[Jared]

The follow up to the "Sex" poem, as it has been dubbed. I'll think of a proper, clever title later.


Slip into humanity-
Such an overwhelmingly
familiar sensation.
To scrape the chalkboard walls
of the mezzanine floor
between Purgatory and Hell
with grimy cherub fingernails
causing every dimension to cringe
at the dissonant song
that every human angel possesses.
Just another beautiful intricacy,
Finding brilliance in simplicity.
Unearthing a musical purpose
to earthly existence
by grating on the nerves of every divinity
in the known and unknown realms:
Death is not heresy,
but never living is.

[Jeff]

first of all, keep the title, its genius. Second of all, the end and beginning are both perfect, leave them. My only beef is with


that every human angel possesses.
Just another beautiful intricacy,
Finding brilliance in simplicity.
Unearthing a musical purpose
to earthly existence


its not that its bad, its just that it is weaker than the rest. Find something more affecting to say . . the words possess, intricacy, simplicity, purpose, and existence are all widely used in this style of poetry. They are long, but they are losing power, which is like spreading too little butter over too much bread . . find some other way to say it that affects me as much as the rest. Also, this is a slight break in theme from the rest of the dissonance talk, etc. so set it apart to strengthen the affect. Also, I think that this would be a great place to use simple, concrete images, since you are talkign about simplicity and intricacy anyways, so use some human, rudimentary image to express this beautiful simplicity that human angels have in their earthly existence, in their musical purpose

[Jared]

Perhaps divisions would achieve my purpose better.



Slip into humanity-
Such an overwhelmingly
familiar sensation.

To scrape the chalkboard walls
of the mezzanine floor
between Purgatory and Hell
with grimy cherub fingernails
causing every dimension to cringe
at the dissonant song
that every human angel possesses.

Just another beautiful intricacy,
Finding brilliance in simplicity.

Exhuming a musical purpose
to earthly romanticism
by grating on the nerves of every divinity
in the known and unknown realms:

Elbow deep in chalkboard
scratching at the cervix
unearthing holiness in the hookers,
diligence in the beggars
truth in addict promises:
Death is not heresy,
but never living is

[Jeff]

I like it.