Endin' it

*GloryGirl* · 11-18-2002, 03:40 PM

How nice do I have to be to this guy?

Went out with someone earlier this year. He asked to kiss me about 3 weeks ago. I said what about Jess, I know the girl he went out with after me. He'd said to her he still had feelings for her and was texting/phoning/asking her out for coffee. He lied saying he'd hardly seen her, also said some terrible things about her to me.

I wouldn't let him kiss me and said he needed to sort things out with her and said we could be friends and see what God does but I wouldn't go out with him. I'm not sure going out was his plan as he said 'isn't it a shame we can just be friends and still kiss!'

Next thing I know he's doing a radio show and she's phoning in asking him to play Switchfoot 'I want to share my joys with you, want to share my sorrows, but worried I might offend you if I say anything'. From what he said on air it's obvious he's seen a fair bit of her at work.

................................................
Now, I left it we'd be friends and on Friday asked him if he wanted to go for cream tea Saturday, I'd left it about 3 weeks so it was a bit overdue. He asked me out then, Friday night, but I was at work and didn't get the text till later.

How much do I have to look after his feelings. He said he couldn't make Saturday (not feeling too good) and I think it could be the wait for my text back which upset him. He said for Sunday but on Sunday said he'd been called into work. I'm fairly sure that was a lie. So from Friday to Sunday he's gone from suggesting an evening together to avoiding a daytime cup of tea.

Do I make sure he's alright/apologise that I only textd him Friday and he was left waiting. Or do I take it God didn't want us meeting up (I had prayed his will be done) and take that to mean no contact too.

As a christian when do we stop being friendly?

***BillSPrestonEsq*** · 11-18-2002, 04:06 PM

personally, Id be civil, no more

Colleen · 11-18-2002, 04:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by *GloryGirl*
I wouldn't let him kiss me and said he needed to sort things out with her and said we could be friends and see what God does but I wouldn't go out with him. I'm not sure going out was his plan as he said 'isn't it a shame we can just be friends and still kiss!'

Lol this guy sounds like either a jerk or genuniely, utterly clueless. I would say that you should be treat him as you'd treat everyone else: be civil, don't gossip about his mistakes, and leave it at that. If your paths cross, be kind but don't make an effort to build a friendship. Don't take initiative to be friends because he's always going to be looking and pushing for something more, which is also hurtful to his current "girlfriend" if you allow him to get away with this type of behavior. Then you're what therapists call an "enabler." You don't need to ignore him or anything, don't be cold, but don't go out with him unless you both happen to be part of a group.

*GloryGirl* · 11-18-2002, 04:48 PM

The thing is if we're getting along it makes it easier to go to youth group, easier when everyone tells me how amazing he is at my voluntary work. I really want to be on good terms with him so I'm not excluded from things.

She isn't actually his girlfriend. They used to go out and now have a very big flirtation.

I hear what your saying I guess he just made it so bad for me earlier in the year. Lying about me and losing me good relationships with people. That part of me worries that if we're not on good terms he'll do it again. I've already left the church we were both at but I'd like to join in social stuff still and most people at that church think he's a hero, wonder man, kinda person. Everyone wants to be with him and that includes the deacons as well as half the youth group and a tonne of people in between.

:kconf:

teb468 · 11-18-2002, 06:16 PM

you really shoudn't be worried about what he'll do if he's not on good terms with you. if he starts spreading rumors about you, then let him do it. people will probably notice that he's trying to annoy you by doing it, and then when people see what he's like, they might not think he's that great. besides, whats that one verse i'm looking for about turning your cheek if someone does you wrong?

splitpersonal · 11-19-2002, 03:25 AM

be honest to the core you dont need to make his feeling feel good, he dosnt seem to care about anyone...the only thing he might understand is the truth wehn he askes you out tell him your not interested in Him, and (I would) if he askes you why tell him you think he's a liar and you dont like the person he's becoming, - in the end some form of 'no' needs to be said,

Raphael · 11-19-2002, 04:34 AM

Sometimes you just have to be blunt. Tell him no, and leave it.

I don't think you really need to soften the blow that much (from what I've read he deserves it.

Jay42 · 11-19-2002, 04:48 AM

Kate! You are just way too kind of a person, and I don't think this guy has the same depth that you do.

If I may quote the Paul Colman Trio: You've gotta run, ruuuuun, ruuuuun ruuuun, you've gotta run...

11-19-2002, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by *GloryGirl*
I hear what your saying I guess he just made it so bad for me earlier in the year. Lying about me and losing me good relationships with people. That part of me worries that if we're not on good terms he'll do it again. I've already left the church we were both at but I'd like to join in social stuff still and most people at that church think he's a hero, wonder man, kinda person. Everyone wants to be with him and that includes the deacons as well as half the youth group and a tonne of people in between.

:kconf:

one thing i wanted to bring up quickly here is that the first thing that popped into my head. frankly a friend who lies about you and wrecks other people's friendships is no friend at all imo. not meaning to be too blunt, but someone who does that isn't a friend. regardless of the fact that they may be mad at you or not.

okay GTG hopefully someone else can elaborate on my point or i will when i have more time.

Lyle · 11-19-2002, 04:18 PM

He sounds like a guy, giant, clueless, stupid jerk. It doesn't sound like he's much of a friend to me.
I would be blunt with this guy, yet that Bible calls us to be loving. I would say to be blunt in a loving way sorta way.
I don't know about you, but I wouldn't stand for someone like that.
I don't go to public school, i don't have a girlfriend and never had. My only friends are at church. I don't have much advice in this area, but I will ask some of them and see what they say you should do.
PRAY-It's the best thing:kgrin:

*GloryGirl* · 11-19-2002, 06:48 PM

I went out tonight all buoyed up by what you said.

I had decided the way to go was to think that the man I fell in love with earlier in the year in actual fact didn't exist and the man he was now I didn't like. I was also laughing at Jay's run song.

Problem: my emotions tell me I still want this guy. That's o.k. I have my brain and my brain had this plan. I go out to voluntary work, he no longer works there (phew!). It goes really well. I have some great conversations, still feeling mega blessed. Then Dan comes up in conversation - one of the girls asks how he is and my friend starts chatting about some good news he's gotten. The whole tone is so how wonderful he is and it is really hard then with my emotions going and everyone lifting him up to not start doing it in my own mind.

My plan like 'January's guy doesn't exist' falls completely apart when the now baddie Dan idea is getting dismantled by all these fans talking about him.

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It leaves me stuck. The girl was trying, it seemed, to make out how friends she was with him. She seems quite competitive. And I could have blown her out of the water with 'he asked to kiss me'. But I don't even want him to do that stuff so I'm not going to brag about it.

Does anyone have a good brain plan. One that will beat a tonne of lying emotions and a world full of people saying/making him out to be completely the opposite??

Everything tonight just makes me want to be friends with him. In a really casual way but still in contact. The conversation came up because I asked Alan if he could get this song from Dan. (He was given a load of sheet music and a guy in the cafe really wants to play a chorus from about 10 years ago. Dan's the only one I know who has this stuff.) Asking Alan seemed to me like a cool plan, meaning I wouldn't have to talk to Dan but instead it turned into an opportunity for this girl to say loads of stuff. It would have been easier to just ask Dan, and as we are officially friends it would have been quite natural but I was going for no contact.

Where's the middle place if he takes advantage of 'friends' to ask for a kiss. Contact doesn't seem helpful and neither does non-contact.

??

Lyle · 11-19-2002, 07:04 PM

You have to understand the world will make people out to how they aren't.
You just gotta hang in there and soon the truth might expose him for what he is.

Jay42 · 11-19-2002, 07:56 PM

You need Dan for some music?! Ask one of us and we'll just e-mail the steenkin' song!!!!

Haha - you must avoid Dan at all costs! We're not saying he's the worst guy in the world... we just know that *YOU* deserve better! You really really do!

*Hands Kate her porridge and tea, and a mirror to remind her she can get better than Dan*

Lyle · 11-19-2002, 07:59 PM

Yeah, Jay's right. You should avoid him.
You deserve better then him. I know it.
Just hang in there

*GloryGirl* · 11-20-2002, 10:20 AM

Big confession: I rang Dan. I wasn't going to tell you because I was too ashamed to. I drove past his house saw his light was on and textd saying 'r u awake'. When we speak it's just like he's any other friend. He doesn't flirt with me. He doesn't show off. It feels so normal. He seems like me and on the same level.

I so wish he was normal and didn't lie. I'd like him to see why I can't contact him and care enough to see it's a good thing. Whilst his door is always open for friendship it's really hard to get mine shut and keep it locked.

But I know that's really weak.
Thanks for your comment Iliv2serve. He's so charming people (like me) can know how bad he is and still think he's lovely. Deacons know how he treated Jess (there was some 'incident' in the summer) think it was awful and really like him anyway. So the 'truth' coming out doesn't seem to change anything much so far. People just want to be around him.

Sorry for being weak. I hear what you're saying.