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Unread 08-31-2017, 11:42 AM   #1
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Stumbling

I'd been doing so well. Everything in life going so well, depression was managed with meds and everything was fine. Life takes dramatic turns of fate some times.

Now i'm sitting in my car, harming myself, and wondering why i keep fighting at all.

I want to go back to when everything was fine, and i didn't realize i was still hiding my pain.

I don't know if i have the strength to do anything one way or the other. I'm broken again.

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Unread 08-31-2017, 01:27 PM   #2
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Becky, I am praying for you right now.

Have you gone anywhere since your post a couple hours ago? Do you have a pastor or a friend who loves Jesus who you can talk to? Can you or someone else get you to a hospital where you can get some help?

I know how frustrating and hopeless it can feel when you find yourself struggling hard after a season where things had been good. God sees you and desires good for you, Jesus loves you and you are worth so much to Him.

I really want to encourage you to call your doctor or go to the hospital and seek help. Your mind is not well right now, but it will get better.
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Unread 08-31-2017, 03:05 PM   #3
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Thanks Mara,

I managed to drive safely to another location. I'm not really okay, but i've calmed down enough to not do anything that wont heal.
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Unread 08-31-2017, 04:14 PM   #4
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Becky, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with this. I will pray for you. I'm so glad that you made it to a safe place. I want to echo Mara, and encourage you to find someone to talk to about this.
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Unread 09-01-2017, 12:25 AM   #5
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Hey Becky,

I don't have anything to add to the awesome advice that Mara and Mrs. M gave you, other than to reiterate that Jesus loves you and died for you, and that means you are a precious, beloved image of God.

May God bless you. I'll add you to our church prayer list and remember you in my morning and evening prayer rule.
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Unread 09-01-2017, 09:18 AM   #6
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As i go into today i feel disappointed. Maybe a bit bitter that i'm still here.

I hear what you said Mara, that this is just my head being unwell. But in the light of a new day it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I'm being punished by being forced to continue to be here.

I love my niece and nephews, and i know that killing myself would hurt them deeply. I'm thinking that through clearly today. So for them i have to keep living.

But it is lonely, and empty here. And i know it wont ever actually get better. I was so involved in work the past few years i just didn't notice i was limited in friends and losing any connections i could have had. So i wasn't really better, i just thought i was doing well. But i guess really i was just happy being busy.

Ugh, i'm sorry i sound so dark. I haven't been this clingy and needy and crazy in a while, i don't know if i can remember how to pull myself back in and hide myself back behind a professional mask. If i'm not going to die i need to be able to keep my job.
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Unread 09-01-2017, 04:47 PM   #7
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We haven't talked for a while, Becky. I'm going to PM you.
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Unread 09-04-2017, 08:37 AM   #8
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I have always tried to express my feelings and thoughts without going so far as admitting the reality that they represent.

I did a lot of thinking yesterday. About the kids, about how much I love them and how much pain they have already been through in just the past few years. The youngest is trying to understand why Daddy doesn't live with us. The little girl is trying to learn that someone WILL come when she screams, and she CAN ask for help and receive it. That she is loved deeply and safe. And the oldest... he is learning to show compassion, and to notice when I'm not around. To notice if I forget to say goodbye, and to be hurt by it and feel rejection. (for a kid with autism, noticing anyone outside himself is huge!).

I LOVE these kids.

That love is what pushes me to accept truth and face reality. I can't pretend that this is all within my easy control and that I'm making all choices based on logic and truth. I can't keep telling myself this is normal.

So... please bear with me while I state a few truths for the first time.

-I WAS suicidal on Thursday
-I have been obsessing over and considering suicide for a number of days.
-I had a plan, a solid, real, and very plausible plan
-My plan included ways to trigger myself and push myself over the edge for the purpose of having enough mental overload to be able to drive my car into a tree.
-This desire is not normal, or logical. It is an expression of the emotional overload my brain is going through, and the ineffectiveness of my current meds to meet the overload
- I can't fight this on my own. There are multiple paths I could take to get help, and they all have pro's and con's. But I need to take one of them. Or a couple of them.
- If I do nothing, I wont get better, and it is possible I will take my own life, despite my awareness of the kids need for me.
- my love for the kids needs to push me to get help, not to keep trying to fight harder.
- Telling myself "I'd never actually do it though" is a lie I tell myself to avoid getting help. Not based on any true understanding of my risk factors.

There, its said.
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Unread 09-06-2017, 02:09 PM   #9
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I just got out of a meeting with my board. I think I'm going to be let go. And if i'm not, i think I will have to quit. No matter how hard i work, it will never be good enough.
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Unread 09-06-2017, 02:12 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Becky
I just got out of a meeting with my board. I think I'm going to be let go. And if i'm not, i think I will have to quit. No matter how hard i work, it will never be good enough.
Is it in relation to some of this other stuff that's been going on or something separate? I'm sorry to hear it, regardless . Hang in there, Becky! There's an awful lot on your plate right now.
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Unread 09-06-2017, 03:27 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaGeek
Is it in relation to some of this other stuff that's been going on or something separate? I'm sorry to hear it, regardless . Hang in there, Becky! There's an awful lot on your plate right now.
Nope, this is in addition to everything else. And honestly i don't know how to come back from this. This job has been my life for 7 years. And now, i don't know.

The board was almost cruel in their anger towards me kver stuff.
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Unread 09-08-2017, 07:37 AM   #12
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Fyi: went to the hospital. Now i'm at respite. They think my meds were too extreme and helped push me over the edge. Go figure.
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Unread 09-11-2017, 09:29 AM   #13
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Unread 09-11-2017, 09:38 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Becky
Fyi: went to the hospital. Now i'm at respite. They think my meds were too extreme and helped push me over the edge. Go figure.
I'm glad you went to the hospital and that they feel they know what pushed you over the edge! Are you feeling any better since then?
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Unread 09-12-2017, 09:22 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leboman View Post
How are you doing?
I'm... okay.


Quote:
Originally Posted by DaGeek View Post
I'm glad you went to the hospital and that they feel they know what pushed you over the edge! Are you feeling any better since then?

Since Sunday, I haven't felt suicidal at all. So, that's good? Saw my new therapist today, He thinks that, because my triggers are so intense, we need to take it really slow, and start just by stabilizing my emotions, and then only go deeper when it is safe to do so. It makes sense, I just wish it was like a bandaid i could just rip off. But its not, so *shrugs*

Tomorrow I see a psychiatrist for the first time. We'll see how that goes. I am hoping he thinks the meds I'm on are just stabilizing and I'm fine now. But if he thinks my meds need adjusted, then I'm worried. I can't drive or be alone with the kids until we're sure my meds are right.

Though once the meds are correct, I'll still have to deal with the fact that life has thrown so much at me in the past two years.

From the kids getting taken, to having my grandmother die while I was holding her hand, to getting the kids back and having them move in, to being woken up in the middle of the night every night for the past year because my niece wakes up screaming because she has to go pee and doesn't want to use the potty, to more being piled on at work, to possibly losing my job/career/mission that I've dedicated myself to, to triggering myself every sunday by attending church, to my niece getting kicked out of VBS because of behaviors related to her autism, to seeing a therapist who triggered me each visit, to realizing I've been handling all the above so well up till a month ago because I'd shut God out, and kept myself blocked off from anything that related to God's love for me or other Christian's love.

It's been crazy. I'm not sure there are strong enough meds to fight off the anxiety and stress of all of that.
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