why I write. I can be more vague in my own thoughts. )
Eh, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I've posted a few RCs on here, and I've never gotten anything horribly harsh.

Quote:
But what you gave= comments, at least to me.

Thank you!
No problem! I'm glad I didn't offend you.
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Unread 01-08-2004, 04:33 PM   #6
Follows trends...
 
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I dont think I've ever seen the phrase "blog junkie" used in a poem before. I think that Danny pretty much got everything that I could see. Although I disagree about there being no poetic form to it. I like random thoughts, and it all seems to fit together, but still a little cliche. More?
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Unread 01-08-2004, 11:52 PM   #7
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Just kidding- this one's TITLED!

Broken Glass

I see broken glass
in the middle of a busy intersection
and it reminds me of you;
the shattered fragments are
destined to lie on the pavement
for an eternity or more
until they become
part of the road.
Like the glass, my heart has been broken
by my shattered dreams
of you and me- us- together.
But still you remain on my mind
as the iridescent pieces of glass
remain on the road.
As the glass is worn into the street,
becoming a permanent part of it,
so it was with you-
you have become an eternal
resident in my heart
and I'm not about to kick you out.
No matter how far away you are,
you will always be a part of me.
Looking back at the glass in the street,
I think once more about you
and realize
just how blessed I am
to have realized this
before it had become
much too late
to truly understand it all
and tell you how I feel
__________________
it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com
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Unread 01-09-2004, 01:34 AM   #8
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[QUOTE=hapa_angel]Broken Glass


Quote:
the shattered fragments are
destined to lie on the pavement
for an eternity or more
until they become
part of the road.
The opening is good. Imagery and all that is very nice. I think this could flow better if you removed the "are" and changed the "part of" to "one with." Just my opinion.
Quote:
Like the glass, my heart has been broken
by my shattered dreams
of you and me- us- together.
But still you remain on my mind
as the iridescent pieces of glass
remain on the road.
You could take this out or leave it in. I personally like it better out.

Quote:
As the glass is worn into the street,
becoming a permanent part of it,
so it was with you-
you have become an eternal
resident in my heart
and I'm not about to kick you out.
No matter how far away you are,
you will always be a part of me.
Looking back at the glass in the street,
I think once more about you
and realize
just how blessed I am
to have realized this
before it had become
much too late
to truly understand it all

and tell you how I feel
This whole section seems off. Maybe its just the two uses of realise. You could try to change the second one to "seen" or "grasped" or something like that. It could work if you just removed it all together. I dont know how vital it is to you though. It is YOUR poem. I liked the imagery in it, good job. This is all assuming you still want comments or critique.
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Unread 01-09-2004, 08:33 AM   #9
look. look at that girl.
 
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don't use the word 'glass' so much. it gets to be redundant.
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Unread 01-10-2004, 06:48 PM   #10
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Thanx for comments/critiques, all... I don't intend to change anything in the poems I've already set in stone, but I will definitely keep them in mind for future writings. I wrote "Glass" a long time ago- 5 years, actually... sheesh - but for the same guy as the previous poem, which I wrote last week. *I guess some things never change...*
Here's another one for you to look at... *next post*
__________________
it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com
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Unread 01-10-2004, 06:55 PM   #11
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Untitled #2

That's IT! I've HAD it!
I must expel you from my heart!

But how? Your
Presence permeates my every
Stream of thought; every single
Skipped heartbeat is
Your fault.
The sole reason I even give
Voice to my suppressed
Emotions
Is because I can't
Bring myself
To thrust them upon you.
No, maybe you're
Not the most deserving of
My feelings.
But you got them
Anyway-
And what have I
Obtained from you in
Return?

I'm still
Searching for it.
__________________
it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com
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Unread 01-16-2004, 05:59 PM   #12
Follows trends...
 
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This one is good. Theres not really any meter, but thats okay.

Quote:
The sole reason I even give
Voice to my suppressed
Emotions
Is because I can't
Bring myself
To thrust them upon you
I really liked that bit. Keep it up.
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Unread 01-22-2004, 09:49 PM   #13
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(this one's titled too!)

Umm... this one's a bit... dark... heh.


Goodbye (plz RC)<PRE>Cold-<br> joints permanently locked<br> in place<br>Breath escaped,<br> lifeblood falling,<br> leaking slowly into<br> the void<br>Through the cracks<br> I can hear your crying<br> sobbing over<br> my state<br>But I can't open<br> my eyes<br> to see you mourning<br>It's too late now<br> and it's all your fault<br>After all your lies<br> you lost your chance<br> to tell me<br> how much I really<br> meant to you<br>But don't worry, you'll get over it<br> just like I got over you</PRE>


*Awww, it didn't catch the spaces.... -fixing that.*
__________________
it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com

Last edited by hapa_angel; 02-12-2004 at 01:30 AM.
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Unread 01-23-2004, 09:15 AM   #14
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sounds like something from def poetry jam.
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Unread 01-24-2004, 05:50 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigpirate
sounds like something from def poetry jam.
LOL!
I didn't mean for it to be......... heh.


Lost (plz RC)
suffocating in vast darkness
intense emotion surges through my veins as
I glance around, hoping for a sight, a sign
of life, anything indicating
that I do not exist alone
Silence deafening,
torturous to my mind as I ponder
what to do now
unknowledgeable as I am, I assume
that if I could get myself into
this hellhole,
surely I can get myself out
yet I came here, not by
way of nature
but by that of flesh
and supernatural doing
still I try and try
to leave this place
to no avail
I wait in anguish
for my rescue
__________________
it doesn't mean much; it doesn't mean anything at all
the life i've left behind me is a cold room
i've crossed the last line from where i can't return
where every step i took in faith betrayed me
and led me from my home
Oh yeah, I had an account on imood.com
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