6 Am

Tracy · 08-19-2002, 09:46 PM

Y'all know the drill...

Streaming through my curtains
The chilling warm light of dawn
Reality's beam, cold and sharp
Razor edged, relentlessly inquisitive
Unmerciful beyond all else
And I lie helpless beneath its examination
Denial's rejection stings, mocks like no other
Because his sweet comfort eludes me
How I long for the warmly numbing embrace
(Oh, those fatal arms of solace!)
They do not enfold me, but it matters no longer
For my peace can be sought without him
It remains mine to huddle into uselessness
Curl up into the demurely beckoning hibernation
Of blissful ignorance and breathe no more
Then one by one I shall shut off those whispers
Who plague me night and day and evening
Destroy those fiends that do not cease to disturb me
So muddled and deceptive, they can do no differently
Shut it all off, it's the only course of action
That will let me just curl up into hibernation
Watch the snow fall about me, wait to die
With the chilling warm light of dawn
Streaming through my curtains

EDITED BY JAREDCAMEL66 FOR MINOR VIOLATION OF FORUM RULES- sorry Tracy- no swearing
(Edited by Tracy; word changed.)

MuchAfraid · 08-19-2002, 09:50 PM

woah. that was great!! give it to Chris Carraba and he could turn it into a hit (dashboard confessional) you are really talented, tracy

dave

**meatfinger** · 08-19-2002, 11:22 PM

That's really good. I like it a lot. You have great word choice, always the right word for the situation. There's really nothing I can say to make it better, it would only make it worse. Once again, very excellent.

chris

Tracy · 08-25-2002, 08:27 AM

Quote:

EDITED BY JAREDCAMEL66 FOR MINOR VIOLATION OF FORUM RULES- sorry Tracy- no swearing

Sorry 'bout that, didn't think that it would be so bad. Edited the word entirely.

Jared · 08-26-2002, 07:30 PM

Don't worry bout it Tracy. I thought the "objectional" word added alot to the poem, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Obligated ya know.
By the way, I love this poem. Sorry all I did was edit and not comment. This is one of your best works, in my opinion.

My only suggestion would be to change the last line.
Perhaps you could take the first two lines, switch them, and add them to the end.
It would read like this:

Quote:

Shut it all off, it's the only course of action
That will let me just curl up into hibernation
Watch the snow fall about me, wait to die
With the chilling warm light of dawn
Streaming through my curtains

Tracy · 08-26-2002, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jaredcamel66
Don't worry bout it Tracy. I thought the "objectional" word added alot to the poem, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Obligated ya know.
By the way, I love this poem. Sorry all I did was edit and not comment. This is one of your best works, in my opinion.

I understand, only changed the word on the forum besides... thanks.

Quote:

My only suggestion would be to change the last line.
Perhaps you could take the first two lines, switch them, and add them to the end.
It would read like this:

You're right, that does sound better. Changed, thanks for the input.