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Unread 11-05-2003, 12:18 AM   #1
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Thumbs up Canadian University Jokes *NEW*

I may have posted some of these before, but I don't remember where. Anyway, I've added some to the list.

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HOW MANY UNIVERSITY STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?

Q) How many Queen's students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) ONE, but it never really gets done. He holds the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q) How many Ryerson students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Haha,..trick question - Ryerson isn't a real university!

Q) How many Lakehead students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) None. Thunder Bay doesn't have electricity, remember?

Q) How many U of T students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) TWO. One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

Q) How many Algonquin students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Only ONE. But he gets 6 credits for it.

Q) How many Laurentian students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) None. Sudbury looks better in the dark.

Q) How many Waterloo students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) FIVE. One to design a nuclear-powered one that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Waterloo using that nuclear-lightbulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

Q) How many Western students does it to change a lightbulb?
A) FIVE. One to change the lightbulb and four to find the perfect JCREW outfit to wear for the occasion.

Q) How many McMaster students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) TWO. One to change the bulb and the other to say loudly how he did it as well as any Queen's student.

Q) How many Carleton students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) TWO. One to change the bulb and one to complain about how, if they were at a better school, the lightbulb wouldn't go out.

Q) How many McGill students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) ONE. But SHE can't do it on Friday night.

Q) How many Brock students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) SEVEN. One to change the bulb and six to throw a party because he didn't screw it in upside down this time.

Q) How many Guelph students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) SEVEN. One to screw it in and 6 to figure out how to power it on manure. (ouch!)

Q) How many Mt.Allison students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) FIVE. One to do it and 4 to be in the Macleans photo of it.

Q) How many UVic students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) None. Llava lamps don't burn out man!

Q) How many UBC students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) FOUR. One to do it and three to translate the instructions.

Q) How many Laurier students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) All of them. They make it a campus affair.

Q) How many University of Manitoba students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) Ummmmm,...huh? There's a university in Manitoba?

Q) How many York University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A) THREE. One to take directions from the science student, the science student and one to philosophise about life as a lightbulb.

Q) How many University of Ottawa students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A) ONE. She <s>screws</s> everything why not a light bulb?

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Ontario Universities:

Q. Why don't they have Christmas at Western?
A. They can't find a virgin and three wise men.

Q. How do they separate the men from the boys at McMaster?
A. With a restraining order.

Q. Why is it so windy in Kingston?
A. Because Queen's blows.

Q. What do you get when you drive quickly through the Laurier campus?
A. An undergraduate degree.

Q. What's the first thing a York girl does when she wakes up in the morning?
A. Walks home.

Q. How can you tell if a McMaster student is a heterosexual?
A. He can outrun his roommate!

Q. What does a U of T student call a Waterloo student after graduation?
A. Boss.

Q. Why do they sell so many button-fly jeans in Guelph?
A. Because the sheep can hear the zippers a mile away.

Q. Did you hear that the library at Ryerson burned down?
A. Naturally, the students were very upset....some of the books weren't colored-in yet.

Q. Why do York graduates put a copy of their diploma in the window of their vehicles?
A. So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q. How do you get a Western grad off your front porch?
A. Pay him for the pizza.

Q. Who does the Waterloo Engineering Society fear the most?
A. Immigration.

A severe storm rumbled through Guelph last week and destroyed the
entire town: $10 worth of damage was reported.

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Ontario University Life

Okay, so the summer has ended and school is about to start again soon. Well, you've probably gotten together with old friends during the summer and have probably noticed different things about each of them since they attend other schools. This is what you may have noticed about each:

Carleton University:
Your friend will constantly talk about Carleton producing 'successful' alumni such as washed-up comedian Dan Ackroyd and Michael Cowpland (founder of Corel which unsuccesfully tried to fight Microsoft before almost going bankrupt and then was bought by Microsoft). However, they fail to mention that the aforementioned alumni donate their money back to University of Ottawa, and not Carleton. Your friend may look like a 'Fresh PRINCE of Belair' character as well.

Lakehead University:
Your friend couldn't come back home during reading week because by the time he or she made it all the way home, they'd have to start heading back up. They talk about never going back again to Lakehead and ponder working at an automotive plant for the remainder of their lives since a degree from Lakehead means nothing.

Laurentian University:
Your friend will come back with a sense of well-being and being 'at one with nature'. They'll claim that they chose to attend Laurentian for the natural beauty of Sudbury, but will secretly tell you that the whole city smells like sewage and sweaty miners. They'll conceal from you the fact that they find the smell of skunks pleasant compared to the smell of the miners.

McMaster University:
Just like Queens, your friend will talk about it being 'the place to be' and talk about McMaster being one of the few schools with its own nuclear reactor. However, they fail to mention that its nuclear reactor is one atomic collision away from causing another Chernoble and that citizens of Hamilton dress in all-gray to blend in with the colour scheme of the city.

Ryerson University:
Your friend constantly reminds you that its a 'university' and not a college and reminds you that its among the top in Engineering. What they fail to tell you is that it borders the Gay/Lesbian area of Toronto and has homeless bums harassing students. Your friend may also have breathing problems after being exposed to Toronto's smoggy air for too long.

Queens University:
Your friend was once a proud member of an ethnic group but has come back acting like a Gino, blasting techno beats. He or she may constantly talk about Kingston being 'the place to be' and talk about Queens' medical program being among the best. They may also remind people that Kingston was once the capital of Canada. However, they fail to realise its Kingston and that no
one cares.

UofT Missisauga:
Your friend talks in a new language - Punjabi - after being around so many South Asian people for too long. They also talk about how the Toronto Argonauts football team practices at Erindale but fail to realise how bad the Argonauts are. On the plus side, the Argonauts can now run better after being exposed to a vibrant curry smell on campus.

UofT Scarborough:
Your friend constantly talks about how they've got many girlfriends or boyfriends at school and how they're 'keeping it real' because of the gangster influence. What they fail to tell you is that their school isn't a school but actually a local nightclub that operates during the day. Western students beware!

UofT St.George:
After being at a school with so many students, your friend will lack individuality and has come back as a robot. They may address themselves by their student number instead of their name and may talk in a monotone voice because of their lack of individuality.

University of Guelph:
Your friend was originally planning to be a veternarian or go into environmental sciences but somehow, they're now studying Business. Your male friends chose to attend Guelph for the great guy-girl ratio but came back angry after learning that all the women still have boyfriends back home. Your female friends will return disappointed after learning that the men are all farmers and hicks.

University of Ottawa:
Your friend will stick up for their school where possible but secretly tell you that they only came to Ottawa after they were rejected by their first, second, third and fourth choices. Your friend will visit Parliament Hill and protest whatever is being protested because 'its fun' and because 'there's nothing better to do'.

University of Waterloo:
Being the top school in Canada, Waterloo students are smug and arrogant believing that they are the best around. They fail to mention that the library was designed by Waterloo students and that it's sinking into the ground after the students forgot to account for the weight of the books in the library. Way to go!

University of Western Ontario:
Your friend will come back home and talk about how great the social life is at Western. However, they won't recall a thing about school and will wonder what
you're talking about when you mention the words integral' or 'theorem' to them. They may think you're talking about bars instead and will probably invite
you out for a drink.

University of Windsor:
Your friend will talk about Windsor attracting some of the best students regardless that the university somehow felt the need to run infomercials to promote itself. They fail to mention that the school harasses prospective students to choose Windsor, often begging students in their offers and offering ridiculous amounts of money that it doesn't have.

Wilfred Laurier University:
Your friend will come back depressed because their attempts to mingle with Waterloo students were unsuccessful. They may try to marry a Computer Science or Engineering student from Waterloo because of their infatuation with the school but will return home empty-handed. They may consider suicide as a
reasonable option.

York University:
Your friend is trying to switch to a different school. Enough said.

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TOP 10 REASONS THAT COLLEGE IS LIKE PRESCHOOL
10. You cry for your mother.
9. You cross the street without looking for cars.
8. Snack time is a necessity.
7. You bundle up for the outdoors without caring what you look like because everyone else looks as stupid as you do).
6. You stay at home and play games with your friends
5. You wear your backpack on both shoulders.
4. You wear big mittens.
3. Playing in the snow is a legitimate activity.
2. You take naps
1. You look forward to grilled cheese sandwiches.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN IN COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
*You actually like doing laundry at home.
*Two miles is not too far to walk for a party.
*You'd rather clean than study.
*"Oh crap, how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night.
*Mom's meatloaf and potatoes become something you desire, not avoid.
*You schedule your classes around sleep habits and "Friends."
*You know the pizza boy by name
*You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it' dark.
*You live for getting mail.
*Looking out the window is a form of entertainment
*Prank phone calls become funny again.
*You start thinking and sounding like your roommate. --Tap dance, anyone??
*Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth.
*Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime.
*Wal-mart is the coolest store.
*The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday

BEFORE I CAME TO COLLEGE, I WISH I HAD KNOWN...
*That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class, I'd still sleep through it
*That I could change so much and barely realize it. (SO true.)
*That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways.
*No matter how 'cool' you were in highschool-- no one here cares.
*That if you wear polyester everyone will ask why you are so dressed up.
*That every clock on campus shows a different time.
*That if you were smart in high school, so what? It doesn't matter here.
*That I would go to a party the night before a final.
*That Chem Labs/ Architecture studios take up more time than all other classes put together
*That you can know everything and fail a test.
*That you can know nothing and ace a test.
*That I could get used to almost anything found out about my roommate
*That most of my education would be obtained outside of class.
*That I would be one of those people that my parents warned me about.
*That there is always that one friend back home you know you can count on.
*That sometimes college can make you forget your home...but not for too long.
*That Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination.
*That Psychology is really Biology.
*That Biology is really Chemistry, that Chemistry is really Physics and that Physics is really Math.
*That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
*That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
*That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!

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20 WAYS TO CONFUSE YOUR ROOMMATE

1. Sit up. Say, "Time to make the doughnuts." Leave. Do this often.

2. Every five minutes, get up, open the door, peek out, close the door and look relieved.

3. Every night before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he or she brings it to you, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If the roommate ever refuses to bring you a glass of water,lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging noises until your roommate obeys.

4. Express an extreme fear of sunlight. Move away from and flinch at areas of the room that are sunny.

5. Pick up the phone every five minutes and say, "hello." Look confused and hang up.

6. Unwrap a candy bar. Eat the wrapper and throw the chocolate away.

7. When listening to the radio, sing along with different lyrics and a different tune.

8. Address your roommate by a different name every time you talk to him or her.

9. Constantly drink from an empty glass.

10. Every time you handle something of your roommate's, use a tissue or gloves.

11. While unlocking your door with the key, complain that the engine won't start.

12. Name your animal crackers. Mourn for them after you eat them.

13. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge of Allegiance" with you every morning.

14. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 15. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty hamster cage,say,"I was curious."

16.Try to make meals using your roommate's electric blanket.

17. Aerate your underwear drawer. Claim that "they" are not getting enough oxygen.

18. Put black tape over the eyes of the people in your roommate pictures. Complain that they were staring at you.

19. Get a surfboard and put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out" and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue you." Refer to them as "my hero" from then on.

20. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, wake him or her up and say, "Its time to go to bed now."

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**I took out the 10 Signs That You're Too Drunk**

Top Ten Signs That You're Suffering Semester Burnout:
10. You're so tired, that you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Mom calls to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back, [insult]!"
8. When your parents inquire about your grades, you sing then Cookie Monster song: "C is for cookie, that's good enough for me..."
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care..
6. You've got so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Just to take a break from studying, you actually exit your dormitory when the nightly fire alarm goes off.
4. You sleep more in class than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your bookbag.
2. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

College Habits to Bring Home
1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom door.
2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.
3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.
4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.
5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.
6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.
7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.
8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.
9. Yell "FLUSH!"
10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.
11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.
12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.
13. Get dressed in the dark.
14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slots on the washing machine.
15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.
16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.
17. Order pizza every Friday night.
18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.
19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.
20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.
21. Hoard food under your bed for when it snows and you dont want to go out.
22. Walk around the neighborhood looking for a computer lab (e-mailwithdrawal).
23. Fight your mother for quarters for the imaginary snack machine and pay phone in the house..

You know you are in College too long when...

* You consider McDonald's "real food"
* You actually like doing laundry at home
* 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends
* It starts getting late on the weeknights
* Two miles is not too far to walk for a party
* You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it
* You'd rather clean than study
* "Oh wow, how did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night
* Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal
* Minesweeper (or Solitaire) is more than a game it's a way of life
* You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps
* You know the pizza boy by name
* You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark
* You live for getting mail
* Looking out the window is a form of entertainment
* Prank phone calls become funny again
* It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on
* Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world)
* You start thinking and sounding like your roommate
* Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth
* Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime
* You find out milk crates have so many uses
* Wal-mart is the coolest store
* The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)
* You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long.

You Might Be A College Student If...

* You have the pizza delivery phone number memorized.
* You have ever shown up for class wearing the same outfit you wore to bed the previous night.
* Your idea of a square meal is a box of pop-tarts.
* You have ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and had to step over more than two complete strangers on your floor.
* It feels weird taking a shower without wearing beach sandals.
* You schedule your day around "The Bold and the Beautiful."
* You have developed a weekly ritual of waking up blurry-eyed on Saturday afternoons and proceeding to determine where the hell you are.
* It doesn't faze you at all to carry on a pleasant conversation with someone while taking a crap.
* A baseball cap and some binaca make an acceptable substitute for daily grooming.
* You have ever done laundry at 4am.
* You have ever sung from a rooftop.
* You have ever vomited from a rooftop.
* Or down a stairwell.
* You know approximately how many people can fit into your closet, shower stall, or trunk of your car.
*You have ever traveled anywhere with several bags of dirty clothes.
* You have ever seen a sofa fall past your bedroom window.
* On fire.
* You have ever paid $100 for a single book without batting an eye.
* You have ever sold that same $100 book eight months later, unread, for seven bucks.
* More than twenty percent of your household furnishings are made from milk crates.
* You have done a week's worth of food shopping at Walmart.
* You have ever heaved seventeen beer cans and a liter of vodka into a footlocker because someone at your door didn't use the secret knock.
* You have ever actually used some of the complex mathematical formulas from your physics class notes to determine the best way to "relocate" a granite statue.
* You know not to enter your room when a certain object is hanging from the doorknob.
* You have to lock up your television when you retire at night.
* You have ever been excited to find a pair of $15 jeans in your size.
* You have ever had to wait in line to brush your teeth.
* You have caught yourself using words such as "aggregate" or "egregious" in casual conversation.
* You have a calling card, but no phone.
* You have a credit card, but no job.
* Your hair color changes more often than the season.
* There have ever been more than nine people in your car at once.
* You can tell the time of day by the noise level in the hall outside your door.
* The "home fries" you were served at breakfast look suspiciously like the french fries you were served at dinner the night before.
* You have inexplicable urges to have various body parts pierced.
* You actually know someone named Sasha.
* Empty can or cigarette boxes make good room decorations.
* You have ever climbed from your friend's third-story window to your own fourth-story window becuase you locked yourself out of your room.
* You set your alarm clock for 8:50am to make a 9:00am class.
* There are usually a few people out jogging in front of your building at 11pm.
* You have ever spent the day shopping without purchasing a single new item.
* You call your auto club more often than you call your mother.
* You have ever opened your door and found a naked person hurrying past it.
* You have rediscovered afternoon naps.
* You have ever found yourself at a hospital emergency room seeking treatment for a "slam-dancing" injury.
* You'd rather go hungry than break off you Internet connection to order a pizza.
* You include "photocopying" in your monthly budget.
* You were in debt by $20,000 before your twentieth birthday.
* You have ever seen someone ignite a fart.
* You store your toiletries in a bucket next to your bed.
* You have ever been part of a team whose goal was to get a goat in a Volkswagen onto the domed roof of the administration building before dawn.
* People suddenly shut up while Letterman does the "Top Ten" List.

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Unread 11-07-2003, 10:32 AM   #2
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Those are all so true, can you PM me the ones about being drunk?
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Unread 11-07-2003, 12:53 PM   #3
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LOL! Sheer brilliance!! I know all about the college thing... And as for Waterloo students changing a light bulb... I have a friend who goes to Waterloo and he actually did design another kind of a light bulb, built it, and uses it! How strange is that?
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Unread 11-08-2003, 12:05 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ViewtifulJoe
Those are all so true, can you PM me the ones about being drunk?
Sure thing. I'll do it tomorrow.
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Unread 11-10-2003, 09:30 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by perhaps
Sure thing. I'll do it tomorrow.

Sweet
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