Are you serious‼? A Chronicle of Incredulity and Wonder.

**beanbag** · 05-14-2004, 10:43 PM

I think I am going to flunk my arabic final tomorrow. I'm just going to pray that I can get through it and pass with a decent grade. I also think my ceiling is going to fall on me. there's water dripping onto my foot, and since my foot is out in the open next to my desk, the only place it could be coming from is the ceiling or the airconditioning vent. kind of scary.

to add to this great stuff, my dad told me I shouldn't type because he thinks I have carpal tunnel in my right wrist. so, I have it bound in this enormous bandage to keep it straight and I'm not supposed to do anything with it. it hurts alot, so the bandage is a great help, but I can't wear it forever. I have to start class again on Monday, and I definitely cannot walk around with this huge thing on my wrist, much less write easily or drive with it on, so I dunno.

anyways, I'm finished.

ma salama.

**beanbag** · 05-20-2004, 02:12 AM

I am so tired. I want to crawl in a hole and never wake up. thank goodness I don't have school, and I didn't insanely take another semester on-campus.

I cannot believe my friend is getting married tomorrow. it's so insane. none of my friends have ever been married. I feel so...old. and I really shouldn't feel old, and I shouldn't have a friend getting married. she just told me about it yesterday, so it hasn't really registered. I mean...I knew it was coming and all, because they've been planning it for a long time. but it's just...sprung up all of a sudden. it's so crazy. I still can't imagine her married, but I guess I'll get used to it.

I still don't know how my arabic final went, but since my teacher lives across the way and two blocks down, I can bug her anytime. we're supposed to start walking in the park together, and no doubt she'll talk to me in arabic while we're walking. that's good for me, because I need the practise...especially because I don't know of any arabs in missouri to practise with before I come back home and take the placement test for berkeley.

anyhow...I am gone.

ma salama.

**beanbag** · 05-27-2004, 03:00 AM

I'm glad I didn't actually post what I was writing earlier today. I have decided I don't want to leave my family and move away (even though I have to) and I do love my dad a lot (and we're friends again) and I'm going to give being 17 another shot before I completely condemn it as being awful.

anyways. today was semi-okay. my cousin turned 13 (such a big kid now!) and I didn't completely mutilate the music at orchestra practise. and, I spent some quality time with my brothers and my guitar. so, I am halfway happy.

hopefully tomorrow is an even better day.

ma salama.

Josh · 05-27-2004, 03:03 AM

You mean today. It's today now. It's your fault, remember.

Josh.

**beanbag** · 05-28-2004, 01:10 AM

I will take all the blame for yesterday really being today. or something like that.

lol anyways. today was great! I got to see my long-lost friend (only she's not really so lost because I saw her last Thursday, too. but before that I hadn't seen her in like..8 months.) again today, and all my friends graduated! all my closest friends are now highschool grads. it felt SO weird not to be walking the stage (or, the lawn rather) with them...Lil (my long-lost friend) and I were sitting there and talking about how we should be there with them and how much we missed our former classmates and stuff. but then we realized if we had waited and graduated with them this year, instead of last year, we wouldn't be sitting in the audience screaming at the top of our lungs. (yes, my voice still hurts.

)

it was so great...there were three schools doing graduation together, and our school had the loudest audience response (thanks to me, Lily, and Rosa...we're from last year's class

) of them all, even though the graduating class was the smallest. I videotaped the diploma part for my former classmates (20 in all...7 more than last year haha) and the only recognizable sound is us screaming, and there's a "go Rockie!" (one of my closest friends), and a "yeah Tom!"...I think there might even be a "Shanaaaaaaaaaae!" from Rosa lol.

anyways, too much greatness going on! one of my former part-time teachers saw me at the little mini-reception beforehand, and she was like, "Sabrina! you've come home!" and it really felt like it. my class was SO close, (we practically lived together...4 hours straight, 5 days a week, plus once a month all-day for two-three days time for demos) so it was like going to a family reunion. and I got to see all my old teachers...all three of them lol. and 7 of us from my graduating class showed up, plus the class I should have graduated with. all in all, today was good and I wouldn't have changed it for anything!

ma salama!

**beanbag** · 05-29-2004, 06:31 PM

ugh. stupid convention is this weekend. it's so pointless and SUCH a waste of time! every year, without fail, there's a fight at at least one of the parties. and of course, we've been banned from using the double tree hotel because one year some of the guys completely trashed the rooms. it's so stupid. and I can't stand the picnic. if I could get away with it, I just wouldn't go. my parents don't seem to understand all the kids I grew up with are now alcohol-dependent, pot heads, or druggies...or all three. all they do there is get high behind the bathrooms. and...I don't mean to sound self-righteous and judgemental, but I guess I can't help it...I don't think I could bring myself to be around the girls for more than 5 minutes without going insane. I don't know where things went wrong with them, but wrong things definitely are. the way they dress puts shame on the entire female population. and the way they throw themselves at the guys, who really haven't made themselves worth a first glance by the way they act! it's all one big, stupid cycle and I have NO desire whatsoever to be a part of it. I'd rather have my blood drawn or something (which will never happen because I shake uncontrollably when they come near me with the needle and I can't keep still). the only good part about convention is that all my friends come in from out of town, and this is one of the few times a year we're all together. I just wish my cousin were coming up from LA...but apparently not this time. I think the best way to make my dad happy by going to the picnic, but at the same time keep my sanity intact is to drive by myself to the park and go see all the 500+ relatives who are SURE to be there, and then come home after I've done my duty and made my parents proud.

anyways. I can't believe I only have three months until I'm gone. it's going to be so weird, and I know as the time gets closer it's going to get scary. my mom and I were talking about airport plans, and I told her I'm carrying my guitar on because there is NO way I'm putting it in baggage, I do not care WHAT the airline says. and then I realized I can only take one other bag (besides my purse) since I'm doing all carry-on (unless things with the school shuttle don't work out and my cousin comes to pick me up. then I can take however many suitcases will fit in his car.) and my mom was like, "what are you going to wear for 6 months?" and it hit me. 6 months...and at the end of 6 months is a two-week vacation home to see my family and friends, and celebrate my 18th birthday. (it's very convenient...spring break starts the day before my birthday..) and then it's back again for 3 months to finish up school. I don't know how I'm going to survive it. I'm going to be away from my family for almost a year! the longest I've ever been away from them was for 2 months. and my friends...I am going to miss them SO much. I'm really grateful for instant messaging services, otherwise I'd never be able to talk to them because of the long-distance charges (and my passionate distaste for talking on the phone). so yeah...my life is going to be turned upside down and I have no idea if I can ever turn it right-side up again.

ma salama.

Josh · 05-29-2004, 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beanbag

my life is going to be turned upside down and I have no idea if I can ever turn it right-side up again.

This is the whole point. Either you break or you keep moving. Trust in yourself and fail miserably, or trust in God and live out the amazing plans He has for you.

Josh.

**beanbag** · 05-30-2004, 02:06 AM

thank you, Josh. sometimes (practically all the time) I fail to see that. I guess I need to be reminded every so often that it's not about me and *my* plans, but about God's plans. my biggest problem is that I feel like I have to have my life planned out to the most minute detail. I have to know what I'm eating for lunch tomorrow, what I'm going to wear to school next Wednesday, exactly what I'm going to be doing on September 14, 2008.

my prayers used to consist of, "God, please let me understand Your will and be able to accept it, no matter what it is," but lately I think I've been avoiding that. actually, I think my last prayer of that sort was the night before my grandmother passed away, when I couldn't sleep all night because I knew then she wasn't coming back. I wanted her to come back so badly, because I didn't even get to say goodbye to her before she left with my parents. I didn't get a chance to give her the letter I had written her, and the short story which expressed my feelings so much more than I could ever tell her in words. and my prayer that night was that I would be able to accept God's plan and be able to deal with whatever His will happened to be. and she passed away, and I never got the chance to tell her how much I love her.

and so I don't know...maybe there's something inside that's worried things are always going to turn out that way, that things aren't ever going to work out. and I know it's not true, I know that God loves me and has plans for me, but there's another part of me that says I need to control my life and not trust anyone else with my future. it's really difficult to deal with this inner war between my heart and my mind. and then I guess the fact that I'm leaving everything I know to go live a different world practically has a lot to do with it, too. please pray for me.

ma salama.

**beanbag** · 05-30-2004, 09:07 PM

my computer is evil. I swear it is possessed! for some reason, my internet browser takes forever to open, or it starts randomly freezing up (and sometimes freezing the computer along with it) and my IM programs are the only ones that work. or, everything stops working except my internet browser (like right now). currently, the only thing whatsoever which is appearing on my screen is this window. not even the toolbar is showing. and I can see people signing in and out of msn (because it has that annoying window that rolls up and down) but that's it. it's so weird...I've never seen my computer look so empty and blank. oh well...I think it's a sign that I need to shut off the internet and finish cleaning my room.

as I said a few posts ago, the only (and I repeat only) good thing about convention is that I get to see my friends. my one friend, who I haven't seen since the noise ratchet show, and her cousin, who I haven't seen since I was 10 or 11 (she flew in from chicago on friday night) are coming tonight, and I have to figure out a way for them to both fit in my room (to sleep, that is. my room is large enough for three people to sit in lol). I think I can manage it, but I dunno. first I have to get the two piles of random stuff taken care of. they're mostly books and binders, and posters that my friend sent me which I have no idea what to do with, but I still need to get everything organized. also...I'm aiming on surprising my friend when she walks in and my room is clean. (I don't think she's seen me have a clean room since I was 5.

)

there are also some pictures and stuff in the pile that I've been putting into an album which I'm going to leave in my room for my parents to discover after I leave. the last album we have put together is from when my grandfather was still alive (that's 1993, and the first two months of '94), and so there are practically no pictures of my littlest brother, Michael. just him as a tiny newborn...none of the hilarious toddler pictures with his enormously curly hair, or his kindergarten pictures or anything (he's now going into 5th grade). all the pictures we have from after Michael was born (and a ton from before, like Ashur's baby pictures, and Evin's baby pictures, etc) were in boxes, so my dad let me look through them (under the impression that I was looking for pictures of me and my friend, to use in a scrapbook I was going to give her for her 20th birthday, but which I've now moved to christmastime, and maybe even her 21st birthday, which is in feb.) and I took out some of the best ones to put in an album. it's slow work, though, because no one knows about it except me and I can't let them see it, or the stack of pictures I have. and there's SO much left to go. I just finished putting Danita's (my cousin) 2nd birthday pictures in (she just had her 13th birthday..) and I have ever so much left to go.

anyways. I am going to run away and probably not come back till at least tomorrow night, when I get to complain about how awful the picnic was. my grandmother was shocked when I told her I didn't want to go. she's like, "you have to go. maybe you'll meet some engineer (where she got this idea I have no clue..) who will like you and then you'll get married. if you stick around in the shadows, no one will ever discover you." I was thinking a couple of things when she said that:
a. good thing my dad didn't hear that
b. I'm only 17
c. who says I want to marry an engineer?
d. the guys who are going to be there are not very appealing (they're cute (some of them), but personality/character-wise...no thank you..)
e. the picnic is stupid anyways, and I like sitting in the shadows.

but...I have a feeling I'm going to have to go. either my grandmother will nag me until I break, or my friend will persuade me to go, or my dad will order me to go, or aliens will abduct me and then drop me off right in the middle of the park.

ma salama.

**beanbag** · 05-31-2004, 11:01 PM

ladeda. the picnic sucked like an industrial vacuum cleaner. it was dirty and dusty and smokey and hot and smokey and loud and crowded and smokey. people were standing around smoking, and they had the grills going making kabobs, and the dust was flying everywhere because of the dancers. I kind of felt like dancing (I haven't danced since my friend's cousin's wedding last September) but it gets sooo crowded and the line doesn't go anywhere, and I usually end up next to some huge guy who traps my hand in a death grip and does the rigid, heavy Iraqi-style dancing (like at my cousin's wedding. such a disaster!) and in the process nearly dislocates my shoulder lol. and besides...I was wearing flip flops, and they were doing Kurdish dancing..I would have lost my shoes in 2.2 seconds. so I did my own little dance where I was standing haha. I only stayed for 2 hours, though, so it wasn't totally horrible.

anyways. I have decided I am in love with my hair. Tanya straightened it for me (it only took her 2 minutes!) and it looks really cute. I have never gotten so many compliments on my appearance as I did today, and in such a short time! I was going to buy a straightener, but the place I went only had really crappy ones and the beauty store was closed. I guess I've waited this long, I can wait another two days lol.

okay well. I am going to go revel in the near-cleanness of my room and write something. I was helping my cousin think of creative email addresses, and I came up with two titles in like, 3 minutes. one of them sounds like a wanna-be sappy romance title, but I don't care. and I still haven't started revising my retelling of the frog prince. I know the general picture, as a whole, and I know what I want to do. it's just a matter of filling in the blanks, putting the details in. maybe I should write a skeleton of the story first, have the main areas down and then slowly fill them in. I was reading my grandma's note to me on the inside of her book (she personalized the signatures in the books she gave to me and Larsa) and she had written in there "I hope to someday read a book with your name on it," and so I feel like I owe to her to try, and not just let my writing sit and rot.

ma salama.