[CaughtBetween]

this first one are the verses from a song i wrote...i left out the chorus because i dont really like it anymore...

In pain I can feel the love never given
In silence I hear his every word
In screaming I've learned to just tune him out
In daylight I have to hide the hurt
In dreaming I wake up to sounds unheard of
In nightmares I cannot wake up at all
In truth I see nothing but unanswered lies
Inside of myself I have lost all control

In darkness I see the anger in your face
In hunger I'm fed with the hate that you bared
In promises is where I've been broken before
In safety I've found reason to be scared
In happiness sadness has overcome me
In faith I have come to terms with all
In truth I see nothing but unanswered lies
Inside of myself I have lost all control

and this one is about losing a loved one...

And as I look at you
I've never felt so much pain
So cold; so quiet
There was no good reason
Though you cannot move
I still sense that you hold me
So warm; so tender
Something I can never be
I stare as you lie still
My lips shaking so much more
Your skin's so cold
I can't do this anymore
And as I close my eyes
A tear falls upon your dress
So scared; so beaten
I bend down for one last kiss

I don't know where I am
I've never been so scared before
So dark; so loud
I cannot watch this anymore
I start to look away
As you get lower to the ground
So slow; so painful
Watched by everyone around
And now the man is done
With what he had to say
So cold; so dark
All that's left is to walk away
I look back behind
I see it filling quickly
So fast; so much
I wish instead that grave was meant for me

and this one was written for a really good friend i used to have...

Believe me when I say
You are the best friend
I have ever had.

Reason to breathe,
Reason to see,
Reason to be.

Believe me when I say
Missing you is hard
I've made mistakes.

Reason to breathe,
Reason to see,
Reason to be.

Believe me when I say
You are the best friend
I have ever had.


so yeah...feel free to totally rip these apart if you want too, but please add some helpful stuff too, if you are going too!! thanks!

[Jeff]

I've got issues with some of the lines in the first verse, namely

Inside of myself I have lost all control
and
In pain I can feel the love never given
and
In screaming I've learned to just tune him out

and

In nightmares I cannot wake up at all
and

In truth I see nothing but unanswered lies
and

Inside of myself I have lost all control


all pretty nappy lines . .. kind of cliche' really.

I am having trouble with thinking of ways to help this without just starting over with a different topic, line structure, and tone . . . Sorry I can't help much.

It gets a little better in the second stanza, but I have issues with

In happiness sadness has overcome me

and the word scared in

In safety I've found reason to be scared


and just some of the line structure . . . I don't mean to give you only negatives, but I don't have a lot of time right now to go into the tiniest specifics of every line. If you want me to help you out with thinking up more creative lines, and teaching you the ropes of that kidn of stuff, just instant message me at YOUDONTKNOWJC@aol.com or pm me, and I will be glad to help you when I have the time.

[tropicana]

First Song:
The rhyme scheme is sketchy. The first four lines of the second stanza are the only ones with a correct terminating rhyme. The rhythum is also off in several places, specifically

In nightmares I cannot wake up at all
In truth I see nothing but unanswered lies
Inside of myself I have lost all control

and

In hunger I'm fed with the hate that you bared

which is supposed to go with

In safety I've found reason to be scared.

Second Song:
Better, because it is not trying to have rhyme and rhythum scheme. Accurate portrayal of feelings of greif.

Thrid Song:

Rather repetitive, but probably the best of the three. It's a bit of a cliche, though.

Oh, yes, and take Jeff's advice. He is a very good poet and could probably help you a lot more than I could.

[Jared]

I agree completely with Jeff and Tropicana.

Avoid cliches. Get used to those two words: avoid cliches. You will hear them alot around here.
Instead of saying "I've never felt so much pain," why not think critically about some original way to say it?

Post more. You have great ideas. You have a basic poetic instinct. The more you post, the more critique you will receive. The more crit you get, the better you will become. Keep at it.

[CaughtBetween]

kewl kewl, thank you guys very much!