EleventhHour's musings...

EleventhHour · 11-17-2003, 03:21 PM

Don't worry about the email, I hadn't tried to get hold of you. I figured you were just swamped with schoolwork, or whatever.

I'm sure it'll be interesting when you get it going.

I guess things are going well for me. Not too horrible anyway. I am dealing with something this week that had been bothering me for a long time, but that's good that it finally surfaced. I couldn't deal with it before.

Hope you're doing okay, Evanstar. It's beautiful here, about 60 degrees, most of the leaves gone from the trees, but there are red berries on some of them, and it's sunny and pretty.

EleventhHour · 11-19-2003, 01:18 PM

I didn't go to my Alanon meeting this a.m.

I was not feeling well last week and this week just couldn't seem to get myself out of bed. I don't have any money and we usually go out to lunch.

I was also reading that you can't work the program without improving your relationship with your Higher Power--in my case God. I know that, it's just catching up with me these last couple of weeks.

I wish I knew what to do.

I'm in this with a bunch of Catholics, as it happens, and one said she had a friend who had a son molested by a priest, & people ask her why she still goes to church. She said "to honor God", which seemed like a good answer to my Catholic friend. But I remembered this this morning: 'do not take your sacrifice to the altar, if your brother has something against you.' That reflects my instinct. Why pay into this church if it's crapped on your best friends and loved ones? Pardon the lanquage, and this is a sore spot with me, so bear with it, sorry!

EleventhHour · 11-25-2003, 01:04 PM

Where would I be without the internet? !!!!!!!

Anyway, a few years ago, I read an article by a guy who was homeless for some time. He camped near the river and made his own shower by hanging jugs for water over some tiles. He felt it was very important to practice good hygiene, even though it was difficult. He said he used to go to the library to get on the internet, and would go to porn sites. He got in trouble for that, but after a while kept seeing the message "Jesus Save" on telephone poles, newspaper dispensers, etc. He believed that he was being called, and began to contact Christians on the internet.

One woman especially prayed for him. He eventually got job in computers somehow, because of his experience with them at the library. I read his story and was very inspired. I found Betty Eadie's website, and quite a few others. I also found a Charmed site and being very interested in the TV show Charmed, I posted a lot there. This was after I became...homeless. I couldn't pay rent to my mom, had been unemployed for 6 years. All of my money went down the drain paying rent. I could'nt afford food, etc. I would never have moved out if I hadn't been forced to though. Too late now, but I wish I'd been able to move into the barn before I spent all my money. Maybe things wouldn't have worked out very well if I did that though. Or not as well as they did.

I think the problem is I think of others before myself. Meaning I let them come between God and me. I keep thinking they represent God, and I often worry about what they think of me long before I get out of bed in the morning.

Anyway, I like the people I meet over the internet, not that I have met any in real life, or need to. It's so much a part of my life, that I can't think of getting a job, because I am convinced it would keep me away from the computer. I don't know enough about computers to get a job related to them, am convinced I'll only get entry level jobs. There was a bit of advancement to be made at a job that I don't want to even go back to--I got the job through someone I met at Alanon, but it didn't seem like such a nice job to me. I hope I don't get another job through anyone at Alanon, even though I like the meetings and most people. I just think that's not their job, and the ones who got me the jobe very much had ulterior, not so great motives.

nards · 12-16-2003, 04:56 PM

Hi
From Nards
The HI club!

EleventhHour · 12-17-2003, 03:12 PM

Hi, Nards.

I hope I get to see Return of the King this week or weekend. It should warm up to the mid-forties. It's too cold to go across the river to the nice theatre--Newport-on-the-Levee, where all the rich folks go. I go there for must-see first run movies, have for the last year, only 2 or 3 three movies. I probably won't see another there till June--Harry Potter. It's $6.50 in the afternoon.

I need to get a job, Virginia is, I think, not talking to me because of this. I just don't think I can do it. Everyone else seems to be able to get one, just get a decent job so you can make a living. I don't want another one that will take everything I have out of me, and leave me high and dry. It may be my fault, I just don't know what to do with me. To do about it, I mean. I don't know what I should do. I read the other day that some are trying to get the minimum wage up to $6.50. I guess it's about $4.50 now. I guess I could look that up. I made $7.50 my last job, but I found that job so difficult to get to and so repetetive and full of druggy people and those trying to get dates with me. I don't think I can go back anyway, I don't know how I left it with them. I found myself so confused and it was so difficult to take a break from it.

I need to tell Evanstar I got her email.

EleventhHour · 12-21-2003, 03:47 PM

In a bad mood, till I got to the library. I don't precisely know why. I think I'm just frustrated about not getting what I want, not knowing what I want, not getting what done what I should do done, or what I think I should do.

I had a good conclusion to the Roman Catholicism discussion in Apologetics, by which I mean I don't feel walked all over or hated or resented. I don't feel as though I wish I could take it all back. I do feel that way, however, about the same sex marriages thread @ The One. Gil seems mad at me, Orf definitely is, and I don't care about Lodi. I do feel irritated by him, but doubt I'll feel better if I try to get back at him.

It's getting dark out. I wonder if the 33 is running tonight. Why not, I suppose. I want to get C&V something for Xmas, and I know they like Folger's Hazelnut coffee which they sell at Kroger, which is at the end of the 33 line, more or less. Oh, nevermind. I don't have enough cash, and no ATM card. I left my last ATM card in an ATM machine, so no more ATM till I feel better, and stop leaving my important stuff everywhere, library cards, getting my wallet stolen, carrying my birth cert. and ss card around with me long after I need to. I guess I haven't been having too much self respect.

Dr. Cooper said that's depression.

I don't want to just count on medication, though. I want to find out what else is messing up my life--unhealed memories, physical afflictions such as a tooth infection, or something a bit more serious, whatever.

I guess I have to go now.

EleventhHour · 12-21-2003, 03:49 PM

I just want to say HI! to whoever is looking at my thread!

Er, well it says one member and one guest viewing thread.

Erika · 12-25-2003, 09:18 PM

HI

How are you doing today?

EleventhHour · 12-26-2003, 11:12 AM

Hi, Erika, okay. How are you? Had a good Christmas, I hope.

EleventhHour · 12-29-2003, 09:55 PM

Tired, getting ready to get off the 'net. At least I don't feel horribly hurried.

I hope I can get my med. card app. filled in tomorrow. I hope this works. I don't know if I should really push myself to get it all done tomorrow, or if I should just let it go. But it is something I'd like to get done. It just seems to take me so long to get going in the morning. It sure did this a.m. I guess I'll just wait and see. I might be able to make it different tomorrow.

nards · 12-31-2003, 01:45 AM

Have a happy New Year

EleventhHour · 12-31-2003, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nards

Have a happy New Year

You too!

EleventhHour · 12-31-2003, 02:59 PM

A little nervous. I should be heading home, though I feel I owe myself a cup of decaf & a bagel, but I have to get something to bring to Linda's tonight--she and Dennis invited me to her house.

I spent the afternnoon, more or less, talking about getting assistance, but I don't have enough need yet. I hope I don't need to do that. Come to find out the state will pay for my hosp. bills from April. It won't be Mercy Franciscan. Anyway, I hope I find a decent job soon, or just to pay grocery bills so I won't have to get food stamps.

Feeling gloomy. I don't feel sociable, but then when do I? The meeting I had to chair went reasonably well last night and better than usual. I think the antidepressant is helping. Whew.

I shouldn't worry about tonight, just do my best. I just realized I am worrying about it.

EleventhHour · 01-17-2004, 09:53 PM

Rom 8:5-8
5 For those who are according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who are according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.
6 For the mind set on the flesh is death, but the mind set on the Spirit is life and peace,
7 because the mind set on the flesh is hostile toward God; for it does not subject itself to the law of God, for it is not even able {to do so}
8 and those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

A window opened reading that a few minutes ago, because I've been keeping my mind on so many little things, like bagels and how many to eat per day. Just as I write this I realize I've been again worried about little jobs--any job to get the money and say I have a job.

But how do I remember this? It keeps coming up, I keep believing I have to worry about these things, instead of the precious things like friendship. I keep losing sight. Okay, well today just now I didn't! Okay, but... I guess - NO BUTS!

EleventhHour · 01-30-2004, 01:59 PM

I'm not sure why I'm not satisfied with the quality of my posts in my journal thread here. I am fine with what I'm posting at Greatestjournal. But here, I sink into anger and depression, and also into difficulty in writing anything. I feel blocked.

BTW, I did something stupid at avatarity. I clicked on a connection that said 'for an interesting pic, click here'. Stupid, but I did. I love avs, and thought this person had an interesting or funny pic. The computer froze up, and after a while I just decided to shutdown and bring it back up again. I got a message asking if I wanted to download a Microsoft update, and said yes, but bleep, it was a spammy program to sell 'Spyware', that would make the CD drawer pop out of the modem. It said if this happens, you need 'Spyware'. Certainly it is part of the advertising for 'Spyware' to scare people into letting more cruddy popups--AND PORN LINKS--into the computer. I didn't connect it with Avatarity, but after figuring a way of getting around the problem till I figure out how to get this problem out of the computer, I went to avatarity, and I think it got worse, more got programmed in. So I can't go to Avatarity on the home computer. And I can't upload from the net, so can't contribute avs.

Rats.

I'm hungry and tired now, but the computer is keeping me from going home and going to bed without eating. I don't have much to eat anyway, haven't been to the store, I guess because it's so cold.