[Jeff]

Things are as they should be. It is enough that you know that your whining was never going to make the sun rise or set. It is enough to regret once. Even your regrets won't make the time go backwards or forwards. Why do you keep wanting to move time with your own unsteady hands? Why try to write the story yourself?

You don't have to answer. It's not as if I was trying to show some right or wrong way for you to feel or do things. Things are as they are. I don't even know if they are as they should be. We don't have that in front of us. Should a frog be green and jump? It is green and it does jump. That's all that counts. You're going to grow up and you'll be green and jump and eat flies and find someone you want to make tadpoles with some day. Or maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be spotted and yellow and you'll hunt small sick gazelles and be the Tom Cat on the Savanah- mackin on all the lady leopards.

Who knows. What's important is that it isn't important. There's no need for you to pine over what could be or what you are missing out on. There's no reason to wish you had a better education or different parents or more friends as a little kid.
Of course, there's no reason for you to feel like you aren't allowed to pine and regret over anything any time you want. You don't need to feel like you have to be happy all the time. I mean, you don't have to feel like you can't be happy all the time either. Whatever floats your boat yeah?
I don't know what I'm trying to say. It's like each time I say ANYTHING for sure I'm breaking some kind of law. I guess the lesson is just to let things be as they are. Do like those easterners say. Be the supple reed, know thyself, try without effort. You know, just be the fat happy Buddha. Or the skinny sad one, whatever. Just as long as you're alive.
That's the thing for me. That's what keeps me going. " As long as you're alive" Maybe its some built in evolutionary thing, but even when things are going really sour and it seems like all my romanticized dreams are out of reach, I just keep living. I just keep going to bed and waking up and eating my morning oatmeal and brushing my teeth.

Something about death scares me. As long as I am alive, I know that life can change. In a way, it isn't final. You never know if things are going to get better or worse, but at least its going SOMEWHERE. You don't know what happens when you die. You could go to heaven, you could go to hell. you could be reincarnated. you could go NOWHERE. I mean, it could just end. Or you could keep feeling everything after you die. maybe its like you are conscious, you just can't say anything or do anything about it. Christ, that would suck. Remind me to write down that I don't want them to cremate me.

I try not to be afraid of death. You look around, and everything is telling you that you have to go some time. Your grandma dies. Your friend dies. All those people from history are dead. Dave thomas died, Q from James Bond died, Kurt Cobain, Jeff Buckley, Elvis, Lennon, they're all dead. But it's like that newspaper deadline. I keep hoping that for some reason the time won't come around to me today. I'll die tomorrow. Just not today. Who knows, maybe it's all just a conspiracy and the whole death thing was just put in to scare me. But then again, what if it isn't? That would make it really silly for me to have wasted my whole life not believing I would die.

That's what I've been trying to tell you. You can't be sure. You can't know anything. You don't know what the right way to do anything is. You don't know the right way to feel. You don't know what your path is in life. But I think that's okay. You don't need to know. This world is like a big giant maze where all the walls are made of air. You have to run into them to know where they are.

[Fantom]

what can I say, incredible! Great writing style and a very interesting philosophy even if somewhat undecided. I can say that as far as a monologue goes, great work!

or was it?

PZ