[beanbag]

I haven't posted since last year. go me.

there is a word to describe today...it is "meh" (no thanks to my friend for getting me in the habit of saying that one...).

the first day of classes and ALREADY I have a professor who doesn't want me in his class. I guess it's not anything personal, it's just a matter of going against tradition (I was approved to bypass a prerequisite because I am FULLY capable of handling this class without the prior class, and I submitted proof of that to a board of faculty members who thought so as well) and tradition holds strong in older people. it sucked though. essentially, he told me he wanted me to drop his class. I was so mad I was about to cry (funny...when I'm upset or hurt I get angry, and when I get angry I cry) but I managed to get out of there as gracefully as possible.

my classes after that were way better though, mainly because I know the teacher (who is awesome) and most of my classmates because they were in my class last semester...and they're small classes. I only have one big class, and all the rest are 15-20 people at the most. my smallest is like..12 people.

anyways, I'll stop complaining for tonight and come back later. that's all.

ma salama.

[beanbag]

and I thought I had problems THEN. everything was actually looking up (sorta) until this morning. my professor and I are cool now (as of wednesday) and yeah...it was all good.

and then this afternoon my grandmother called my mom from missouri and said she was diagnosed with pancreatic/liver cancer. and that's not all. the doctor gave her 2-6 months to live. she's in the hospital right now, waiting to undergo a biopsy (that's the only way they can be sure she has cancer...) and a bypass because she has a tumor in her pancreas and it's causing problems. they can't remove it, but they can make things easier for her.

I can't describe how I feel though. I mean..I cried over it this morning, but it hasn't really hit me yet. my mind has taken in this information, but I guess I haven't processed it yet or something. like...I physically cannot imagine my grandmother being gone in 6 months. she's so young, too, only 62. she's like my other half, I can't imagine living without her. my mom says she's my "twin". everyone in this world has someone they are the most like, and my grandmother is mine...we both love to read, we both love history, we both love to write, etc. I just can't imagine not being able to pick up the phone and say, "hey Grammy, have you read such and such book?" or something like that.

of my remaining grandparents, I thought she'd be the last to go. my dad's mom is 10 years older than her, and my grandfather (my mom's dad) is in bad health. as much as I would miss my nana or my grandpa, it wouldn't be so much of a shock. but my grandma...my mom is taking it hardly, even though she doesn't let too much of it show. she's really close to my grandma, and it's just so unfair. my great-grandfather passed away just 3 weeks ago, and now my grandma is dying. there's the old saying death comes in threes...I guess I just found my #2.

it's just so unfair. there's a slight hope that she could have pancreasitis (I think that's what it's called...something similar...) which has a lot of the same symptoms as cancer, but can be treated. my mom doesn't think it's very likely though, and she said judging from the way my grandma described her symptoms, she's in the last stages of the cancer. as of now, it's completely untreatable (not that she would go through chemo or treatment anyways) and there isn't any research being conducted on it. at least there are a couple of blessings from this...

1. it's virtually painless
2. we have time to say goodbye

we (my entire family) are going out there in february. it's crazy how it worked out...the days we're going my mom had already taken off of work, and I have my last class of the week on wednesday, and then the monday we're coming home is a holiday anyways. everyone else is free to take off time whenever, so it kind of depended on my mom and me. and though we're only staying for a few days, we have the maximum amount of time possible to spend with her out of those days.

anyways, if anyone actually reads this...please pray for my family, and (I'm gonna be selfish here, before I head over to prayer requests) please pray for me. I don't know how I'm going to live without my grandma.

ma salama.

[bingsWRX]

i am so sorry to hear about your grandma, i pray that she lives longer than expected. i will definitely keep you and your family in prayer. i know what it's like to lose a loved one. my uncle died on christmas day, of all days. prayer is definitely strong though. i have a friend from church whose dad was given 6 months to live. and that was over 10 years ago. i just saw him when i went home for christmas and he is as healthy as ever.

In His Grip,

bing

[beanbag]

thanks for the encouragement, it really means a lot.

I haven't posted since this wild ride started, but it's been up and down the whole way. first we were told she had pancreatic cancer, then we were told that was wrong and they didn't know what it was. we waited for about 4 days before we got a response on some tests they ran...apparently it's liver cancer.

that's good in that it's not pancreatic cancer and it's definitely treatable. my mom is compatible, and I think I am as well. as squeamish as I might be about being cut up and having pieces of my liver removed, I would willingly do it for my grandma. I don't think it'll come to that, but if it does...

it's bad in that it's cancer, and she's sick. when I talked to her on the phone today, she told me she was still yellow and she hopes that she'll be at home when we come visit her (in three weeks...I can't wait!), but I told her we'll be with her no matter where she is.

prayer works in funny ways, I guess. I'm just glad that the 2-6 months thing doesn't apply anymore (at least, I don't think it does) but it still reminds me I'm not going to have her around forever, and I shouldn't take it for granted. I'm even considering taking a year-long break from school and going to live with her before I transfer. I don't know if my parents would go for that, but you never know. both my grandparents are growing older, and I know they don't want to live with my uncles (as much as they love my uncles, I know they want to stay in their own house), and really, there's no one else to live with them. I could stay with them and help them out, doing the driving and stuff. that would give me a year to work and raise some money for school, too. but I still have to think about it.

anyways, I think this is all I'll write for tonight.

ma salama.

[beanbag]

this is really crazy. on monday, I was telling one of my mom's co-workers (my mom's co-workers are all christian, (in a public school, too) and I know them all really well) that I was considering moving to missouri to be with my grandparents and my mom walks over and says, "what Sabrina doesn't know is that some friends and I were praying she would reach that very conclusion on her own, without any help from us. and she did." and it was so weird...cuz when I had mentioned it to my mom the day before, she seemed really positive about it, and I had told her "I don't think I would have had this idea unless God put it on my heart" and she was just nodding and stuff, agreeing with me. and apparently I was right...God answered their prayers within the matter of a day. so now we just have to decide whether it's the right thing to do, and how it's going to work out.

my dad may be the only barrier, but I think even if he does disagree, he won't disagree for long. I think his main opposition is that a. I'm using this as an excuse to cover up my fear of leaving home, and b. my grandparents might not want me. the first is so untrue...I'm more fearful about moving across the country to live with my grandparents than moving to the land of the weirdos, only less than 2 hours from home. the second my mom has already said will never happen. she said my grandmother will always be happy to have me with her, as will my grandfather. I lived with them for two months when I was 10, and we had barely any problems. of course, the problems that resulted were because I was homesick, and because I was a spoiled 10-year-old. I think this go-round, it'll be perfect because I've gotten older and I'm very much like my grandmother. in addition, she won't be taking care of me, I'll be taking care of her and my grandpa. I can cook (sorta), I can clean, I can drive, etc. and my grandma is retired, so she can do what she loves best...write. I see this as time to spend with my grandparents, and the transition in-between home and on my own.

I can't think of anything else right now. pretty much everything new in my life revolves around my grandma and how she's doing. last I heard, they were still running tests to determine whether the cancer is primary or a carry-over from someplace else in her body. we are hoping and praying that it's primary, because then they can just remove the cancerous part and monitor her for a while. she won't have to do chemo or anything. just an operation and that's it. she's ready to go if it's her time, but I don't think I'm ready to let go of her.

ma salama.

[bingsWRX]

hey there! i think they took my blog off for not writing in it lately. or maybe i'm just blind and do not see it. anyways, i just wanted to say a couple few words. i pray that your grandma is doing better. and i think that's an awesome decision to stay with your grandparents a while. i'm sure they can use the help around the house, and more importantly, they get to experience your genuine love that you have for them. i'm sure that will speed up her healing as well. missouri isn't a bad place. i'm not a big fan of the midwest. but i've visited missouri a couple times, and i'm sure you're going to any of the places i've been too. however, if you find yourself near the city of St. Joseph, you can visit "Word of Life Church". It's a non denominational church, and it's very charismatic as well. i'm not sure if you're a big fan of charismatic churches, but if you love praise and worship, that's the place to go. anyways, i will let you go for now. just wanted to say hey!


bing

[beanbag]

wow. I haven't written in this thing for a while. to update...

my grandmother has been with the Lord since Feb. 16, and I'm positive she's having a great time. I'm dealing with her passing really well, I think. I was more devasted before she passed on than I was the day it happened, or now.

anyways. happy birthday to me. I wish my mommy were here, and I wish I didn't have to go to school anymore.

ma salama.

[beanbag]

yay for not posting in a long time.

today was an okay day. I guess it balanced itself out. I had to get up early today and go to class and become thoroughly confused by the verbs and the nouns and the plurals that don't make sense. then, I had to take my mom to work and my brother to school. and I bought a pair of sunglasses (which my brother picked) and a ton of jewelry- $0.50 per each set/piece of jewelry. I was quite thrilled lol. and then, I had to go to school and watch The Comedy of Errors for extra credit...it was hilarious, and I love Shakespeare, so it was a fun thing to do, even though I almost got run over by a semi on the way there.

umm...I'm trying to figure out how to get to my friends house/work/someplace by tomorrow because I'm supposed to be seeing Switchfoot on Saturday night. I told my mom since it's only an hour drive, I could handle it by myself, but she said she needs her car tomorrow. does that mean she would let me drive if she *didn't* need it tomorrow?

anyways. I really don't have anything to say. I'm just pulling random things as I go. that'll end...now.

ma salama.

[beanbag]

*shrieks* I love Switchfoot. I absolutely adore them. I just want to hug them. they are the sweetest, nicest guys in the whole world!

okay, that being said...I did find a way to get to Santa Cruz yesterday (by way of my dad, who took me to San Jose to my friend's house, and then from there we went to Santa Cruz) in time. so, we went and picked up our other friend and hit the road for Santa Cruz. our dads wanted us to get a hotel (or motel, cuz I don't think they have hotels there) and stay the night, cuz I-17 is supposedly psycho. I didn't see any problem with it, except that it was really curvy, but then I guess I'm used to those kinds of roads. so, we got there and started the quest to find a parking spot. hah. as if such thing can be found there.

we drove past the Catalyst (the venue they played last night) and turned on to a one-way side street with a parking lot. we turned into the parking lot only to discover no place to park.(and people smoking pot, too. nice, huh?) there were these guys in a doorway with an open chainlink fence in front of it, smoking cigarettes, and my friend asked us if we should ask them were to find parking, but we decided against it. so, she turned back out on that street, but she turned the wrong way, and I was like, "um...this is a ONE WAY STREET!" so she had to turn back into the parking lot again really fast. this time, she pulled up to where those guys were and rolled down MY window (as I was shrinking away from the door, wondering what the heck she was doing) and asked them very nicely if they knew where we could find parking. and to which they responded, "uh...sorry, we're not from around here. we're just one of the bands playing tonight." she was like, "oh...REALLY. is Switchfoot around?" and the guy was like, "yeah, let me call Jon!" at this point, we're silently freaking out. Jon comes out from around the corner, and walks right up to the car and sticks his hand in my window and is like, "hi! I'm Jon!" (as if we didn't know lol)

and SO, we all got out and were like, ohmygoodness in our minds and we started talking to him. like, random stuff. one of my friends asked something about the music video and he started telling us all this stuff. he was SO incredibly nice. I have never met a nicer person, I don't think. he was so sweet, and so humble. we took a picture with him, and then we were about to go when Tim and their dad came out, so we took a picture with Tim, too. he was nice as well, but he was really reserved...Jon is a lot more outgoing. Tim seemed almost shy. and their dad is so nice...I just love him! we finally got in the car to drive off, and preserve our barely maintained calm coolness, and my one friend was like, "drive away really fast! I have to scream!" we weren't even 15 feet away, and I couldn't get the window up, but she screamed anyways lol. and they so heard it, too. but at least we were calm and cool when we were talking to Jon.

the concert itself was absolutely fabulous. we were right at the front, and yeah. it was great. it was fun and everything, but it was also an awesome worship experience. like...their songs always held a lot of meaning, but somehow last night, I found new meaning in them. and it was really...it was like when I was singing at the top of my lungs, I was also singing it to God. it was mainly songs like Only Hope, and Redemption, and Meant to Live, and stuff like that. the rest of the songs were super-fun, though. I don't think I've ever been as disgustingly sweaty as I was last night, but still had so much fun.

I could go on and on about the show itself for ages, cuz it was just so much fun. it was even better than the one in hollywood last year that we drove down for. (yes, our weekend was planned around it ) they played so many good songs (oh wait...they're all good!) and Jon played just a bit of Ben-Hur (it was a request), and that made up for all the songs they didn't play. I personally wanted Life and Love and Why, or You, or Company Car, but Ben-Hur totally made up for it and more.

so...you think the fun was all over after the show? not at all...not only did we go out for pizza at 12:30 am (with drunk people sitting next to us...what fun.)...we also met Jerome on our way out. we decided to walk through that parking lot where we met Jon and Tim and Mr. Foreman because a. my friend thought we might run into them again by some miracle, and b. there was a strange man on the sidewalk around the parking lot, and c. we had to walk through it anyways to get to where we were parked. so we're walking through the parking lot, and there's this guy standing there in a beanie. I didn't think anything of him, but we had to walk right past him. then, my friends stop, and he's like, "hi, I'm Jerome." and my friend was like, "yes. yes you are Jerome!" and then she introduced herself, and we introduced ourselves too, and we stood there for like, nearly 10 minutes just talking to him. one thing I noticed about both Jon and Jerome was that they kept thanking us for coming to their show. thanking us! as if we need to be told a second time that they're coming anywhere remotely near the area! but yeah, my other friend told him that we're praying for them, especially after the label switch, and he was just like, thank you so much.

one more thing...we had also run into Mr. Foreman again after the show (that makes three times. he's our buddy now lol) and my friend had asked him to tell the band that we're praying for them (basically the same thing she told Jerome) and he said that was the most important thing we could do for them. so, pray for them and for the people they can reach. we saw SO many non-christians there who are new fans (they only knew the songs from The Beautiful Letdown) and they don't even seem to realize what the songs are really saying. then again, we saw soooo many christians there (we made friends with some christian people in line lol) and the fellowship was just amazing.

okay...I've rattled on and on about this, and I still can't get over the fact that we met them! (yes, my friends and I have been repeating ourselves since 4 pm yesterday afternoon) so, I'm going to end this here, and hopefully somebody actually reads my ramblings and I'm not just writing to myself lol.

ma salama!

[Josh]

I was there too, right up front! Where were you exactly? (don't worry, I wasn't one of the shirtless guys.) And what'd you think of the other two bands? Copeland is a new favorite after that show.

Josh.

[beanbag]

lol I was like...4 people back from the front. we started out where Copeland's bassist was standing (dancing), but by the time Switchfoot got out there, we were right in a direct line with Jon's mic. where were you standing?

as for what I thought...I didn't like The Jealous Sound (they were nice in person, though. ) but Copeland was a yes. I'm listening to their cd right now. they sort of remind me of Noise Ratchet (funny how they're under the same label..)

ma salama!

[Josh]

Wow. I think I would have probably been standing two or three people away from you. You should post a picture or something, because I probably saw you!

Josh.

[beanbag]

wow. I love how I haven't posted in here for like, a month.

I am so excited. school lets out by the end of the month! *jumps up and down* I think both my finals are on the 23rd. I'm not exactly sure how that works, but it's all good. however...I am taking summer term (because I'm crazy) but oh well. I don't start till mid-June and I end in mid-July. and then my mama and I are going to drive out to Missouri. she's all, "I can't drive by myself, but if you're with me, we can take turns." I don't think she realizes she has to drive home by herself, though. oh well.

I don't know what else to say. I feel kind of silly writing in this and it being available on the net. I guess I should start writing in my "real" journal again (yeah right..like that'll happen), but I really have nothing to say.

oh wait...something I thought was cute. my cousin is in color guard (aww, just like I was!) and their championship was the 3rd of this month. it was the second one I was able to go to, and I wanted her to know I'd gotten there and I was watching, so right after the judges said, "is your guard ready?" and they were waiting for the music to start, I screamed "I love you, Danita!" and I noticed she remembered to smile throughout the whole show. and then after, I was like, "did you hear me scream 'I love you'?" and she was like, "yeah! that's what kept me smiling through the show!" and I was like, awwww yay.

anyways...that's all. ma salama.

[beanbag]

I love how this has sort of...died.

finals are over but school starts again the week after next. math should be abolished. I'm kind of looking forward to my physics class for non-scientists, though.

something good...I'm going to see noise ratchet this tuesday, because they are just too cool.

I can't think of anything else to say (or anyone to say it to) so I'm done.

ma salama.

[beanbag]

yay. noise ratchet was amazing. the security guard was a total something-I'm-not-going-to-say-here.

noise ratchet are absolutely phenomenal live. they are infinitely better live than on cd...they have such a presence. they are the only band who can drown me in their music to the point where there is nothing else but the music. even switchfoot can't keep me from being distracted during a show...but noise ratchet...their live music captivates me...like, there's nothing else there but me and the sound. it's crazy!

anyways. I don't want to start school next week. just thinking about it gives me a headache. I am off to think about having to get up at 7 am instead.

ma salama.