[Jeff]

I am ripping off this
soggy paper bag
that sticks to my face and
makes me smell like
dog wet with spoiled milk

You have seen me with broken knees
dragging my face on the concrete
with flies like too many aides to
nurse these open wounds and
snapping at those who would
pity in any way imperfectly

you have seen me like a tree
not alive since last century, but
standing like a monument to conquered nations
waiting still for some virgin's hand
to explode it into the air like
the spilt remains of Israel's Kings

but you have yet to see the spirit
that lies within this burning bush
you have yet to place your hand into
this sinful furnace, this inferno of iniquity
that threatens and licks about you like
a cat of nine tails heated in the fires of hell

and pull it out unscathed, but
covered in a glowing aura as ethereal,
as spiritual, as cosmic, as transcendent
as a blade of spring grass thrust up
through winter slush like the mast
of a ship in a receding squall

you have yet to see me as a bird in flight
girded with strength like the mighty earth
coronated with wings like a crystal dragon's
with truth like a volcano at my right hand

You have yet to see me stand

wrapped anew with a coat of many colors

[Ayria]

I am ripping off this
soggy paper bag
that sticks to my face and
makes me smell like
dog wet with spoiled milk

ok, definately an interesting beginning. not the most attractive thing, but it gets people's attention

You have seen me with broken knees
dragging my face on the concrete
with flies like too many aides to
nurse these open wounds and
snapping at those who would
pity in any way imperfectly

ok i like this. i don't like the "with flies like too many aides" line though...but i don't know a better way to change it. like the last 2 lines tho.

you have seen me like a tree
not alive since last century, but
standing like a monument to conquered nations
waiting still for some virgin's hand
to explode it into the air like
the spilt remains of Israel's Kings

this is really good. i only don't like the word "tree", is there something else you can use besides that? love the rest.

but you have yet to see the spirit
that lies within this burning bush
you have yet to place your hand into
this sinful furnace, this inferno of iniquity
that threatens and licks about you like
a cat of nine tails heated in the fires of hell

good. i like it.

and pull it out unscathed, but
covered in a glowing aura as ethereal,
as spiritual, as cosmic, as transcendent
as a blade of spring grass thrust up
through winter slush like the mast
of a ship in a receding squall

nice comparison. i like the last line especially.

you have yet to see me as a bird in flight
girded with strength like the mighty earth
coronated with wings like a crystal dragon's
with truth like a volcano at my right hand

this i also like (lol)-especially the last line, that's a good line.

You have yet to see me stand

wrapped anew with a coat of many colors

very good. just for those couple words/lines i didn't like. love it