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Yet Another Fragment (RC)

Yet Another Fragment (RC)

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Old 01-16-2003, 02:43 PM   #1
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Yet Another Fragment (RC)
Okay, this one was written in Philosophy class...

So Much For You

I was sitting, contemplating
Waiting for the stimulating
Monochromatic
Time gives my mind nickel plating
Cannot comprehend
All that I'm hearing and I'm thinking
I cannot agree with
Everything that you are stating
Facing absurdity
Adversity has left me shaking

Why
You try to subvert everything
Inside
So far you have deconstructed
My mind
So much for you

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Old 01-16-2003, 07:26 PM   #2
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Cool! I like the form of the verse. It reminds me of rap, but it's still cool. One thing I noticed were the lines:

I was sitting, contemplating
Waiting for the stimulating

The second line seems sort of awkward. I've struggled with that kind of thing also. Maybe try:

I was sitting in contemplation
Waiting for the stimulation

I know that wouldn't fit with the rest of the verse. You could either change the rest of the lines or whatever else. Just a suggestion.

Your chorus reminds me of a chorus I just wrote. Very nice work.

Finish it!

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Old 01-16-2003, 09:43 PM   #3
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Well, I was waiting for something to stimulate me, so I was waiting for something stimulating. Besides, I don't want to lose that nifty inner rhyming.
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Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
Song of Songs 2:15

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Old 01-17-2003, 12:26 AM   #4
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Ah! I was thinking of it as a verb instead of a noun. It works.

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