[Skeeter]

Messing around with rhyme. Most of my poems don't rhyme, so let me know if the rhyming doesn't work or messes up the message.

Invisible Student

A fest'ring smile adorns my face
From when I took the teacher's place
And taught myself to be a space
To disappear without a trace.

And now alone, I sit in pride
With convolution by my side
And no one knows, although I tried
To reveal, tell, and confide.

I can live my own life now
And no persuaders tell me how
To break my oath, unveil the vow
That keeps me here 'til I allow

Myself to step up from the scene
From places I had never been
Pull back the curtain, lift the screen
'Til everything becomes routine.

And once it does, I'll sit back down
Replace the smile with a frown
And let the teacher of renoun
Take back from me my foolish crown.

[Skeeter]

Okay, I know the title sucks, but I was hoping to get at least some critique.

[Jared]

Sorry, Dan- I just don't have much to say about this one. You know how much I abhor rhyme.

But lemme give this one a shot, as it is quite good.

A fest'ring smile adorns my face
From when I took the teacher's place
And taught myself to be a space
To disappear without a trace.

I understand what you are trying to say with line 3, but it just comes off as goofy.
Beyond that, I'd like to see some more colorful language like line one.

And now alone, I sit in pride
With convolution by my side
And no one knows, although I tried
To reveal, tell, and confide.

Line 1 is a bit simplistic for my tastes.
Line 2 is a winner.
Line 4's meter is short one syllable.
This stanza is also a bit simplistic, though I like the personification of convolution.

I can live my own life now
And no persuaders tell me how
To break my oath, unveil the vow
That keeps me here 'til I allow

OK.

Myself to step up from the scene
From places I had never been
Pull back the curtain, lift the screen
'Til everything becomes routine.

I like the continuation of a though from the last stanza to this one. Good thinkin', ol' chap.
Beyond that, great stanza.

And once it does, I'll sit back down
Replace the smile with a frown
And let the teacher of renoun
Take back from me my foolish crown.

I like it.

Great poem. But I must concur that the title sucks with a passion.

[Skeeter]

I don't know what I was thinking with that title...

Thanks for the critique. You're right about the simplistic, uncolorful language in some of the lines: it's one of the hazards of writing in metered rhyme. It can become forced.

Cheers.

[meatfinger]

You didn't help yourself by using an AAAA rhyming pattern either. That makes it even harder to rhyme without straining.

["BrooksB"]

First impression-- I like it, but there's some discrepency in your rythm. The message is pretty cool.

A fest'ring smile adorns my face
From when I took the teacher's place
And taught myself to be a space
To disappear without a trace.

I agree w/ Jared. Line 3 is kind of blank. This is what I'm thinking during that line: :kduh:

And now alone, I sit in pride
With convolution by my side
And no one knows, although I tried
To reveal, tell, and confide.

This is a good stanza, save a couple of minor things in 3/4. 3 is a bit cliche, but it's not so bad. What gets me is the switch from form and loftyness to "although I tried". Line 4 kind of strays from iambic meter and makes it a little awkward. With iambic meter, you want to try to get the effect of unstressed-stressed. This line sounds more like trochaic meter (stress/unstress).

I can live my own life now
And no persuaders tell me how
To break my oath, unveil the vow
That keeps me here 'til I allow

Line 1 has the same problem as line 4 from the previous stanza. It's also a bit cliche. The rest is coolness.

Myself to step up from the scene
From places I had never been
Pull back the curtain, lift the screen
'Til everything becomes routine.

good stanza.

And once it does, I'll sit back down
Replace the smile with a frown
And let the teacher of renoun
Take back from me my foolish crown.

Line 2 is missing a syllable. My favorite stanza other than that.

Looks good man. A personal thing I have with meter is that I think if you use meter, it should be consistent, or at least intentional with shifts if there are any. Extremely good stuff for experimenting with rhyme and meter. Unlike Jared, I like a good poet who can do rhyme and meter well. It seems as though you could really grow into being good at it. It just needs a little practice and polishing. However, a lot of great poets you'll read in literature books stray from their rythm occassionally. I personally despise it when they do, but the point is- it's not just something amateurs do. Good work man. I suggest that if you like it, keep working with rhyme and meter.

[Skeeter]

A couple of those discrepancies in meter might be personal differences. I tend to pronounce "smile" in two seperate syllables. However, I'll work on the iambic rhythm. I do very little experimenting with rhyme, other than in my songwriting, where meter can be fudged, but I'm going to try it more often.

["BrooksB"]

Originally posted by skeeter_dan
. I tend to pronounce "smile" in two seperate syllables.

How do you do that?

[Skeeter]

I kinda pronounce it like "smi-yull"...I don't know, I'm Canadian...

["BrooksB"]

Oh.. that explains EVERYTHING....

[froggee501]

I'm NOT canadian, but I still often pronounce smile in two syllables. With the "i", your tongue is in the back of your mouth, and your jaw is fairly open. However, you then need to reach the "l", with your tongue at your teeth and your lips smaller. It's too much effort to do in one syllable.

["BrooksB"]

I now understand about that. Being from the south, I say "smahhl"