[xSuspensionx]

Ok, I take back that I took it back. Today was incredibly stupid. I don't really feel like talking about it. My parents aren't content with me just staying out of trouble. The only way to please them is to be someone who I'm not. I really don't want to go into details because it's making me angry, and brooding about it isn't productive.

What would be productive would be getting a job. If I start paying for a bunch of stuff then they won't be able to give me carp like today. Well, if they did, I could just leave, because I'd have money and could get a cheap apartment. (Housing in the post-Katrina wasteland is not expensive.)

I could work up to 6 hours a week without even changing my commuting schedule, but of course, I would be willing to.

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Although getting a job is looking like something I need to be doing, moving out isn't really very likely at the moment. It's important for me to because my family needs my support, but also I'm enjoying Slidell more than you might guess right now. Slidell is typically difficult to enjoy -- it's a ghetto compared to its next-door neighbor, Mandeville, while the Northshore as a whole is a cultureless void compared to our neighbor just across the lake. Anyway, what I've been enjoying is getting reinvolved with my home church. I've been at Aldersgate United Methodist of Slidell for my entire life, and it's still the only church I've been able to permanently feel comfortable in.

I often fall victim to a strange type of paranoia, where I feel afraid that I'm being judged for being an outsider and an interloper. I feel like everything I'm doing is interference in the way things ordinarily go. It's mostly because of this that I was unable to find a church home in Gainesville, and also why I ended up leaving the University of Florida all together. The only church where I feel like I actually belong, rather than being an anomaly, is Aldersgate. I may not be the best example of a typical Methodist, but I'll stay at Aldersgate as long as I can, just because it's the only place I feel comfortable.

I'm doing the whole college kid being a youth pseudo-councelor thing, plus I'm sort of producing Nameless. Our youth director, Susan, says that my timing was perfect because they were needing someone exactly like me, or something. I'm not sure about if coincidences are really coincidences and whatever, but all I know is that the untitled leadership I'm doing with youth now is something that I should be doing, and it's something that I enjoy. Susan thinks I'm like the perfect role model for these kids. I don't know about that, but I do know that I'll make sure that they're having fun and don't get bored out of church, like so many are.

[xSuspensionx]

If anyone has ever been concerned or interested in me or anything, you should know that I'm doing fine and am back on top of the world, I think.

I have an apartment in New Orleans now. I love this city more than anywhere I've ever been. I'm still a student at the University of New Orleans; I'll probably graduate Spring of 2010 -- only one year late. I'm still a youth counselor at Aldersgate in Slidell. Friday I'm going to Mexico to build houses.


Sometimes I feel like I've outgrown Christianity -- or at least the majority of Christian tradition. Mostly this is because Christians act so childish. If love (agape) isn't God's primary characteristic, then I don't want to worship him. Therefore, I assume that love is God's primary characteristic. Then I ask myself, is what I'm doing reflective of faith in a God whose primary characteristic is love? I feel like persons who base their actions on scripture in lieu of love, instead of in support of love, are equivalent to children squabbling. Theology and apologetics sometimes seem to have more in common with teenage, high-school drama than with my faith in Christ.

And so in this sense, I fell like I've outgrown much of the traditions and practices of the church. I no longer feel like I have to rationalize and legitimize, to argue and convince, to evangelize and recruit. All I feel like I have to do is love.

There are some problems with this. It's difficult for me to not be judgmental of Christians, or anyone really. That's probably the most important thing I have to pray about. Not being too judgmental.

Well anyway, if anyone wants to talk, leave a comment.