[Jas de F]

Hey, y'all, I'm new here. I'm from CA...I joined up on the recommendation of some friends from VA.

I wanted to get some input/feedback/constructive criticism on my poem, "dead man."

First, some background...

I have a friend who has forsaken God, rejected his family, and turned his back on everything that is right. I didn't reveal his name on my weblog, where I originally posted the poem, but I'll let y'all know...this "friend" is my older brother. He's 19, and left home at 18.

So, I wrote a poem about this friend.

dead man
by Pieter J. Friedrich
-----

not a boy
just a man

strained at the slack rein
a fenced lamb
sought the mark of a slave
everything was a sham
so now he makes love to the devil

withering-spirit man shrieks "god is dead"
fool says in his heart there is no God

spins the dial
hates the rock
outstretched
a middle finger at the cornerstone
and so forsook the flock

shepherd knows His sheep
was he one of His?

one of a hundred
tore up the map
wandering in the wilderness
sat in his Father's lap
reached up
and gave him a slap

still the man on the radio
is expiring

radio man shrieks "you dreamed up a god"
the Man/God who is Truth
He is a stone of stumbling
stretched down and touched him
marked him with His mark

radio freak shrieks
"and now you're one of us"
did he know amazing grace?
"the wretched"
was he just trying to save face?

shattered myself once
I was found

now he cripples us all
by his choice
I have lost his trace
and he's chosen Sacrilege
to bear his pall

speakers groan at the voice
of a dead man
radio man shrieks
"god is dead and nobody cares"
all they that hate Him love death

dying
he kills himself
in a roundabout way
calls god dead
and so commits suicide

his spiritual self-murder
shreds you and me

shepherd find him
my desperate prayer
Maker remake him
even though
he doesn't care