[Wobbit]

hey buddie old pals,
i'm writing this song here, this is what i've come up with. there are a lot of lines that i would like to change (i'm sure you will all find them), so your suggestions are VERY welcome. oh and you probably won't really be able to understand it fully, but thats just sorta the way it's supposed to be (as are most of my songs).

Lily Among Thorns

no speech, no words, no language
can piece a picture of the damage
in this heart
isolated and stepped upon
no speech, no words, can manage
to describe this gold I've been handed
there is no flaw in you
lily among thorns

chorus
spoke to soon
she did not move
i dare you to move
lily among thorns
broke too song
she tossed me away
don't toss me away
lily among thorns

no speech, no words, no language
can begin to describe your fragrance
it's in the air
and i can't get enough
no teary eyes, no cries
can describe this look in your eyes
others threw me away
lily among thorns


bridge
am i asking too much
someone to love
am i expecting too much
more than a few days
have i not been hurt enough
so many times
if i added them up
would you watch me while i cried

------
ya so i know there are some instances of really poor wording in there, if you can think of something a little more cool then please do. all feedback appreciated

[Avalanche 126]

i think thats pretty cool. your rite, i dont fully understand it but i have a good idea. the only thing i woudl try and change is, because of your rhyme scheme, the 4rd line of the chorus where you repeat move at the end of the line. and change the 2nd away, cause like i was reading it and i had the flow and then the word repeated and it kinda threw me off a little bit.

[cool_E]

In terms of basic craft the lyric is not bad.

You've got good structure, repetition with variation,
movement between the verses, a hook in the chorus,
a discernable rhyme scheme and a very interesting
meter in the verses. You even avoided cliches!

For my personal tastes & sensibilities I think you
went a bit overboard with the abstraction of the
idea. I would have made the language more
universally understandable and approachable
rather than ethereal. But that's personal taste
not criticism.

Keep writing...

[Scott]

i dare you to move

Switchfoot already bagged this.

[Wobbit]

i know, i stole it from them
i was hoping no one would notice