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Originally Posted by meatfinger Yes, it's rought. Yes, I just wrote it about four minutes ago. Tear it apart, plz. |
You spelled "rough" wrong, and used "plz". This is unforgivable. Some more poetic language would help, too.
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Like a fog that won't burn away
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Meh...it gets the point across, but another analogy might be better. Then again, it goes with the title.
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My mind ping-pongs one thought
It caroms off my skull
and rolls toward my cerebellum
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I like this, but maybe stronger language might add to it.
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manipulated by invisible Birtish soccer hooligans
It tickles my insatiable cortex endlessly
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I love it.
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In the way I never tire of
It vanquishes boredom
and eats away jealousy
in a flash of brilliant affection
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This last part should be the climax, but it's rather...boring in its current state.
There's definitely potential here, just rework it a bit!