[meatfinger]

Yes, it's rought. Yes, I just wrote it about four minutes ago. Tear it apart, plz.

Like a fog that won't burn away
My mind ping-pongs one thought
It caroms off my skull
and rolls toward my cerebellum
manipulated by invisible Birtish soccer hooligans
It tickles my insatiable cortex endlessly
In the way I never tire of
It vanquishes boredom
and eats away jealousy
in a flash of brilliant affection

[Than]

Originally Posted by meatfinger

Yes, it's rought. Yes, I just wrote it about four minutes ago. Tear it apart, plz.

You spelled "rough" wrong, and used "plz". This is unforgivable. Some more poetic language would help, too.

Like a fog that won't burn away

Meh...it gets the point across, but another analogy might be better. Then again, it goes with the title.

My mind ping-pongs one thought
It caroms off my skull
and rolls toward my cerebellum

I like this, but maybe stronger language might add to it.

manipulated by invisible Birtish soccer hooligans
It tickles my insatiable cortex endlessly

I love it.

In the way I never tire of
It vanquishes boredom
and eats away jealousy
in a flash of brilliant affection

This last part should be the climax, but it's rather...boring in its current state.

There's definitely potential here, just rework it a bit!