Will I Ever Get To Kiss You? (RC)

zoe r · 12-06-2003, 10:35 PM

I wrote this for the freestyle thread (using the word bridge)
But I really like it, and so I want your opinions on it.
Thanks!

once there was a war
in 1942
things exploding, people dying;
all i could think of was you.

will i ever see you again?
ever feel your touch?
as i wrapped the wounds of dismembered soldiers
i missed you very much.

i always looked in anticipation
out the window pane
to see if it was your footsteps
walking down the lane.

Some may call me silly
some may call me a sap
but i can't help but wonder
if you're taking an endless nap.

i look up to the heavens
will they here my cry?
have you crossed the bridge into netherworld?
did my loved one die?

Than · 12-06-2003, 10:40 PM

I won't take it piece by piece right now, but the overall feel that I got of it is that it reads kind of like a macabre hallmark card. I think it's the ABAB rhyme dealy-o.

**slap_j** · 12-06-2003, 10:41 PM

Quote:

once there was a war
in 1942
things exploding, people dying;
all i could think of was you.

Wow, are you a cold-hearted ***** or something? Maybe you're just selfish. Just thinking of this one man when, by your own admission, there are "things exploding, people dying;". The best thing about this stanza is that you used a semicolon. Not many people use those anymore. Good work.

Quote:

will i ever see you again?
ever feel your touch?
as i wrapped the wounds of dismembered soldiers
i missed you very much.

Now you're a nurse, ok. Do your patients know you don't give a **** about them -- that you're mind is just focused on this one man? You're a liability at this point. [edited for explicit content - I know you're joking, but it's inaproppriate]

Quote:

i always looked in anticipation
out the window pane
to see if it was your footsteps
walking down the lane.

Cliché and very butch.

Ok, I'm not going to bother reading the rest. It sucks. I recommend suicide.

the flamingo · 12-06-2003, 10:43 PM

in general i'm not a big fan of rhyme.
but, if it's got enough imagery, it works.
i know this is general, but i'd like to SEE more instead of just being told.

other than that, it's as cute as cute can be when were talking about people going off to war and getting drinking a tall glass of dead and amputate.

benj · 12-06-2003, 10:45 PM

I read this in the Freestyle thread and liked it a lot. Good work, Zoe.

You worked in your love for Nazis in as well as your love for Nazi men. Lovely.

Than · 12-06-2003, 10:49 PM

she didn't mention goose-stepping around the hospital, though. Or das Fuher. I am appeased as easily as benj.

Jas de F · 12-07-2003, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by benj

I read this in the Freestyle thread and liked it a lot. Good work, Zoe.

You worked in your love for Nazis in as well as your love for Nazi men. Lovely.

Yep. In fact, she wrote this about me...her favorite Nazi man.

Not that she knows me or anything. But I'm sure she wrote it about me. It's just this feeling I have. Kind of like Harrison Ford's "I've got a bad feeling about this" feelings, only it's a good feeling and it's not like Harrison Ford cause he kills Nazis.

zoe r · 12-07-2003, 07:29 PM

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your comments! I was hoping to get a few critiques from you guys. Pieter, it is not about you. As far as I know you did not almost die. Sorry. Ok. So I made a few changes and I want to hear your opinions. Thanks a lot!

once there was a war
Back in 1942
things exploding, people dying;
all i could think of was you.

will i ever see you again?
ever feel your touch?
as i wrapped the wounds of dismembered soldiers
i missed you very much.

i always looked in anticipation
out the window pane
to see if it was your footsteps
walking down the lane.

Some may call me silly
some may call me a sap
but i can't help but wonder
if you're taking an endless nap.

i look up to the heavens
will they hear my cry?
have you crossed the bridge into netherworld?
did my loved one die?

I hear whispers in the night
I hear voices in my head
I hear screams while I am sleeping
That tell me you are dead.

Than · 12-07-2003, 08:15 PM

I think

"joker's in the kitchen
robin's in the hall
batman's in the kitchen
peeing on the wall"

would also work well for a last stanza.

**meatfinger** · 12-08-2003, 01:47 AM

Quote:

I hear whispers in the night
I hear voices in my head

CLICHECLICHECLICHECLICHEhorriblyclicheCLICHECLICHECLICHECLICHE

Jas de F · 12-08-2003, 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by meatfinger

CLICHECLICHECLICHECLICHEhorriblyclicheCLICHECLICHECLICHECLICHE

So? Your point is? Since when does every single analogy/phrase/image gotta be unique? Anyways, some things are cliche cause that's the best way to say them.

Jas de F · 12-08-2003, 02:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zoe r

Hi everyone.

Thanks for your comments! I was hoping to get a few critiques from you guys. Pieter, it is not about you. As far as I know you did not almost die. Sorry. Ok. So I made a few changes and I want to hear your opinions. Thanks a lot!

Sure I did. Like that time I got my gum sliced open in the car accident. That hurt so bad I felt like I was gonna die. Or the one time I got the flu REALLY bad. Yowch.

Seriously, though...

Rereading the poem, I don't see that the guy we're talking about almost died. She wonders if he's dead twice, but the poem never says that he almost did die.

Also, this: "as i wrapped the wounds of dismembered soldiers
i missed you very much."

I think it'd be better with a minor change like this:

"i wrapped the wounds of dismembered soldiers
as i missed you very much."

Change where you put the "as"...I dunno, it just sounds and looks better to me that way.

Also, with your last para...I think this poem is the type that wants emotional punch, no?

So, I like the following...

Try:

"I hear whispers in the night
Voices in my head
Screams while I am sleeping
They tell me you are dead"

I think it just reads a bit smoother, with a bit more punch, and while repetion can be good, I think it's good to remove the repetitions of "I hear."