where is the line?

in_his_grip · 04-28-2002, 02:47 PM

How far can/should a youth pastor go if he is concerned about one of his youth. Basically what happened was i had sent a few emails to my yp about some personal stuff....he got concerned, but he wasnt worried enough to say anything to me, i got no reply or anything. He did however phone my mother, show her the emails and also happened to show his wife. I am very upset, mostly at the fact that he said nothing to first or afterwards. I asked him why once my mom told me she had seen the emails and he said that he knew that if he told me i would have said dont tell my mom...what makes the whole situation worse is now my mom is freaking out and wont leave me alone when really nothing is wrong, it was just a misinterpretation on yp's fault. I am angry that he showed them to my mom...and i have no idea why he felt the need to share them with his wife.......is this a breech of youth pastor/student confidentiality (bad spelling!!)?

Lowe_Dawg55 · 04-28-2002, 02:53 PM

Pastors and Youth Pastors have it really hard now-a-days. There are certain circumstances that require a YP to tell the youth's parents. Say, if you were on drugs and you e-mailed him or her for help...They are required by law to tell your parents and to try to get you some help. Now, I don't know what your problem was, but there are also times when a YP should keep his mouth shut. Judging just from what you wrote here, He should've kept it to himself. Next time, maybe you should tell him to do so.

LOWEDAWG55

in_his_grip · 04-28-2002, 03:14 PM

see thats the thing...i dont think there will be any more next times. how can i trust someone if they go tell the world about it and then completely ignore me. I was talking to my friend about it and he said that i have a right to be mad about what he did but i also have a duty to forgive him, thats the hard part. He really hurt me and he's my pastor...

Singin4Him82 · 04-28-2002, 10:26 PM

As mad or hurt as this might make you, you should also be glad that he cares enough about you to do such a thing. I don't know what the subject is on but whatever it is your YP felt it serious enough to do something about it. I agree with Lowe_Dawg55, YP's do have it hard these days so cut him some slack and try to see that maybe he did it out of concern for you. I know it's a tough situation and you probably hoped it would stay between you and your YP but don't be mad b/c I highly doubt he meant for this to make you mad, but only to help you.

smitty2622 · 04-29-2002, 12:54 PM

Without knowing what was in the E-mail it’s almost impossible to say if what he did was right or not. As far as him telling his wife, well that’s the way it goes you know when you get married the two become one. He was probably asking here for advise, and probably always does. If married people keep secrets the marriage doesn’t work.

Peace

in_his_grip · 04-29-2002, 01:06 PM

k, the email was about suicide...basically i was reading on here the discussion on whether or not people who kill themselves go to heaven or hell. I have been suicidal in the past. I sent something to dave (my yp) asking for his opinion on it, and he got conserned and told my mom i am suicidal, when really im not...im just trying to understand it. but my mom doesnt believe me at all. she'd rather believe dave over me.

passinthru · 04-29-2002, 01:15 PM

I am so sorry...becuase i know I have started those discussions.

I didn't mean to cause problems. I'm so sorry

A word of advice to you and to anyone reading this please oh please oh please don't discuss suicide via email...whether you yourself are suicidal or not. It causes such concern and confusion.

seeing as that was the topic though I can understand why he went to your mom...I probably would have done the same thing especially if I knew it was something you had considered in the past.

Your mom is concerned for you. Does she know you were suicidal at one point in time?

I think you need to sit down with your YP and your mom and explain the whole thing.

Katie+

smitty2622 · 04-29-2002, 01:17 PM

That’s pretty scary, I would have said something too especially knowing there was past issues, he was probably scared for you. Maybe you should re think this and be thankful someone cared enough to do something. You might want too talk to him too, let him know why you were asking and let him know how things are going now.

Peace

in_his_grip · 04-29-2002, 01:24 PM

I have tried calling him and told him i want to talk to him but he's just too busy. He doesnt have to time to talk and yet he has time to tell my mom? That doesnt seem to work...i dont know...im mostly just frustrated now, not mad...

Katie - it is totally not your fault so please dont apologize. We talk about this stuff all the time...thats why i dont understand he felt he had to tell her this time...i have emailed him stuff very similar before and he never did anything...basically he told me by law, he had to tell my mom just in case anything ever happened...he just didnt want to be responsible.

smitty2622 · 04-29-2002, 03:28 PM

in_his_grip: I have tried calling him and told him i want to talk to him but he's just too busy. He doesnt have to time to talk and yet he has time to tell my mom? That doesnt seem to work...i dont know...im mostly just frustrated now, not mad...

That’s too bad and really doesn’t make much sense? If he’s so worried about you he should make time. I can see why you would be frustrated at this point, have you actually asked him for help? If he’s going to be a youth pastor he’s has to expect to deal with these types of issues. If you cant get him to talk to you maybe, (MAYBE) go over his head and talk to your pastor, I don’t know the whole story but would be genuinely concerned if the youth pastor of my Church wasn’t talking the kids when they ask for help, or face these types of problems.

Peace

04-29-2002, 03:51 PM

It's really really hard. I've had a similar situation recently. Perhaps you could shrink it down to forgiving him for upsetting your Mum unnecessarily. We all make mistakes and he will only have done it if he thought he was doing the right thing. You know it was unneccessary even if he's not seeing it like that.

The problem with this type of situation when one person does what they believe to be right is that you, more often than not, never really get the apology you need. They would probably do the same thing tomorrow.

I'll pray that it won't be so muddled for you. The enemy gets in on the muddles to steal our peace and keep us going round and round. He's also the accuser of the brethren so he'll want you to stay ratty with the yp. Watch you stay close to God because the enemy would like to really use this to undermine you and God's relationship. Don't let him.

Brandon · 05-01-2002, 01:33 PM

That's right, I'ts not katie's fault only, but mine also...

Countless times have I posted about suicide and such things....

I agree with katie, sit down with them and talk... but him being too busy to do this worries me... any YP should Make time to be with his youth when they have a prob....hmmmm

BLESS!!

Brandon (kadesh)