The blog that shouldn't be...

bigpirate · 10-23-2004, 07:18 PM

You know... you are right. I have been too selfish. I have always been too selfish. It is just another lesson in humility, that last post from you... a lesson that I will consume ravenously, now that I realize how much God has been waiting for me to just "get it"!

Thank you for caring about me, Kara... Thanks to all of you who care about me, and I apologize for being a jerk in my confusion. I love the friendships on this site... and the people also, from the bottom of my heart. Keep on being lights to those around you, and showing love. With love for God and love for others, "all these things will be added unto you", says my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ (Matt. 6:33).

Today I got to go see my mom and sister. I met them in 5 Points, in between Mathis and Kingsville, and we ate at China Bear. Then we went to Wal-Mart and got stuff for my little cousins and food for me, and I got to play with my little sister. That was fun. Later I am going to watch Friday Night Lights. I'll tell you how it was.

"As the Deer panteth for the water,
so my soul thirsts after thee...
You alone are my hearts desire,
and I long to worship thee."

-As The Deer, performed by The Katinas

hapa_angel · 10-23-2004, 07:19 PM

Rich...

thank you for that quick im before you left, even though you didn't give me a chance to respond with even a "thank you, goodnite"...

You know that I, too, care about you like a brother... maybe that's why I take some things you say as harshly as I do, because I actually care about what you say. I appreciate that you have the guts to call me out on something when you feel like i need to be called on it. Maybe I didn't care for the time or the place that you did the calling out... but that you care enough about me to even bother means a lot. Maybe I'm not ready to hear some things you have to say... but that doesn't mean I don't value the intent of words or their speaker.

I'll be around, bro...

-Rach

bigpirate · 10-24-2004, 02:43 AM

I'll be around...

Those words kinda sum up a lot of things.

A girl I have a crush on is outside my house... her and my roommate are leaning on each other's back, looking up at the stars and sharing their hearts...

I am such a shallow punk... they would be awesome together. Why am I mad about it?

Why? Because it is 2:30 in the morning, and I am in a mood right now where I just wish I had someone to fall asleep talking to. I wish I had someone who wanted to be with me all the time. I wish... I want to be loved like that. And you know what? It is stupid. And I will realize this tomorrow morning. But hey, if you want to see a part of my heart, a weak part exposed in the fatigue of my mind and spirit, here you go. I want someone to look forward to my call, someone to look forward to seeing or hearing from. I want something that I couldn't even follow through with right now... I want someone to have to make time for, someone who would want to make time for me.... I want...

And at this point "As the Deer" tells me that He alone should be my heart's desire.

I know this... it is just my spirit and my mind are both tired... and it is not harming anyone to come on here near 3 in the morning and lay my heart on the table for whoever cares. It is just... I don't even want anything more than someone to sit with on a saturday night, out on the ground with my back on hers, looking up at stars... or someone to sit in bed and talk to until my eyelids can no longer stay open... To hear her voice wake me up gently, just awake enough to hear a "good night, I love you". I once talked to someone like that. It was amazing. But in the end, they wanted more with someone else.

Tomorrow I probably will realize once again that I am totally not ready for this, nor do I have time for it, and I will be okay with all of the things God HAS put in my life, all the friends God HAS put in my life...

For now, I will lay down and wonder.

bigpirate · 10-24-2004, 02:26 PM

Okay. I am still tired, but not that much. I will most likely take a nap. I just wanted to record what I was thinking right now also, because I have realized that knowing yourself at your weakest will help you become stronger.

I was overcome today with the amount of love and eagerness to accept I felt from this church I am at. They love people like I have never seen before. It seems that way to me, at least.

Last night I spent with my roommate and that girl I was talking about, and our friend Micheal. We watched Friday Night Lights, which was an awesome movie. Before that I had went to the BSM to play a couple of quick games of foosball. That was also fun. After the movie we went to whataburger and then to this park that the girl had helped clean up earlier in the day. The thing is, my roommate and the girl were flirting all night. I guess they like each other. It sucks in a way, but you know, they would be awesome together. And I know God has someone for me, somewhere out there... The whole thing with looking at stars is that when you see this vast expanse, you begin to wonder if maybe you are like one of those stars, way on one side of the sky, and the girl God has for you is on the other side... and you are both shining your lights for God, until he decides to have you meet each other somehow... for your systems to collide and your brilliance to be multiplied.

God has made many two star systems... I guess this is how I think of myself. Waiting for the other star to come.

Ehh... that was hokey! I am sleepy, I can't help it! I am gonna be a hobo for baby Caroline's birthday (which is what we celebrate on October 31st).

bigpirate · 10-24-2004, 02:29 PM

Oh, and also, God has been showing me some stuff... I met up with my friends from my old place last night, right there alongside the rest of us, and it was crazy how different the conversations were... I mean, these were my BOYS... they were my partners in crime, we hung out all the time. We were remembering stuff, and I realized how unchristlike I had been all that time... I mean, God has a sense of humor, but not to gossip and talk trash to people, and hate people. I did that a lot. Crazy how God will show you how far you've come. They still love me, and I will hang out with them soon again.

bigpirate · 10-24-2004, 05:41 PM

Go here if you want to see what I posted here originally. It may be edifying to you also.

bigpirate · 10-24-2004, 10:59 PM

Ha... I got this user comment telling me that I had changed since the last time this person had seen me around the boards...

She couldn't be more right.

I wish I had my old posts, so I could see how much I have progressed over these past... well, its been over a year already... and in that time I have lived in too many places to count, and been with so many different people, and dealt with so many different things. I kinda had to grow up, which was God's plan all along. I have been ministered to, and I have been a minister. I have been the student, and I have been the teacher.

Things are different. But some things remain the same. Thank you for your comment, and may God's love surround you.

I guess God dealing with me about love didn't quite become all consuming just yet. I have a friend who was with this girl for two weeks, and then she cheated on him... well, she came to our church, and she was helping with stuff... and I am already kinda still irked at her for calling all of my friends friends a bunch of losers and not cool enough for her... and she starts to just grate on me, and I just lay into her with everything I had been holding back from the past couple of weeks... I mean, I probably seriously hurt her... and I should never have done that... I messed up... She is the one who probably needed my love more than anyone else.

I will pray... God will work with me some more... and I will show her love.

Ha... I haven't changed completely... I still laughed at the Pull My Finger sticker I found in my CD case

.

Tomorrow the BSM is having a costume party... I went to the dollar store... I am going to be a hobo. It is great... Hobo Santa, to be exact.

bigpirate · 10-25-2004, 12:47 AM

Inspired by things around me... a song:

Its up to you!...

Do you ever get tired of acting just the same as everyone that's on the outside looking in?
Do you realize that everyone is looking in for something different, a new place to begin?

Its up to you!
To show them love they have only dreamed of
and show them what they've looked for all along...

It's up to you! (2-4x)

A short song.

bigpirate · 10-25-2004, 12:54 AM

Friends, I love all of you... Good night.

And if you see all of these stupid posts in General Discussion, it was just me being dumb enough to think I could make a difference.

bigpirate · 10-25-2004, 02:35 AM

I am also waiting for my sig to be "edited", or censored would be another way to put it, because of my defense of the average CGR user. I won't say about what, and I won't say about why... heck, I won't even give you the whole thread... just that one post... but you wait... It will probably be gone before I know it, and before you see this post.

Sad, huh?

I put the above before I realized that the thoughts expressed by this one member of what I would call the CGR heirarchy were in fact the thoughts of just that one member of the CGR hierarchy. Lets hope things run smoothly from now on... I love CGR!

**Becky** · 10-25-2004, 01:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigpirate

Ha... I got this user comment telling me that I had changed since the last time this person had seen me around the boards...

She couldn't be more right.

I wish I had my old posts, so I could see how much I have progressed over these past... well, its been over a year already... and in that time I have lived in too many places to count, and been with so many different people, and dealt with so many different things. I kinda had to grow up, which was God's plan all along. I have been ministered to, and I have been a minister. I have been the student, and I have been the teacher.

Things are different. But some things remain the same. Thank you for your comment, and may God's love surround you.

Hey there

aaah, that explains the change

it's awesome seeing God work in peoples lives, and seeing them so excited about God, and.. well.. mostly for me.. it's awsome seeing people learning how to love. I don't often see people growing in that trate. and I'm encouraged every time I find someone like that

Quote:

Tomorrow the BSM is having a costume party... I went to the dollar store... I am going to be a hobo. It is great... Hobo Santa, to be exact.

you realize you will have to post pictures now right?

bigpirate · 10-25-2004, 01:16 PM

The love is all that matters. The bible says that... Love God with all of your heart and Love your neighbor as yourself... those are the two greatest commandments. And I am sad that you don't see that happening too often. I am lucky enough to have a wide scope of friends, some of whom have that love, and some who just don't. The funny thing is, it is a hard thing to grow into, and the people that have it are sometimes the ones that struggle the most, that you would never expect it from... I think struggles are the hearts workouts. Gets your heart all buff.

And as for pictures... only if they take some with the digital at the BSM. Which they probably will, so you may see some!

bigpirate · 10-25-2004, 03:03 PM

You know what? God is there when you feel like a failure... I literally didn't have the energy to get up today... I have been only sleeping 5 hours, because if I sleep before 3 or 4, my mind just runs for a long time and I don't get to sleep. But this time my alarm didn't go off, and no one woke me up, and I got a call at about 1230 and finally woke up, and I could barely function... I guess it caught up with me.

I have figured out also, that the company you keep does influence your thought process... everywhere. I noticed it on CGR... when I got confrontational after speaking against that very thing, just because someone sent me a rather demeaning PM. I noticed it in my life, when I got together with my old friends and started talking about everything I had nearly forgotten about... joking about drugs and sex and other things we wouldn't actually do. It was so coarse, so unchristlike... It made me ashamed. This whole time I have been gone from them I have grown so much. And I don't want to abandon them, because they were my original christian "Boys"... ya know? We ran head about everything. I was reading my blog from a year ago, and I was dealing with a lot of the same stuff I am dealing with now, and they were there for me. I may have more love in my life, and that is how I have grown, but I am still human... I still deal with things...

I still have needless crushes.

And I still need friends who make me feel like I am the cool kid... does this mean I am still insecure? Possibly. But hey, I am working to become the man that God wants me to be, so he will provide the secureness I need as long as I seek Him first.

"Your love and Your grace never fail me.
Your merciful touch always heals me.
You bring joy to my soul."

-a song I am hearing.

guitarfan01 · 10-25-2004, 05:10 PM

whoever told you you had changed was right. Before, you didn't really remind me of anything. Now, you sort of remind me of Keith Green.

bigpirate · 10-25-2004, 05:19 PM

Is that who wrote the song? Dude, I have been looking for who wrote it and stuff... I got it from a friend of mine who made himself a quiet time CD... but he doesn't know and neither do I who wrote the song.

Keith Green did rock... I don't know too much about his personal life. But he did have some awesome songs! Amazing writer, so you could see his amazing heart.

I do strive to have a heart for the Lord, a heart that screams "Oh Lord, You're BEAUTIFUL!!!" in song and in speech and in lifestyle. In fact, you have just piqued my interest in Keith Green... so I think I may check him out...

*checking website*...

Quote:

I repent of ever having recorded one single song, and ever having performed one concert, if my music, and more importantly, my life has not provoked you into Godly jealousy or to sell out more completely to Jesus! — Keith Green

Yes, I think I am honored by that comment now. Thanks for the encouragement.