[nix]

All too rarely, Australian airline attendants make an effort to make
the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit
more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard
or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
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On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."
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"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
to leave the aircraft."
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide,
a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as **** everything has shifted."
--------------
From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you
don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."
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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with
more than one small child, pick your favourite.
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"Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas
Airlines."
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"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."
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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."
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Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite
bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying United. "He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment.
Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a
cane. She said,"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
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After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until
Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the
warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your
way through the wreckage to the terminal."
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas."
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A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax - ****! ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!" Silence
followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a
cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the
front of my pants!" A passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He
should see the back of mine!"

[Art]

That's some great stuff

[IndoGuy]

Very funny, haha.

[living for God]

i thought that they were really quite funny.