Puns(merged with separate threads)

Frodo · 09-27-2003, 09:06 AM

Hey, we're in need of a new thread, and I know we've had a pun thread before, but I'm starting another one. So post your fav puns here, folks!

Two vultures board an airplane, each, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.; He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what? (Oh, man, this is so bad it's good) A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

There was a guy who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

ThirdDay1980 · 09-28-2003, 12:55 PM

There was an awards ceremony for people who were great at what they did for a living.
Many people were nominated for different occupations......

.....As the awards ceremony went on, finally a man came up to honor a 65 year old farmer. He said he accepts the award the farmers behalf. He couldn't be he tonight for he was OUTSTANDING in his field.

Frodo · 09-28-2003, 07:29 PM

hehehe

Drill · 10-07-2003, 02:42 PM

nice...

Awesome Guy · 10-07-2003, 03:30 PM

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Tonto was disguised as a door and had his knob shot off.

Frodo · 10-07-2003, 03:49 PM

Did you hear about the tribe in Africa that stole the king's throne from a rival tribe? They hid the throne in the rafters of their grass hut. The men who stole the throne were having a party in the hut. They were feeling happy about their successful theft when all of a sudden the rafters broke and the throne fell down and killed all of the men.

Moral: Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
~~~~~~~~~
First Roman (at a Christian massacre): We've got a capacity crowd, but still we're losing money. The upkeep on the lions must be pretty heavy.

Second Roman: Yes, sir, these lions sure do eat the prophets.
~~~~~~~~~~
In the Beginning after God had completely finished creating earth. He decided to add a lever that when thrown, would destroy the world. After He did that, he called on Nate the Snake and told him, "I WANT YOU TO GUARD THIS LEVER WITH YOUR LIFE, NO ONE IS ALOUD TO THROW THIS LEVER BUT ME". Nate says to God "Yer sir!". So Nate the Snake guards the lever. Nate lives for thousands of years, all the way to the 21st Century. By now there are cars and people everywhere and the country that the lever is in builds a Highway that runs right beside Nate the Snake and the Lever that will destroy the world. One day a huge 18wheeler is on that highway and is just about pass Nate, and all of a sudden he looses control of his Truck and runs off the road and is headed strait for the Lever. So Nate, obey Gods commands and jumps in front of the Truck sacrificing his life. The moral of this story? Better Nate than Lever
~~~~~~~~
Here's another:
After a chess tournament several chess fanatics walk into a hotel lobby. They stay for several hours just bragging about how well they did. Finally, the manager walks over to them and asks them to leave. When they asked why, he said "I just can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

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A Rabbi missionary journeys to a land that is inhabited by a people called the Trics. After staying several weeks he couldn't talk to any of the people there. So he asked an older rabbi why none would talk to him. The older rabbi said, 'well. one of their basic forms of communication is kicking'. So the young missionary went back out but couldn't get anyone to kick him. Finally several weeks later he went back to the older rabbi to see what he had done wrong. the older rabbi said, 'silly rabbi, kicks are for trics!'
~~~~~~~~
At the local monestary funds were running quite low. So, after quite a while of brainstorming, the friars decided to open a florist shop. After several weeks of business the florist shop was doing excellent, and funding the monestary back to good health. But after seeing such good business, the florist across town got really worried that the friars would steal all his business. So, he sent his daugter over to ask them to close shop. They refused, and sent the girl back home. The florist promptly sent his wife to ask them again. Again, the friars said they would keep their shop open. So the florist himself went to the monestary to beg them, and still they refused. After being refused once again, the florist told them that they would soon regret that decision. The florist then hired the meanest, biggest bully in town, Hue. Hue went over to the other florist shop and trashed the flowers and beat up the friars. They promptly closed shop, proving that Hue, and only Hue, can prevent florist friars.

**slap_j** · 10-07-2003, 08:11 PM

a new low for the humor forum

no pun intended

Jjesus Freak · 10-09-2003, 08:37 PM

This is a "punny" post.)

Tinuviel · 10-11-2003, 10:29 PM

A hawk was out flying one day and it met a lion (shut up I know its not really probable but its a joke what can I say) and it said "Hawk should be recognized as the best creatures on earth, our hunting skills are unsurpassed, I can swoop down on my prey before they ever know of my presence." At this point a skunk joined them, having heard their conversation thus far he was intriged and decided to listen in. Then the lion said "Even so, it is a known fact that lions are king of the jungle" and at this point the skunk jumped in and said "No skunks should be, even though they are small, if I lift my tail both of you will run". A bear had been listening in the bushes unbeknownst to them. So he came out and ate all of them and he said "I should be the best because I just ate them hawk, lion, and stinker"

(if you don't get it try saying the last sentence aloud, gl)

Tinuviel · 10-11-2003, 10:45 PM

A man was walking around with a shirt on that said (in the front) 'I am a bomb specialist' and on the back it said 'If you see me running........try to keep up'

ThirdDay1980 · 10-12-2003, 07:04 AM

I don't see how that's a pun...But it was amusing

here are some though....

A great pun is like a great steak, a rare medium well done

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

It is better to have loved a short person and lost
than never to have loved a tall

In England they do not have a kidney bank,
but they do have a Liverpool

Another passage tells how Charles Dickens was despondent in a Paris bar, telling the bartender "It is the worst of times, for I am without an idea for a new work. Let me partake of a vodka martini," to which the bartender responded "Olive or twist?"

Frodo · 10-15-2003, 11:37 AM

Shouldn't this be under puns? Yes. Okay! Merged.