[spiffyme]

this is one of my very first poems.. that i actually saved at least. None of my poetry has really been critiqued... i just write it and save it for myself mostly.. but now i'd like to share

Oct. 30, 01

I sit and watch silently
as the people work and play.
Everything is moving fast,
I've lost my way.
I'm stuck here,
everything moving, moving,
it gets faster
and faster, proving
only that I am lost.
Lost in this world,
unmovable and afraid.
Just watching
not knowing what to do,
where to go.
So I sit, watching
and waiting.
Somebody please help.
Help me find my way.

[RobertF]

Originally Posted by spiffyme

I sit and watch silently
as the people work and play.

Word of advice- buy a thesaurus. You could be a really good poet, but a poet works with words and you just need to learn more words. These lines just doesn't catch me at all. It's been done a million times before.

Originally Posted by spiffyme

Everything is moving fast,
I've lost my way.
I'm stuck here,
everything moving, moving,
it gets faster
and faster, proving

Don't force rhymes. You can tell when you do.

Originally Posted by spiffyme

only that I am lost.
Lost in this world,
unmovable and afraid.
Just watching
not knowing what to do,
where to go.
So I sit, watching
and waiting.
Somebody please help.
Help me find my way.

Once again. The poem has a good idea... just expand your vocabulary, use more metaphors and similies... just go crazy with it.

I hope that helps you some.

[spiffyme]

you'd think with my amazing writer friends.. and playing with the dictionary as much as i do.. i'd be better :kroll:

thanks for your comments tho!! i appreciate it very much!

[Fantom]

my only major comment is the meter of the poem... something doesn't flow right... a good trick I recently figured out is that your words have more impact if you use meter to show the reader instead of just saying... for example:

I sit and watch silently
as the people work and play.
Everything is moving fast,
(I think) I've lost my way.
(why am I) stuck here,
everything moving, moving,(<- take out)
it gets(<- Getting) faster
and faster, (move down-> )proving
(take out ->)only that I am(<- I'm) lost.
Lost in this world,
unmovable and afraid.
Just watching
not knowing what to do,
where to go.
So I sit, watching
and waiting.
Somebody please help.
Help me find my way.

looks like this:

I sit and watch silently
as the people work and play.
Everything is moving fast,
I think I've lost my way.
why am I stuck here,
everything moving,
getting faster
and faster,
proving that I'm lost.
Lost in this world,
unmovable and afraid.
Just watching
not knowing what to do,
where to go.
So I sit, watching
and waiting.
Somebody please help.
Help me find my way.

I like the poem, just watch the meter and when you use the word fast, you can make the poem flow faster (shorter lines) so that the reader 'feels' your word. I'm not the best at using meter yet... but I think you have a great start!

[spiffyme]

okay.. so i don't know anything about writing poetry.. i've never really learned much. i'm not sure i understand meter... heh. :kconf:

[Fantom]

that's totally understandable :-p
I'm not sure that anyone fully understands it, basically the only way I judge meter is to read the poem and see if it runs smooth. The only thing I thought of with this one was that if you could make the reader speed up as they read it would be cool... but it's great either way :-)

[spiffyme]

okay. thanks!! :-D