[Jared]

AM I WRONG TO REALLY LIKE THIS POEM? I JUST WROTE IT IN THE FREESTYLE THREAD TODAY. PLEASE CRITIQUE HARSHLY. BE PICKY. TELL ME WHAT SUCKS, WHAT IS CLICHED. EVEN WE SUPERHUMAN MODERATORS NEED CRITIQUING.... (Jared's large head basks in the light of modship)


Cramps spill into my collective unconscious
And constant painful stimulus numbs my desire to die
This pain drives me to yearn for healing

I'd drown in blood to see my vibrant bleeding
To know that I'm alive

This balm I find in you
I unearth Heaven
Solace in your veins
I discover Nirvana

I'd suffocate to hear your cyclic breathing
To know that you're alive

Calm rips into my unconscious collective
And constant throbbing stimulus is anesthetized
Realize your pain is my peace

With the last line I was trying to convey the feeling of wanting to hurt- just so I could experience this soothing person's panacea once again. I need a better way to say it.

[Jeff]

This peace: worth the price of pain
you get the alliteration in that one

This peace: my only road to pain
meh . ..

I give up . . . . lol

[Scott]

I'd suffocate to hear your cyclic breathing
To know that you're alive

I've heard this kind of idea a few times, it's not cliched, but it could get there, you know?

This peace goads me to cramp for more pain

The rhythm of the poem seems to dissipate with the last line, although you could mean this, who knows .

A great poem, your poetry is getting really good. You write any lyrics?

["BrooksB"]

haha.. the "collective unconscious" thing reminds me of the "Tool Army" that Travis and Philosopher are in... haha.

seriously, though... instead of "goads" maybe use "lures" or something... and instead of "This peace" maybe use "Your repose" or even just "Your peace" or "Her peace"

so my suggested changes are these:

This peace lures me to cramp for more pain
Your peace lures me to cramp for more pain
Your repose lures me to cramp for more pain
Her peace lures me to cramp for more pain
Her repose lures me to cramp for more pain

[Jared]

Originally Posted by Scott
The rhythm of the poem seems to dissipate with the last
line, although you could mean this, who knows

I know what you mean- that's why I hate the last line so much. It completely weakens the entire poem.

Originally Posted by Scott
A great poem, your poetry is getting really good. You write any lyrics?

Thanks, Scott! Yah, I write plenty of lyrics. I rework alot of them into poetry so I can post them in this forum. I don't particularly like the Songwriting forum- not too many talented folks in there.

Originally Posted by JeffboWilson
This peace: worth the price of pain

I think I like this revision the best. Good thinkin'.

Originally Posted by BrooksieBoy
so my suggested changes are these:

This peace lures me to cramp for more pain
Your peace lures me to cramp for more pain
Your repose lures me to cramp for more pain
Her peace lures me to cramp for more pain
Her repose lures me to cramp for more pain

Your suggestions are noted, but I think I'm gonna change the entire line.

[Scott]

Thanks, Scott! Yah, I write plenty of lyrics. I rework alot of them into poetry so I can post them in this forum. I don't particularly like the Songwriting forum- not too many talented folks in there.

I'm going to be the mod of the songwriting forum shortly, I plan an overhaul. If you post, I'll post

Incidentally, would any of the regulars here care to spend a little time over there, so that there is some more intelligent critique?

[Jeff]

you know it! and hopefully one of the mods will like dissappear or something so I can come too!

[Scott]

Excellent, sounds good. The more the merrier .

[Jared]

I'm game. I'll be there.